The Cockney Canuck - 107. Chapter 107 The Laundry Game

It’s fair to say my first Thanksgiving in Canada was memorable for all the wrong reasons and the inquest began immediately. I wasn’t sure why I felt the need to go with Tommy, but although I wasn’t proud of what I did, I wasn’t really ashamed either. I just wished I could have found someone nicer to do it to. Tommy was undeserving of such attention, and he underlined this by avoiding me until it was time for him to leave. Then he had the cheek to try to hug me in front of everyone as if we were close friends. My body language made it clear that I didn’t want to know, but invited disapproving looks from everyone else and made it seem like I was the one with the problem. I tried not to let it bother me, but it did.

Tommy was almost a complete stranger, and in many ways, it would have been preferable. At least I wouldn’t have to see him again. However, we were supposed to be cousins and although hardly blood relatives, it meant our paths were likely to cross again at regular intervals, starting as soon as Christmas. I heard Sue mention it to her brother as they left.

I was certain that Tommy—ashamed that he had allowed another boy to suck his dick—would most likely never admit it to anyone for as long as he lived and that suited me just fine. As long as he didn’t expect any repeat performances.

Daniel arrived home before the last of the guests left, and I followed him around the house like a hungry puppy dog, biting at his heels and hoping for a morsel of information. I was barking up the wrong tree though. Unlike his sister, Daniel rarely gave up any details of his exploits, even when directly questioned. It was an admirable trait but in my mind, a clear a case of misplaced loyalty. I knew he would have talked to Nathan about our break-up; all I needed to know was what was said. There was no room for impartiality when the stakes were so high or when direct family were concerned. I was officially his brother now, surely that had to give me precedence over a lifelong friend.

It shouldn’t have bothered me in the slightest what Nathan was doing, and that was the impression I tried to give. Deep down, however, I wanted Daniel to tell me Nathan wasn’t happy. I needed to know that he was missing me, even if he wouldn’t admit it in as many words. A tiny scrap of evidence would have been sufficient. Something to satisfy my hunger and prove to me that I actually meant something to him.

If it had been Nicola, she would have thoroughly de-briefed me the moment she arrived home, but Daniel had been indoors for fifteen, soul-destroying minutes without uttering a single word about his friend. Finally, unable to wait any longer, I was forced into action cornering him by the stairs.

“Is Nathan okay?”

“Yeah, he’s fine. You know, the same as usual.”

It wasn’t what I wanted to hear, and wished I hadn’t bothered to ask. Same as usual meant he was happy and smiling. Playing the showman and making people laugh. Same as usual meant he wasn’t missing me, or even a little bit sad I wasn’t there to share his private jokes and swap bawdy humour. I was beginning to wonder if he ever really cared about me, or was it always just about him?

‘How can he be the same as usual? Doesn’t it even bother him? Am I that forgettable’?

Daniel seemed blissfully unaware of the damage he had inflicted on my already tortured soul with such a flippant remark. How could he, having never experienced a relationship of any kind himself?

As for my ex-boyfriend. I wondered if he even bothered to ask after me, as I had done to him. It seemed unlikely as I waited agonisingly for Daniel to mention something. He didn’t, so I quietly slipped away to take a shower.

I was happy to see the end of what had been a thoroughly horrible day. The high point of which was sitting in a deserted parking lot, sucking on my newly acquainted cousin's dick. It was something which, I was sure most boys would have found utterly repulsive and a telling reminder of my own depravity. They were Don’s words, but I was slowly starting to believe him.

Standing under the hot spray helped rinse my mouth of any stubborn remnants of Tommy, but it failed to lift my mood. Instead, I felt myself being dragged down even further. With my mind in turmoil and unable to make sense of anything, I sat on the floor of the shower, curled up in a ball, and sobbed.

‘Nathan, Sue, Don, Tommy, Daniel, even Alex, you can all FUCK OFF. I don’t need any of you’.

I hated them all, and I hated my mom for putting me in this position in the first place.

“WHY DID SHE HAVE TO FUCKING DIE?” They lied to me when they said she would get better.

As I sobbed, I was back in the hospital talking to her. I could even feel the worn leather under my hand as I sat upright in the big old armchair which I had claimed as my own. My mom was heavily sedated but somehow managed to smile at me before surrendering to sleep. That was the last time I saw her, but I wasn’t ready for her death, and I still wasn’t. There was so much I needed to tell her.

It was almost a year, and the pain was still there. A dull, gut-wrenching ache emanating from the pit of my stomach. They lied about that too. It never went away; I just got used to it.

I expected it to get worse, with two significant dates now looming on the horizon. The first was my mom’s birthday on Saturday. I had been eyeing it cautiously for some weeks, aware that it would provide a substantial hurdle for me. She would have been forty something but Don was likely the only person who knew, and I wasn’t expecting him to mention it.

It would be followed a few weeks later by the first anniversary of her death and potentially the most challenging day on the calendar for me. I wasn’t sure how I should feel or what the accepted protocol was. If I was being a big baby for thinking about it, or if I was expected to do something. I didn’t know how it worked, no one told me. No one in the family even talked about her anymore, not even Don, her brother. It was like she never existed.

I still thought about her every day though and was determined to continue to do so. There was always something which would trigger a memory. Most of them good but there should have been a lot more. I would forever feel cheated by her premature death.

With my own life now spiralling dangerously out of control, it seemed likely I would have to face these dates, not only alone but in an increasingly fragile mental state. My chances of making it through this period without serious incident were almost non-existent, and anyone with even the slightest insight into my life would have been able to see the warning signs.

‘Maybe I do need some kind of help’?

I was sure there was something wrong with me. There were times when I found it difficult to breathe or focus; moments, when my whole body was filled with dread and I couldn’t bear to face anyone. I wondered if I was going to end up like my mom. I was too young to die.

‘It won’t happen to me. I’ll kill myself first’.

It made sense at the time, even though nothing else did and when I considered it, it didn’t seem that bad an option. The thought of not having to deal with Don or Sue anymore or the continuous self-inflicted torture over Nathan was actually quite appealing. It frightened me that I was able to even think about it, and I was shaking as I stepped out of the shower with more tears running down my already wet face.

I don’t know how long I was in the bathroom for, but when I finally emerged under my own big black cloud, everyone else had gone to bed. It summed up a terrible day and echoed how I was feeling. Dark and alone. Despite all the fancy talk and reassurances, when it really mattered, no one was there for me, and another stray tear fell from my reddened cheek.

‘I’ll make them all sorry’.

I sniffled and tip-toed in my underwear across the basement, guided only by the dim light from the lamp next to Alex’s sofa bed. He was asleep, but I hadn’t even heard him come in. I decided to leave the light on, but as I passed the foot of his bed, he threw off the covers and sprang up like a jack-in-the-box to startle me. I must have jumped a foot in the air, tossing my dirty clothes across the floor.

“Alex! What the fuck. You scared the shit out of me.”

“Shush, you’ll wake everyone up, douche bag.”

“I thought you were asleep.” I was still shaking as I picked up my clothes and struggled to my feet. My attempt at a smile came out all wrong, and he would have noticed my tear-stained face, but I wasn’t in the mood to hear about his evening with Jenny. As I turned to walk away, he grabbed my arm, looking concerned.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You don’t look it.”

“That’s because you nearly gave me a heart attack.” I managed to pull my arm from his grip, but he stood in front of me blocking my way.

“You were in the bathroom for over an hour, you know. What were you doing in there, beating off or something?” He gave me a wry smile.

“I need to go to bed, Alex. Just leave me alone please.”.

“Are you ill?”

“No.”

“Then what’s wrong? Why are you upset?” He put his hand under my chin and lifted my head up. Then brushed away a tear from my cheek and smiled at me. “This won't look good if someone comes down here.” We were both in our underwear, and I could feel his foot against mine as he faced me in the semi-darkness. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

“I wanna go to bed.”

“I don’t mind; we can still talk.” He gently nudged me in the direction of the sofa-bed, but I resisted.

“That would look even worse,” I said and managed a half smile. “I need to sleep, Alex. Okay?” He nodded and gently ran his fingers down the outside of my arm. It was only the slightest contact but so un-Alex like.

“If you change your mind, you can wake me up. Then we can talk about whatever it is that’s bugging you, or we don’t have to talk at all, if that’s what you want.”

The truth was, I didn’t know what I wanted. I just knew I didn’t want the same as him. Not that night and not after he had been with Jenny.

“Goodnight, Alex.”

As I closed my bedroom door, he was still standing on the same spot looking at me, and I paused for a couple of seconds to admire his body in the soft light. He always had the best chest I had ever seen on a boy. It seemed almost criminal that he should choose to waste it on a female, especially Jenny.

*     *     *

I felt slightly better in the morning despite being woken at eight. It was the first day of my suspension, and I was planning to catch up with some sleep, but Sue had other ideas.

“It’s not a holiday,” she said. “It’s supposed to be a punishment. I have a list of jobs you can do around the house, so I want you up, dressed and ready to start work at eight-thirty.”

I groaned, rolled over and covered my head with the pillow, but at eight forty-five I presented myself, almost dressed for further instructions.

Sue was reading a magazine and looked surprised to see me, almost as if she was expecting me to ignore her and stay in bed.

“Where are your socks dear?”

“I haven’t got any, they’re all in the wash.” Without realising it, I was playing right into her hands.

“Well, that can be your first job today then, the laundry!”

“The laundry?”

“It’s easy enough, we have a washing machine that does it for you. I’ll show you how to use it.”

I had to change the sheets; not just my bed but she made me do Daniel’s, Alex’s and Luke’s too and then sort their laundry baskets into piles along with mine for loading in the machine. Ploughing through heaps of boy’s dirty underwear was definitely not on my list of fetishes, but I applied myself to the task as best as I could, with the help of my earphones and some drum and bass.

“Don’t forget to check the pockets before putting items in the washing machine,” said Sue and I smiled and waved at her pretending not to hear.

“Okay see you later. Have a nice day.”

She shook her head in dismay and left me to go back upstairs, but her advice proved useful. Tucked in the pocket of my cargo pants from the day before was the pack of cigarettes I found in the shed.

‘I forgot about these. So who’s the secret smoker around here’?

I came to a conclusion they had to belong to Alex. It seemed like a reasonable assumption to make, but I couldn’t understand why he felt the need to hide them and in the shed of all places. I was going to put them back but didn’t fancy going in there barefoot, so I put them in my drawer for safekeeping before Sue called me upstairs.

“I’ve made a list of some jobs that you can do around the house while you're not at school.”

When she handed it to me, I nearly fainted. “I can’t do all of this. It’ll take me all day just to read this list.”

“Don’t be silly. You don’t have to do them all today, but we expect them done before the end of the week.”

‘We’?

I might have known Don was involved in this. Even when he wasn’t there, he found ways to make my life difficult. I was pretty sure it was a trick to make sure I stayed indoors while I was grounded. With no one around to check up on me it would have been easy to slip out, if I had someplace to go, that is. Her next words as good as confirmed my suspicions.

“Remember you're grounded, Robbie. You’ve been good lately, so don’t throw it away.”

I nodded to her and smiled. “I’m not gonna be running around town the minute you go out if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“I know dear, and I trust you.”

“Not enough to not feel the need to have this conversation though, right?”

She seemed a little surprised by my question. “I suppose not,” she said. “Look you’re a smart kid; if you can just learn to control your anger, honey, then you’ve got a good case.” She ruffled my hair and kissed me on the forehead before heading out the door, leaving me bemused.

‘A good case? What’s that supposed to mean’?

Sue was probably a little generous when she said she trusted me. With the house to myself, I found it difficult to muster the same enthusiasm for work and was easily distracted. First by the need for sustenance and then by the need for Tom. I called him on Skype just as he arrived home from school.

It was odd how I still gravitated towards him whenever my life went askew, and there was a lot I needed to say to him. He sounded relieved when I told him about Nathan.

“He was flirting with everyone when I was there,” said Tom. “And I’m not sure if I should tell you this, but I’m pretty sure something is going on between him and Alex.”

I respected Tom’s opinion, but I still thought he had been influenced by Nathan’s over-the-top play-acting.

“What makes you think that?”

“It doesn’t matter now, does it? It’s just… Well, that’s the impression I got.”

Even on the jumpy video, I could see that Tom was hiding something. He was trying to protect my feelings, but I needed to know.

“It does matter,” I said. “You wouldn’t just say that unless you knew something. Was this what you wanted to tell me?”

He looked pensive and started biting his nails; something he always did when he was nervous. Finally, he sighed and relented.

“I overheard Alex talking to Nathan on the phone. He didn’t realise I was in the bedroom.”

“When was this?”

“A few days before I left. You were at school, and it was Nathan who called him. I’m guessing during lunch.”

I was dubious; It sounded so unlike Nathan. I couldn’t imagine him wanting to talk to Alex. I didn’t even know he had his number.

“How did you know he was talking to the same Nathan?”

“How many other Nathan’s does he know?”

I was clutching at straws, but it was the only option I had left. If it were true, it would be undeniable proof that something had been going on behind my back. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know anymore.

“I’m sorry, Robbie but I’ve been torturing myself over this too. I didn’t want to break up your relationship, but you need to know, just in case you were thinking of doing something stupid, like going back to him.”

“Yeah, something stupid like that.” I was numb. Staring at the screen in a state of shock. Tom would never lie to me, yet I didn’t want to believe him. There had to be a reason. “What were they talking about?”

“It sounded like Nathan wanted to meet up, but Alex was housebound at the time. He kept telling him he couldn’t leave the house, that’s all I really heard.” It was enough though. More than enough to convict them both; confirming my worst fears. My heart sank like a stone, and I bit my lip as I tried to think of an excuse to end the call.

“The fucking shitty bastards!”

“Sorry mate. I know how much you liked Nathan, but you're better off without him and probably Alex too.”

‘That leaves me with no one’.

Tom, was right but it still hurt me to hear him confirm it. I had been betrayed by two of my closest allies.

‘How can so much go wrong at the same time’.

“Robbie, I know you're hurting right now. I wish I were there to…” Tom had a quick glance over his shoulder. “To make you feel better.”

‘Hurt? Yeah, I’m hurting all the time’.

It just varied in intensity, and I wasn’t sure if I could take any more.

I smiled as my eyes filled with tears. After briefly recovering from the initial blow the full weight of his words was slowly sinking in; dragging me down again.

Tom looked disturbed, probably annoyed with himself for making me sad. He reached up to the camera as if trying to touch my face.

“Robbie, are you okay?”

I was a long way from okay.

“I shouldn’t have told you,” he said. “Maybe it wasn’t a good time.”

“No, you did the right thing, Tom. I’ll be alright. There would never have been a good time to tell me something like that.” He looked exactly how I felt, hot and shaky. Trying to put on a happy face but failing miserably.

“You're not going to do anything stupid are you?”

If ever there was a tall order, it was that, and I chuckled. “Probably,” I said. “I usually do.”

“I meant, you're not going to start fighting Alex when he gets home, or do something even worse than that.”

I was intrigued. I couldn’t think of anything worse than fighting Alex, but I kind of knew what he was trying to say.

“No, not as soon as he gets home anyway. It can wait until after dinner.”

“I’m serious. I know you're a long way from here, and sometimes we don’t talk for weeks, but if anything happened to you. It would be the end for me too. I wouldn’t be able to cope with that.”

His words came straight at me like a bullet in the chest, choking me up and leaving me breathless but not entirely alone. I sensed that was important and managed to smile as he removed his school tie and unfastened the top button of his shirt. Tom always looked good in his uniform, one of the few who was able to do it justice. I wished I was there with him to undo the rest of those buttons and wrap my arms around his narrow chest. I wanted to hold him. I would have paid a lot of money to be able to do that.

“I have to go, Tom. I need to… I need to finish my laundry.”

Tom smiled at what must have sounded like a lame excuse, but he still looked worried.

“I’ll speak to you on Saturday,” he said. “I know it’s gonna be a difficult day. Call me if you're feeling down. Anytime okay. I don’t mind. Just stay safe.”

I was impressed that he remembered my mom’s birthday. He was a thoughtful kid who I still cared deeply about. Our conversation was proof to me that he felt the same way, making it all the more difficult to accept the distance between us. As his grainy image froze on the screen, I sat and cried to him for a good ten minutes.

‘Maybe when I’m eighteen and free, I’ll be able to go back to England’?

Two years still seemed like such a long time to wait.

*     *     *

If I needed a lesson in the value of patience, I got it from the television news the next day as all the channels streamed the Thunderbird-style rescue of thirty-three Chilean miners. They had been trapped underground for more than two months in a real-life drama broadcast daily to a worldwide television audience.

I was watching upstairs in the living room when Don came home unexpectedly early. He walked in just as they brought another miner to the surface and sat down with me to watch.

“How about that. It shows what can be achieved when people work together, Robbie. Instead of fighting each other all the time.”

I was amused at his quite brazen attempt to use this good news story as a way of justifying his own convictions. Subliminal advertising by promoting his philosophy of what happens within the family stays within the family. Strength through unity as he put it. On Thanksgiving, a threatened mutiny had been averted, and he was still basking in the glory.

I thought he would moan when he found me lazing around in the living room rather than getting stuck into my list of chores, but he had bigger fish to fry and some news of his own.

“I’ve found a counsellor for you,” he said patting me on the shoulder. “He’s highly recommended and can fit you in straight away.”

I didn’t share his enthusiasm for that very reason. If Don was happy with him, he was unlikely to be objective. I wanted to know who it was that was recommending him but Don’s answer was predictably evasive.

“He’s been around a long time and helped a lot of young people like you. I’ve made an appointment for Friday afternoon at the school.”

“But I’m suspended. I’m not allowed inside the school.”

“Well, obviously you are because I’ve just been to see Mr Andrews and he wants you to use the school’s facilities.” I switched off the TV and followed him into the kitchen.

“What if I don’t like him?”

“For goodness sake, give him a chance, Robbie. You haven’t even met him yet. You have to go into this open-minded, or he’s not going to be able to help.”

I was already leaning towards that conclusion, but it sounded like Don had made up his mind.

“How much longer is Alex going to be living here?”

Don looked surprised by my tone. “We still don’t know, why?”

“I would rather he wasn’t here.”

“I thought he was your friend?”

“Yeah, was,” I said. “But not anymore. He’s not a nice person.”

“Oh dear. What happened, did you two fight again?”

“No, but he’s a bully. You know that. I just don’t want him here anymore.”

“Well I can’t simply throw them out, but I will have a word with the social worker and see what’s holding them up. It’s not really fair on Alex and Luke either, they need somewhere more permanent.”

“Alex needs his own room too.”

“I agree,” said Don. It sounded weird, but I was too upset to want to make a joke of it and went back into my shell.

I had hardly spoken a word to anyone since Tom’s phone call ripped the bottom out of my once cosy world leaving me vulnerable and scared. Rather than lash out, I did the complete opposite, shutting down like a computer in safe mode, running only what was necessary to get by.

I kept away from the others as much as I could, concentrating on the jobs Sue gave me and avoiding conversation. Everyone else thought I was sulking, but there was a lot more to it. I viewed it as self-preservation; a kind of self-defence mechanism which automatically deployed at times of extreme danger.

“What’s up, man? Come on talk to me.” Alex was holding onto my shoulders and staring me in the face, but I showed no emotion as I brushed his concerns away for the umpteenth time and sat on my bed to listen to music. “What have I done?”

I didn’t have the time or inclination to explain. If Alex didn’t know by now, then he would likely never be able to work it out.

Nicola tried to reason with him before sitting down next to me, she and Amy were the only ones who I bothered to talk to. “They’re worried about you.”

“Who?”

“Mom and dad, and me too. Everyone! You can talk to me if you want. I mean it. You can tell me anything. There’s stuff you’ve told me in the past that I’ve never mentioned to anyone and I wouldn’t. Not ever!”

She was talking about Alex, but I wasn’t questioning her loyalty or her ability to keep my secrets. There just wasn’t much I wanted to say.

“It’s my mom’s birthday on Saturday,” I said. “I’d like to get a photograph of her and put it on the wall. Right here.” I pointed to a random space above my head in the middle of a blank wall.

“Is that why you're so miserable?”

“No, not really. That’s where I’m going to put the photograph.”

“I haven’t forgotten about your mom, Robbie.”

“Yes, you have.” My abrupt response made her jump but opened her eyes a little to a part of the problem.

“Would you prefer it if we talked more about her?” I nodded as my phone rang for the first time since Thanksgiving.

It was a quarter after nine and I didn’t recognise the number.

“Hello, Mr Andrews.”

Nicola was walking away to give me some privacy but stopped in her tracks when she heard his name. I looked at her and shrugged my shoulders, so she came back and sat next to me. The principle calling my cell phone late in the evening was too delicious a scoop for her to pass up, but I was happy to share whatever he had to say. I even lifted the phone slightly away from my ear so she could listen.

“Do you want to talk to Don?”

“No, Robbie. It’s you I need to speak to. It’s about your appointment tomorrow with the counsellor. We don’t think it’s a good idea for you to see this particular person. I would prefer it if perhaps we could find someone else. Someone more connected with the school.”

I shared a worried glance with Nicola. “Why?”

“He’s not really suitable. You’ll have to believe me on this. I’ll explain it to Don in the morning, and we can talk on Monday. I’ll call you to the office.”

“Why is he unsuitable?”

“Let’s just say his beliefs wouldn’t help address your problems. I doubt if he would have your best interests at heart and quite frankly it’s not good enough. He won’t be allowed in the school, but I have no control over who you see outside. So if Don decides he still wants you to talk to him, then you will have to call me, and I’ll try to talk some sense into him.”

“He’ll make me see him,” I said. I was absolutely sure of it.

“Okay. Look, I don’t want you worrying, and you don’t have to talk to Don. We can do that for you. You're not alone, it seems you’ve made some important connections. People are watching out for you.” His attempt to reassure me wasn’t working though, and I was starting to shiver again as I went into a cold sweat.

“Who?”

“A mutual friend of ours, who’s been very concerned about you. He’s going to call you tomorrow during the day. He can help you, Robbie. You should listen to him. His name’s Walter, and apparently, you destroyed his flower beds.”