The Cockney Canuck - 73. Chapter 73 Brothers in Arms

“I was going to tell you,” I said. “But I was too scared.” I thought it was a good start; at least it was the truth, but he wouldn’t acknowledge me or even look in my direction. I turned towards Sue for help and she must have been able to sense my frustration.

“He’s been waiting for you to come home so that he could talk to you,” she said to Daniel and this time he answered but his reply was directed at me.

“Why…what’s the point?” he said. “What are you trying to prove…I don’t get it? It’s got nothing to do with me.”

I didn’t know how to answer that so I left it to Sue. As far as I was concerned, now that our secret was out, there wasn’t much left to say. Either he accepted us or he didn’t but neither was necessarily permanent. He might not like it at first, but in a couple of months, he might think differently. I didn’t see much point in discussing it any further, but Sue seemed to be looking for a quick solution to something that everyone else could see was going to take a bit of time.

“It’s got a lot to do with you Daniel,” she said. “He’s your brother; you share a room. It’s important to sort it out….”

“It doesn’t matter mom!” he said. It was the first time that I had heard him raise his voice to his mom. “You don’t get it, do you? Robbie will do whatever he wants to do and everyone else will have to change their lives because of it.”

“Wait a minute,” I said but he put his hand up to stop me.

“No, let me finish. Because this is what always happens. You and dad will bend the rules for him. You always do! It doesn’t matter what I think, you’ve already made your decision. Whatever it is that you’ve decided between you, that’s what will happen! WHY ARE YOU EVEN ASKING ME!”

“DANIEL!”

“NO, MOM. You didn’t ask me if I wanted to share my room with him, you told me! I didn’t mind, but it’s not like I had a choice either. Robbie will do whatever he wants because you’re scared of him.”

I stood up to leave, shaking my head. “I’ve heard enough,” I said and walked to the stairs where Nathan was standing.

“That’s ridiculous,” she said. “We're not scared of him and we’re not biased towards him either. We’ve always been fair.”

He disagreed. “You were scared before he even got here. He had a bad time in England. I get that! But it took you guys three months before either of you even said no to him. You’re so busy feeling sorry for him all the time, that you forget about your real kids. We don’t matter anymore. It’s just about him! AS LONG AS ROBBIE’S OKAY, THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS TO YOU!”

“DANIEL THAT’S ENOUGH,” said Sue. “Stop it now…why didn’t you speak to me earlier about this?”

“Because you wouldn’t have listened.”

I started making my way upstairs with Nathan behind me. There was little that either of us could do now. It was a family matter which needed to be resolved within the family and once again I was feeling very much on the outside.

As I expected, Nicola was waiting at the top of the stairs with Amy and I walked past them to go and sit in the living room.

“What has any of that got to do with us?” said Nathan. He had a point but I could see how it was all connected and what’s more, I could even see some truth in what Daniel had said. Nicola’s words only a few weeks before had been almost identical. She would have noticed it as well, and she came to join us with Amy taking up her now usual position on the sofa between Nathan and me.

“I didn’t ask to be treated any differently, you know?” I said, looking towards Nicola. “And I didn’t ask to share a room either. I would’ve preferred to have had my own room or I could’ve slept on the sofa bed.”

“You can share my room if you want Robbie?” said Amy and I thanked her for her offer and patted her head.

“I guess he’s upset that we didn’t tell him earlier,” said Nathan.

“Daniel isn’t just upset about you guys,” said Nicola. “This has been an issue all along and not just with him. Robbie knows that.”

‘Here we go, how did I know this was coming’?

“I already told you; I didn’t ask them to treat me any different. I would have preferred them not to.”

That last comment was probably stretching the truth a little and Nicola knew it. I had been playing the sympathy card to good effect from the day that I arrived and had never been shy of using it to gain an advantage or to bend the rules in my favour. I had learned how to do this in England and was comfortable playing the role of the victim if it got me what I wanted.

Nicola held a winning hand and we both knew it, but she had the grace not to push home her advantage, sparing my already bruised feelings. It was remarkable how much her attitude had changed towards me in recent weeks. A month before, she would have gone for the jugular. It was something to be thankful for; I would not have been able to stand up to both of them at the same time.

“He’ll come around,” said Nathan. “Daniel’s the coolest guy I know.” I shot him a discerning look, which made him laugh. “Except for Robbie of course.”

Nicola rolled her eyes and Amy hunched her shoulders and giggled before Nathan playfully pushed her with his shoulder.

“Jimmy seems to think that you’re cool,” said Nicola. “I can’t think why though.”

“I think he’s nice too,” I said, but when I glanced over at her, she gave me a hard stare. “What? Oh come on, I don’t mean in that way…blimey.” I screwed up my face and shook my head. “Geez, what do you take me for? I mean he’s okay…but.” I looked to Nathan for help, but he raised his eyebrows and tilted his head. “Not you as well.”

“I didn’t say anything,” he said.

“Your expression implied,” I said, but my slight smile ensured that everyone knew that we were joking. Including Amy, who seemed to be picking up all the signals.

“I think Robbie loves Nathan,” she said with a cheeky smile and completely out of the blue. The conversation moved on without either of us denying her observation, but Nicola’s expression when Amy wasn’t looking, told me that her little sister knew more than we thought.

I couldn’t tell if Sue’s chat with Daniel had managed to solve anything or not, but they were alone in the basement for a long time before she came upstairs to help Nicola prepare dinner. Daniel remained downstairs in his room and although I agreed to keep out of his way for a while, I was expecting him to want to talk to his friend before he left to go home.

Nathan’s visit that day, however, was cut short by a phone call from his dad. He looked a little shaken up as he turned towards me in the dining room.

“I’m sorry Robbie; I have to go. My dad’s on his way to collect me.”

I stood up with him. “Is there something wrong?”

“Well, kind of, I suppose,” he said. “My grandpa has just died!” He looked close to tears but was bravely fighting them back.

“Oh God. I’m so sorry.” I reached over to hold him as I heard Sue scamper in from the kitchen.

“Oh Nathan, that’s terrible dear. I didn’t even know that he was ill,” she said.

“Neither did I. My dad said that he had a stroke earlier today, but they couldn’t save him. He lives in Ottawa. He was over eighty.”

“It doesn’t matter how old he was, it’s still a terrible loss,” said Sue and she gave him a hug before rushing off to tell Daniel, which I thought was a good move.

“Will you be okay?” asked Nathan as I hugged him tightly, trying to block out memories of my mom. Scars that were still only seven months old and nowhere near healed.

“Of course I’m gonna be okay. It’s you I’m worried about.” I couldn’t believe that he was still concerned about me, after just hearing such bad news. The memory of Mr Jenkins informing me of my mom’s death was etched into my brain and I was certain that I would never be able to forget his words or anything else about that day. At the time, it was the only thing that I could or wanted to think about. Nathan seemed remarkably composed though if a little pale.

When Daniel appeared at the top of the stairs he looked uneasy at the sight of me holding Nathan, who had his head resting on my shoulder. It was more of a boyfriend pose than a brotherly of friendship one and he stood well back until I released Nathan and gently pushed him towards Daniel.

Daniel flicked his eyes towards me before tentatively placing his arm around his friend, who looked sad but still in control of his emotions.

“I’m sorry Nathan,” said Daniel. “How did it happen?”

I felt a hand around my arm as I was gently tugged away, but this was compelling viewing and as Nicola slowly led me into the kitchen, I saw Nathan relax and throw his arms around his friend.

Finally, there were some tears; it wouldn’t have been right without them, especially as I always seemed to be able to cry at the drop of a hat. The only thing that surprised me was that Daniel was also crying, although only a little, but I had never witnessed it before.

It was a personal moment that I found difficult to ignore and I wanted to listen to what was being said, but Nicola had a firm grip and dragged me to the back of the kitchen where she pinned me against the wall. She had a scowl on her face that told me to stay put and I decided for once, not to test her resolve.

* * * * *

Whatever was said during those five or so minutes, stayed with them and the only thing that Nathan would tell me later that evening when I called him, was that they had sorted out a few things. He sounded to be a little better than he was when he left our house. The following day he would go with his family to Ottawa to be with his Grandma, so I wouldn’t get to see him and I missed him already.

“It’s a lot better than sitting at the bottom of the garden isn’t it?” said Nicola as I ended my phone call.

I looked over and nodded, but Daniel had also heard her comment and glared at me on his way downstairs. He now knew that all the secret phone calls that I had made from the garden were to Nathan. I could almost understand how he could feel a little betrayed, but it was never done maliciously. Nathan and I were made for each other, if we had of allowed their friendship to keep us apart, it would have been tragic.

There was one more very important hurdle to clear, in what was now looking like the longest coming out story of all time. With Amy half in the know, Don represented the final piece of the family puzzle and he would be the last to find out. The next day was Saturday and he would be at home for the remainder of the holiday weekend. Sue told me that she would talk to him later that night when he came home and I passed the time nervously on my computer.

I was still online at eleven o’ clock when I heard the television go off and Daniel come into the room. He had barely said a word to me in eight hours but after closing the door, he proceeded to undress as usual and then walk around in his boxer shorts. It had been worrying me all evening, I was scared that he would feel the need to act differently around me now that he knew.

I would have understood, but I wouldn’t have liked it and it brought back an old problem that now seemed more relevant than ever. As unlikely as it seemed for a naturist like Daniel. If he did decide never to undress in front of me again, how could I possibly feel aggrieved by it? After all, there had been times in the past, and quite a few of them, when I had deliberately watched him and got a thrill from it, enough to give me a boner.

If I had ever suspected that someone was doing that to me, maybe a girl for example, then I would have gone ballistic for sure. It was double standards and I swore to myself never to go there again.

‘Daniel’s supposed to be my brother, if I want to earn his trust then I need to stop perving on him’.

If I was ever challenged about the past, then I would have to deny it until the cows come home, but at the time, I was just happy that he was undressing as usual, even if I didn’t dare look at him.

* * * * *

The next day it was raining. It was going to be a long day and the first full day without Nathan since my accident. Instead of waking up to soft kisses from my sweetheart, my sleep was abruptly ended by a not so quiet Daniel banging around the room looking for something to wear. Any other time of day and I would have allowed him his little stomp, but I wasn’t the best person to be around first thing in the morning, especially after such a poor night’s sleep. I bit my lip for a while but then lost it when he slammed his wardrobe door.

“Okay, I’m awake! Are you fucking happy now?” he looked at me but said nothing as I grabbed a towel and headed for the bathroom. A long shower cooled me down but when I got back he had gone. At least I was able to get dressed on my own and unlike Daniel’s, my clothes, as usual, were folded in my drawers where I could find them. It was another thing that was getting me down about sharing this room and that day it was worse than I had ever seen it before.

‘I swear he’s doing this on purpose to wind me up’.

The room was a tip and it wasn’t just his half. There were clothes everywhere, most of them dirty from his sleepover at Doug’s house. I counted three towels, all on the floor, plus empty cups, glasses, and a plate. He had only been here for half a day since I got back from the hospital.

‘So this is Robbie getting his own way again, is it? If everybody did what I wanted, then my life here would be a lot better’.

It was bullshit. I was the one who was having to change my life for him and not the other way around.

‘Spoilt little shit’!

Daniel had put me in a foul mood and I was expecting it to get worse. If Sue was true to her word, then she had already talked to Don and I was now officially out to the entire family. I would have to wait for his reaction, but I wasn’t looking forward to this day at all.

‘If I could fast-forward one day in my life it would be this one’.

My frustrations were compounded when I turned to look in the mirror and it was gone. My temper from a couple of days before had put paid to that and I couldn’t even blame anyone. It made me even angrier, but as I took a deep breath and prepared to open the door, I received a text.

It was from Nathan; a simple plain message as usual. ‘Hope your day goes well. Love you so much’. No text talk, no smiley faces, just plain English and direct to the point. It knocked the wind out of my sails and turned my angry face into a happy one. He was the only person in the world who could have done that, and as I hurriedly returned his message with something long-winded and far less effective, it put everything into perspective.

* * * * *

Sue was in the kitchen, but there was no sign of anyone else except Amy, who came over to sit beside me at the counter. I was anxious for an update and she didn’t keep me waiting. “I talked last night to Don,” she said.

“And?”

“He said that he’ll talk to you about it today, it was a surprise to him, he had no idea.”

“Do you think he’ll be okay with it?”

“He’s going to need some time with this, but that goes for all of us. It was never going to be easy hun, but this is the worst bit. It’ll get better,” she said. “I promise.” She covered my hand with hers and tried to reassure me, but there was something in her tone that raised a few flags. She didn’t sound quite as confident as she had done the previous day.

I was anxious to get this conversation with Don over and done with as soon as possible. “Where is he now?”

“He’s at the beer store.”

“Geez, I guess he didn’t take it too well then,” I said.

Sue laughed. “He’s gone to get beer for tonight,” she said and I smiled. “You haven’t driven him to drink just yet.”

‘It won't be long’.

“What’s happening tonight?”

“We have some guests coming over…important guests. The Cobourg mafia.”

“Oh, I remember.” I smiled at her reference the local bigshots. The mayor, chief of police and the local member of parliament, were all members of the so-called mafia.

“Nobody that you would be interested in, but they’re all looking forward to meeting you.” She must have read my expression. “Don’t worry, they only want to say hello. Don has talked a lot about you.”

“I bet he hasn’t told them the latest episode’.

That fast-forward button was becoming more attractive by the second.

“I don’t think I should share a room with Daniel anymore,” I said, out of the blue.

“Why honey, has he said anything to you about it?”

“No, he hasn’t said a single word to me yet about anything, but it’s not gonna work anymore, I just know it.” I smiled at Amy as she climbed onto my lap and put her arms around my neck.

“You have to give it some time,” said Sue. “Amy can you get off Robbie please, you know he’s still not well.”

I lifted Amy back to the floor and she skipped away to get changed. “I don’t think it will ever work, not anymore,” I said. “And he probably won't wanna be…you know…getting changed and stuff with me there.”

“That’s nonsense, this is Daniel we’re talking about. Honey, I think you’re worrying over nothing, give it some time, you’ll see. Besides, I don’t have anywhere else to put you.”

“Well, I was thinking. If you don’t mind, then I could always….”

“Absolutely not!” she said putting her hand up and cutting me off. “Sorry, but I’m not going to allow you to stay at Nathan’s house.”

I was confused. “I was about to say that I wouldn’t mind sleeping on the sofa bed in the family room.”

“Oh, sorry…I thought that you had other ideas.”

I shook my head as if she was crazy. “Why would you even think that?” I said.

“Oh, come on,” she said. “Don’t act all innocent with me.”

I wasn’t happy with where this conversation was going. “But I am innocent.”

“No, you’re not.”

She seemed sure of herself, but I was certain that she was just guessing.

“Well you’re wrong,” I said.

“Robbie, I’m not stupid. I’ve seen the way you act around each other.”

“Sue, please. I don’t wanna talk about this with you.”

“I don’t particularly wanna talk about it either,” she said. “And I don’t want to know the gory details, but I do want you to tell me that you’re being safe…do you understand what I’m getting at?”

“Oh my God, I don’t believe we’re having this conversation, can you just drop it please?”

“What’s going on?” I turned to see Nicola standing behind me.

“Not you as well.”

“It’s okay dear,” said Sue. “I was just asking Robbie something in private. It’s got nothing to do with you.”

Nicola laughed. “Oh, then you must be talking about sex?”

“Nicola, please!”

I stood up to leave; sex with Nathan wasn’t a subject that I wanted to discuss with close family members, but Sue grabbed my arm. “You understand what I’m getting at don’t you Robbie. That way we don’t have to have this conversation again in the future.”

“Yes,” I said, “of course I understand.”

“I’m a nurse,” she said.

“Duh, I do know that.”

“Good,” she said. “I’m not saying anything bad against Nathan, it could be anyone. I just want you to be safe dear.”

“Keep it covered!” said Nicola and I cringed as she laughed. “That shouldn’t be too difficult for you.”

“Very funny, can I go now?”

“Promise me, Robbie,” said Sue.

I looked her in the eye. “I promise,” I said, and she released my arm.

“Good, I trust you, honey,” she said and Nicola rolled her eyes.

“I wouldn’t worry mom,” she said. “Nathan’s on the pill anyway.”

I opened my mouth but managed to stop myself at the last moment and saved a dollar.

“Well done,” said Sue. “You’re learning, I thought we’d never get there.”

“Ah, look, mom, we made him blush.” Nicola pinched my cheek before I pushed her hand away.

“Piss off and leave me the fuck alone!”

Nicola burst out laughing as Sue tutted and reached for the swear jar, but I was saved by the front door.

I turned to see Daniel divert into the living room to go downstairs, without saying a word to anyone. Behind him was Don, who walked towards us. He didn’t look very happy.

“Robbie, can I have a word please, in my study?”

I wasn’t ready, but I doubt if I would have ever been ready.

Don was a large man, built more for a construction site than an office, but he always came across as a bit of a gentle giant, and although I was always wary of him, I was never scared or intimidated.

That day was probably the first time, and as I sat in the chair facing his desk, I must have looked nervous. I felt like a naughty schoolboy and it reminded me of an incident, a few years earlier, when I was sent to the head teacher’s office for fighting. On that occasion, it was my fault, I had started the fight throwing the first punch, but I escaped with no more than a warning from Mr Jenkins. He would keep you waiting around forever, before announcing your fate and I soon learned that the waiting was part of the punishment.

Don seemed to have learned this art himself and it felt like ages before he finally settled into the big chair behind the desk. It made him look even bigger and fiercer and by the time he started to speak, I admit that I was actually quite scared, although I wasn’t sure why.

His opening words set the tone and confirmed my worst fears.

“You know what this is about,” he said calmly and I nodded. “Tell me this isn’t true Robbie.” I had nothing to say. “TELL ME IT ISN’T TRUE!” he shouted at me, making me jump.

“What isn’t true?” I asked.

“DON’T DO THIS TO ME,” he shouted. “I want to know how long it’s been going on. I’M TALKING ABOUT NATHAN?”

“A couple of months,” I mumbled, but he pretended not to hear me. “A COUPLE OF MONTHS!”

“Oh, geez,” he shook his head. “What is it Robbie, haven’t we done enough for you? Is life not good enough for you here?”

“No, it’s nothing like that.”

“WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME ROBBIE?” His voice was getting louder with each sentence. “I’VE DONE EVERYTHING THAT I COULD POSSIBLY HAVE DONE TO HELP YOU FIT INTO THIS FAMILY AND YOU THROW IT IN MY FACE. WHY?”

I don’t know how he was expecting me to answer that question, it didn’t make any sense. My worst nightmare was coming true and being played out right in front of me. I had cramps in my stomach and for a moment I thought that I was going to throw up.

“Sorry,” I said. It was all that I had to offer, but my lack of answers only frustrated him more.

“You have everything you could possibly want,” he said. “There are children out there who would give anything to swap places with you.” I didn’t disagree with that statement; it just didn’t seem relevant and I shrugged my shoulders to say as much.

“What on earth made you want to do this? I don’t know what to say to you that can describe how disgusted I am by what you’ve been doing…we’ve taken you into our home Robbie, and this is how you repay us? It’s…it’s depraved,” he said. “I can’t think of any other word. What would your mother have thought?”

Those words were guaranteed to hurt and they went straight through me, slicing me in half and filling my eyes with tears. I was totally unprepared and sank deeper into the chair with my head bowed and my eyes closed tightly, hoping that it would all somehow go away.

I started crying; he made me feel cheap and useless like I had let him down and abused his trust.

“Do you mind telling me how you managed to keep it quiet?”

“I don’t know what you mean”

“Where has this been happening?”

“Not here,” I said. “If that’s what you’re worried about?” It was a blatant lie, but what else did he expect.

“Yes, Robbie, I was worried about that and for obvious reasons,” he said, but his obvious reasons weren’t that obvious to me. “So I take it this has been going on at Nathan’s house or is there anywhere else that you use?” I didn’t like the way that he was talking, he made it sound dirty and casual when it had been the complete opposite. I didn’t want to discuss what we had done; he would never be able to understand anyway. “Well,” he asked again.

“Look I don’t know what you want me to say or why you’re even asking me these questions. It’s not like it happened every day.”

“I don’t understand you,” he said.

“That’s right, you don’t understand. I thought that maybe you would, but obviously, you don’t get it, do you?” I had no idea where that sudden spurt of bravery came from but it felt good saying it, even if I was to regret it.

“I don’t want you talking to me like that, okay?” At least he was calm, but his next sentence totally blew me apart. “And until I can figure all this out, I want you to stay away from Nathan.”

“WHAT, WHY?”

“WHY DO YOU THINK?”

“I DON’T KNOW, WE’RE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG?”

“HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT...OF COURSE, IT’S WRONG. IT’S AGAINST THE LAW FOR A START…WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?”

His face was red and he tried to calm himself down before continuing. “Nathan is no longer allowed to visit this house and his house is strictly out of bounds for you. I won’t allow this to continue Robbie. It’s immoral, it’s illegal and I’ll do whatever I need to do to stop it. From this day on you can forget all about Nathan. The sooner that you can do this the easier it’s going to be for you. Then maybe you can learn to be more responsible and who knows maybe one day you can put all this behind you and live a normal and happy life.”

It was more than I had expected, but I listened intently to every word. I felt each one strike me like a dagger through the heart, as I began to fully understand the implications of what was being said. Few words had ever hurt me as much as those did, and once again I was unable to stop the tears from escaping my already sore eyes.

Unless he changed his mind, then as far as I was concerned, I no longer had any reason to live. It was like hearing a death sentence being passed. I doubted that he would ever be able to understand what effect it would have on my life or exactly how much power he had over my very existence. If he ever did, then I was absolutely certain that it would be too late.

I wasn’t able to think straight. I had so many thoughts swirling around my head at the same time that it was difficult for me to concentrate on any one thing for long. He started talking to me again, but I had switched off long ago.

“Robbie, are you listening to me?” I looked up to face him.

“WHAT?” I shouted. “No, I’m not interested in anything you have to say.” I was being as impudent as I dared; he wasn’t used to being talked to like that.

‘You better get used to this because if you take Nathan away from me I’m gonna hate you forever’!

I heard the door open and close behind me and felt Sue’s presence at my side. “What the hell’s going on?” I didn’t look up, but her voice was firm and demanded an answer.

“I’m trying to sort out this mess,” he said as I felt Sue’s hand on my shoulder.

“Well it doesn’t sound like you’re doing a very good job of it,” she said. “You need to calm down. Robbie hasn’t done anything wrong.”

“What do mean he hasn’t done anything wrong?” He stood up, threw his hands in the air and turned around to look out of the window, muttering to himself.

“Prick!” I said it under my breath, but they both heard me and Don spun around quicker than I had ever seen him move before. He looked as if he was going to hit me, but Sue instinctively moved to block his path standing between us and staring him down. There were times when this little woman stood much taller than her actual height.

“Robbie,” she said calmly. “Please don’t make it any worse than it already is?”

“How can it be worse?” I said. “Do you think that he’s right to try and stop us from seeing each other? Just because he doesn't understand it.”

My head was spinning as I tried to think of answers that weren’t there. I needed to get away from him or it was just going to get worse and Sue was stuck in the middle. He looked pensive, maybe recognising that he had gone over the top.

“Robbie, look, I know you’ve been through a tough time lately.”

I could almost see the red mist as it descended. I stood up and tried to make it to the door before I opened my mouth, but I couldn’t stop the words from coming out. It was as if I had absolutely no control at all over my vocal chords.

“YOU KNOW WHAT?” I said. “FUCK YOU!” Then I opened the door and ran through it, brushing off Sue’s attempts to stop me.

I remember seeing Amy standing by the kitchen, she was crying and it hurt me even more but I couldn’t stop. Nicola tried to grab my arm but I pulled it away and ran down the stairs, taking them two at a time, before pushing my way past a startled looking Daniel in the family room. He called after me but I ignored him and headed straight for the bedroom where I pulled out my drawer and tipped it upside down on the bed.

I was shaking and sobbing as I rummaged through the mess, grabbing what I needed and shoving them into my pockets. Keys, a handful of cash, my phone and I was gone.

I picked up a pair of my sneakers, ran out the back door and around the side of the house before anyone could figure out what I was doing. Then out of breath and still carrying my shoes, I jogged down the road until I reached the creek where I turned off the sidewalk to take the trail. I could no longer be seen from the road, so I sat in the dirt to put my sneakers on. As I finished tying the laces, my phone started ringing. I took it out of my pocket and switched it off without looking to see who it was.

The creek ran through across the town and then down towards the lake. It was a popular shortcut used mostly by kids—everyone else had cars—but I knew that Don wouldn’t follow on foot, so I was just needed to keep away from the roads. With Nathan and his family in Ottawa, I had nowhere to go, and no other plans other than to get as far away as possible from that house!