18 Weeks of Twoey - 43. Week Seven Monday, October 13, 2014: Aftermath

There was no school, it is Columbus Day!

Naturally, Gary and I ran as usual.

“You know, now you've seen Twoey, the gang should meet because Nels and Sam have some questions ...this way we can all talk together.”

It made sense. We picked noon at Sam's house. It should give me plenty of time for what I needed to do this morning.

I had to meditate.

My emotions are pulling me apart right now ...no, ripping me apart! I can't even function anymore. I thought I had everything figured out after I first met him in September. There is some kind of attraction to him and I can't do anything about it. It's simply there. I thought I had it worked out but he got shot and I met him in my healing place. I hoped it was an allegory or something, if there can even be an allegory of life, but now I know, however it happened, I really met him there and I convinced him to live. I told him I loved him, which played a part in convincing him to fight to live. How can I now suddenly turn my back on him?

Abandon him.

Just like Mike?

No fucking way!

I didn't intend to tell him I loved him. I didn't even think I loved him. The words came out of my mouth without any forethought or, I guess, out of my brain because that’s where my healing place is. I would never have said anything like that to him in person. I don't know what this attraction is, but it can't really be love, you know, the romantic kind.

I have this enormous problem to work out. From yesterday at the hospital, I know Twoey knows. He knows I love him, or that I said I did. I even returned his kiss. I shouldn't have done that!!! But I did. His mother knows I love him. But I'm not gay.

I don't love boys ...only Twoey.

I'm not attracted to boys ...only Twoey.

I need to somehow deal with this, but it's difficult ...really fucking difficult!

I need to find a path. I need to find a logical path. A path I can live with. A path which will bridge all the competing emotions. If I don't find a logical path, everyone is going to think I'm gay. And, as I'm sure you realize by now, I'm not gay. I can't be gay.

I don't know, maybe it isn't worth it. Maybe nothing's worth it. Maybe life's not worth it. But I can't simply give up. Not without a fight. But ya know ...I don't see any happy ending here.

Not.

At.

All.

After about an hour and a half of meditating, I thought I might have found a path. I know I can't stop loving him. I tried and obviously it didn't work. But we certainly can't be anything like boyfriends and I will keep my girlfriend, sadly.

We can't ever kiss again. Never. Never!

Never! Never! Never!

I'm going to have to make it perfectly clear to him. We can't ever kiss again.

My love for him is going to have to evolve into a love like I have for Tommy. It has to. There is no other option because I am not gay.

Feeling somewhat more in control again, I turned my thoughts to what I could and couldn't say at Sam's house. I know things about Danny and Twoey and the shooting nobody can know I know. I know things about myself my gang can't know. I've got to get all my ducks in a row, I must be in control.

You simply don't understand how important it is to be in control of my life. If I'm not in control of my life, I can’t even see life. Seriously. I would be a piece of flotsam on the ocean. Nuh-Uh ...not happening to David!

When we congregated at Sam's, I filled them in on Twoey's condition and said he's been walking a little and should be home in a couple of weeks. The wound seems to be healing well and the head pains he was getting are gone now cuz they fitted him with a small harness to straighten his spine, or head, or whatever.

They started asking. Most of their concerns revolved around one central question: what really happened in Danny's house. What did Twoey tell me? Well, that was easy.

“He doesn't remember anything about it. He doesn't know Danny is ...you know, and doesn't even know he, himself was shot. He only knows he has a neck injury which will have to heal before he can talk. I’m forbidden to let him know anything about Danny or the shooting because the doctors want him physically out of danger first, before having to worry about his psychological damage. It’s also why he can't have his phone, cuz in about 10 seconds he would discover everything.”

Finally they all seemed to grasp it.

I continued. “He can’t even have visitors for a while. Only his mom. She somehow got me included on the list. I don’t know why or how.”

Sam said, “Of course she did.”

“What? What do you mean by that Sam?”

“Jesus David, it’s like you two are joined at the hip!”

“You’re fucking crazy Sam! Why do you think that?” I stood up and got in Sam’s face.

“Easy big fella! I just mean you guys seem to have hit it off well. I think Twoey feels more comfortable with you than with anybody he’s met here yet. His mom can see that. Calm down David.”

Sam had raised his arms in a defensive posture ...Jeez, as though I would ever hit Sam! I’m ugly-worried now. (Dannytalk) Sam reads me so well. Has he detected this magnetic connection?

Fuck! He’ll think I’m gay pretty soon.

I gave him a smile while pushing down his insulting arms to make him comfortable. I’m not mad at Sam. I could never be mad at Sam. I just reacted cuz I was worried. Hopefully Sam realizes it too. Duh ...of course he does!

We spent a couple more hours at Sam's with most of the time being spent listening to Sam's weird bands. But he wanted me to hear a new song Hopeless Attraction by some guy singing with only a guitar. So it was okay, if you're into that sort of depressing stuff and I was only half listening. You know, same old stuff. He had a girl, they were in love, now they’re not, yada yada yada.

But Sam told me to pay attention to the last verse of the song:

Hopeless Attraction

...

We were destined to fall

We were destined to fail

We wounded our feelings

We murdered our love

Should have hit the third rail

To have ended it all

...Should have ended it all

“Wait, What? This guy’s telling you to kill yourself? Isn't it illegal or something?”

Sam goes, “No dummy, it's a metaphor! He's equating the failure of this hopeless love to murdering their love and saying it would have been better not to have loved at all.”

“The FUCK he did! He said killing himself would have saved him from murdering his love! He's saying killing himself would have been good for his lover! Jesus Sam, that's what he's saying!”

We all got into the discussion, and it was pretty intense. It ending with everybody, except Sam, agreeing with me. Well, I guess if the song got us riled up, it was good music! I told Sam those exact words, and it sort of smoothed his ruffled feathers.

Shit! Twice in one afternoon I got in Sam’s face.

But the chilling last verse started to eat at me. It related to me and Twoey in some strange way. When I got home, I Googled the lyrics and printed the last verse. I mounted it in the facing side of the CD case I used for Twoey's half-dollar. Now they sit side-by-side on my desk.

We were destined to fall

We were destined to fail

That's scary.

I was truly exhausted after all my thinking and worrying and explaining. It was about 5, so I set the alarm for 7:30 and took a nap. I slept until the alarm woke me, it’s how strongly everything has been grinding me down.

I did some pushups and crunches, took a shower and headed over to Twoey's house for supper, I hope.

This time we made bacon cheeseburgers! It began with Ginny grinding a piece of meat she called Chuck.

I asked, “Why did you give the meat a name?”

She giggled. “It’s what this cut of beef is called.”

She showed me how to work gently with the ground beef called Chuck. She even had me add an egg and breadcrumbs and Worcestershire sauce, then shape the patties while she cooked the bacon and fried up some potatoes. I grilled those burgers on this big ribbed griddle on her stovetop. Ginny even showed me how to melt cheese over them. She had some great Kaiser rolls! We assembled the burgers with bacon, lettuce and a slice of tomato. I usually leave vegetables off in a restaurant, but I don't think I'll be doing it anymore because ...the whole thing was just amazing! I ate three of those juicy fuckers!

Chuckburgers! Hehe.

My stomach actually hurt it was so full.

When we finished and cleaned everything up I told her I needed to talk to her. We sat side-by-side on the sofa.

“Can I love Twoey and not be gay?” She had a puzzled look.

I continued. “This is really troubling me. I've been attracted to him since the first minute I saw him. I have never been attracted to a boy before and I still don't have any attraction to boys ...except Twoey. I have a girlfriend who I'm starting to become very fond of (little white lie). None of this adds up. I'm very bewildered. I meditated on the whole thing this morning and think maybe I'm confusing it with a love like I have for my brother. It doesn't feel the same though. The problem, I know, is Twoey himself. He kissed me last night before I left, did you know?” She nodded.

“If his love for me can't evolve into a brotherly kind of love then ...then ...I just don't know what to do. Is Twoey gay? Do you know?” I had a feeling she did.

She said yes, she knew. She proceeded to tell me the story of his coming out fiasco in Syracuse, which corresponded to what Sam had told me. Suddenly I knew why his friend Mike gave him the half-dollar back. I held my head in my hands and started to cry a little, and then a lot, as it finally sank in what giving me the half-dollar really meant!

I looked up at her and know she saw red, puffy eyes.

I slowly whispered, “This is gonna be harder than anything I could ever imagine!”

She pulled me over and gave me a tight hug.

“Ginny ...I'm going to hurt him. No matter what I do, I'm gonna hurt him! I ...d don't want to hurt Twoey! You gotta know that. I ...h have feelings for him! But I don't know how this is ever gonna work ...or not work!”

I started to cry harder. “H ...How can I come here every day? W ...Work with him for hours? C ...Cook his meals? A ...And then have him start to h ...hate me because I won't l ...love him the way he wants, th ...the way he d ...deserves??” I was blubbering.

She was rocking me and said, “You're tormenting yourself. You should not be doing this to yourself. Please honey, you really need to see Dr. Keating. I'm sure he'll be able to help you.”

“I ...I know, but th ...they’re against psychiatry. That st ...stupid crackpot religion of hers!”

“What about your father?”

“He always g ...goes along with whatever she wants, y'know just to keep the p ...peace I think, b ...but he has let me do s ...some things lately, like s ...skipping church to v ...visit Twoey, come to think of it. M ...Maybe I'll work on him.”

She asked if I still had Dr. Keating's card and I said yes. She said, “Honey, you know sometimes you can't solve all your problems by yourself.”

I guess ...maybe I can't solve all my problems by myself.

It’s a new thought for me. I may have to relinquish some control in order to stay sane, unless it’s too late. I might be crazy already. Could I have gone crazy already?

Meanwhile, I think I'm becoming depressed too. Depressed and crazy! Shit, I'm gonna hafta talk to Dad tomorrow! He’s the only one who can save me.

I didn't call Kathy tonight.

Twoey

I was giddy today, just thinking of his kiss. I kissed David, and he kissed me back! He smiled at me! He said he was happy! He loves me, just like he told me in my dream. That bashful smile at the door, right before he left ...YES! Things are going to be so different when I get out of here! I'll have a boyfriend! And what a dreamboat of a boyfriend! And he'll be at my house every day! Wow! Can it get any better?

Mom saw something was going on as soon as she got here. “Well, you seem chipper today! What's got you so happy?”

I blushed. Then she said, “Oh, I get it. Blondie's visit.”

I wrote: “He kissed me” HA... That surprised her!

I wrote: “we luv each other”

But she held my hand and said, “I told you to be careful with him. Last night when we got back he seemed troubled with the thought of loving you. I think David is a very confused boy right now, and I'm worried about him. Don't push him too hard. I know how much you want this, but I don't think you want to push him away, do you?”

I wrote: “God, NO!” then: “I'll be careful”

Jesus, more shit to worry about and exactly when I thought everything was going my way!

Then I remembered Danny's warning. Well, sonofabitch! If I hafta fight ...I'm gonna fight!!!