18 Weeks of Twoey - 32. Week Five Thursday October 2, 2014: The Beginning

We all gathered at Sam's house, also including Mel, Kathy, Lanni, Lauri, Matty and Erik. After a few hugs, we walked three blocks to St. Pat's, the pretty little church where the McCanes belong.

It was a very old building, with walls all made of stone. Entering, it seemed somehow mystical. The ceiling vaulted into a high empty space, darker and cooler than the world outside. It was a grey day, and so the stained glass windows didn’t cheer the interior much. We sat nearer the front than the rear. There, up near the altar, two caskets rested side-by-side in the aisle. One was covered with an American flag. I never looked at a single other soul in the church. My eyes remained fixed on Danny’s casket.

I suppose it was a normal Catholic mass ...a funeral mass. While it was unusual to me, it was very gentle compared to what I was forced to endure every Sunday at The Church of Everybody’s Going to Hell.

I never realized how lucky Gary was, attending a Catholic church.

When the service was over, the priest blessed the caskets, and walked around them with incense. I was transported to another era, an earlier time. This ancient rite, with the clinking of chain against censer and the biting of incense against sinus, caused my tears to overflow.

Danny and his father were slowly rolled down the aisle, then outside to the hearses for their last ride, which was only a block or so, to the cemetery.

We walked there, on this gloomy day, to the land of the dead. Quite a few students attended, along with many adults in uniform. Everyone gathered around the graves. A few more prayers were read and I noticed Mrs. McCane, wearing a black veil. Standing next to her, in a Navy uniform, was Carl, Danny's older brother. I remembered him from when we were little, but he left when we were about 9 or 10.They must have been in the church with me, but I never noticed. I was certain he wouldn't recognize me, especially among the crowd of kids, but he caught my eye a few times. I figured it was probably nothing.

I stood in a sort of daze as the sound of a lonely bagpipe floated in and out on an intermittent breeze. The rifles were fired, their barks echoing off nearby buildings. The flag was carefully folded and ceremoniously presented to Mrs. McCane. The caskets were gently lowered as the cemetery service drew to a close. After the bulk of the crowd left the gravesite, I hesitantly walked over to say goodbye to my special friend for the last time. I attempted to hold back sobs, as again my tears flowed.

Trembling, I stood next to that ugly hole. My tears were blurring the depressing image before me. I conjured up Danny’s face instead, which caused me to evoke images from our past.

Somehow Danny always seemed closer to me. I know Gary is my best friend, but Danny was such a special friend. The word “special” doesn’t do justice to our relationship, but I have no appropriate adjective in my vocabulary.

Thinking back to all the fun and great times we had together, I realized the greatest times were the normal, everyday times. Until this very moment, I never appreciated how much of my life was Danny. How different my life will be without him in it.

Hollow.

I could still feel his arm draped around me every day, as we walked to school.

I could still see the sly smile he would toss my way if our gazes ever connected ...it was his signature, the smile which seemed to talk to me.

I could still hear the patter of strange words he would inventively cobble together, like no one in the world ever would, to get across his point.

I could still see his red hair and big brown eyes.

I could still see the short smiley kid with a million freckles, who always looked years younger than he was.

And now he would never get any older.

He will live here forever, in this cold land of the dead.

I was totally lost in my memories when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up and it was Carl. He smiled and simply said, “David.” I couldn't believe he remembered me! I smiled back through my tears which were by now running down my face in two steady streams.

“Can we talk?” He gently asked me. I nodded.

He started to lead me away and I glanced over at my friends who were giving me questioning looks. I waved them on, basically telling them to go home without me. I also glanced back toward the grave, one final time ...eternally final.

Carl led me several rows over until we were totally alone, by a huge old oak tree.

I quietly whispered, “I can't believe you remembered me.”

He chuckled and said, “Oh, I remembered you all right. I had a little trouble recognizing you because you've grown so much, but in a way, you still look the same. It wasn't too difficult.”

I had no idea why he wanted to talk to me. I stupidly said, “How are things going? Navy, I see. Travel a lot?”

He laughed. “No. A West Coast desk job. Technology and stuff. No long cruises to the ends of the world.”

“Bummer.”

He laughed again, but suddenly got serious. “Did you know he sent me an email almost twice a week? He was extremely unhappy with his life. Dad made his life miserable.”

“Oh? He never said anything to us.” But deep in my heart I knew otherwise. Danny was such an unhappy boy.

“No, he never would. I was his outlet. At least the emails were. We always had a close relationship. He told me everything. All his fears and problems.”

“Oh?”

“And you, David, were in every one of his messages. Without fail.”

“Me??”

“Oh yes! Danny had a serious crush on you.”

“Me? ...wait. A crush? ...wait. You mean...?”

“Yes, Danny was gay. He knew it when he was 10.”

“Gay? 10?” I was sorta babbling by now.

“And he had a crush on you ever since.”

“Me? NO! ...Holy Fuck!” I was getting this bewildering information dumped on me. My brain was on overload.

I needed to break out of this conversation, when it occurred to me maybe Carl would be able to give me some answers. “Carl, I might be out of line here and I understand this is hush-hush, but I have no idea what could have happened Saturday night at your house. I've heard bits and pieces of stuff which don't make any sense to me at all.” I had stopped crying and was wiping my face dry with my hoodie sleeve.

“I’m not supposed to reveal any of this information.”

Whispering, I looked into his eyes. “I know. I’ve been advised. But before I received the warning, I also obtained some facts. Look Carl, you know I wouldn’t break your trust. Danny was too close a friend for me to do that to you ...or to him.”

I didn’t think for a minute he’d buy it.

“I'll tell you what I know, but it hasn't been made public and probably never will. You must keep it between you and me! You'll understand when I tell you.”

To say I was surprised would be an understatement. Carl was gonna tell me! I nodded very soberly.

“Well, you know how my father was.” I nodded again.

“I think one reason is, for the past five years or so, he did suspect Danny was gay. Of course, he would have none of it. His twisted mind probably thought a gay son would somehow stifle his career. The career ladder was the only passion he possessed. He confronted Danny at every opportunity. I’m sorry to admit, sometimes he used violence. He was a homophobic asshole. He got this brilliant idea to compel Danny to devote all his time and effort toward gymnastics. He became obsessed with it. I think he figured it would stop Danny from having idle time, or whatever other evils he conjured up. He discouraged any friends. He had a strict set of rules and never allowed any friends of Danny into the house.” This I knew, of course. Not the gay stuff though.

“Saturday night he and my mother were supposed to be at a function until after midnight. She ate something which bothered her and she was getting pretty sick. She told me they came home early. Normally mother drove because he’d always get sloppy drunk. They had partied quite heavily since he got his last promotion. I’m told he had a lot of drinks Saturday too, but wasn’t blotto yet. Consequently he drove. My mother said the ride home was frightening. She thought they were going to die, but she was too sick to take over. When they did arrive they found Danny and the other boy naked together.”

Carl put his hand on my shoulder. “He went to the cabinet and got a gun. I have no idea if it was only to scare them or what. According to mother, when he returned the boys were both in the hall, clothes in their hands. Danny was behind the other boy, trying to pull him out the back door. The gun went off and shot the boy. Again, I don't know if he tried to shoot the boy or if he fired the gun accidentally because he was too drunk. Mother said he was very drunk. But it doesn't matter.”

Carl removed his hand, took a breath, and wrapped his arms around his own body. He spoke slowly and quietly. “What happened next though does matter. Mother said both boys fell from the shot. It was a large caliber gun. Normally the type of bullet used would destroy vital parts of your body when it hit bone. It’s designed to kill. But, as I was told, the bullet went through the other boy's neck, missing anything hard I guess, and flew right into Danny. Danny’s short. It hit him in the head, pretty much destroying it. My mother and father couldn't miss two facts: Danny was dead and the bastard killed his own son. He immediately turned the gun on himself. My mother watched him blow his own head off.”

“He killed his son?” I gasped, and got sick. I went behind the oak tree and heaved out my guts! Carl came over and held me while I puked up everything I'd eaten, probably since the last time I puked. When nothing more came out, he wiped my face with a hanky and said he'd drive me home.

“No, I need to walk, I think.”

“David, you’re in no condition.” Carl led me to his car and drove me home.

Before I got out he said, “Knowing you weren't gay was very tough for him. He was really obsessed with you, you know. I tried to talk some sense into him, but there was another problem too. He couldn’t betray his orientation with anyone else in town either. He always feared father would find out. Father was very well-connected in this little city. For the last year or so, Danny was meeting up with strangers from out of town. Most were older than him. I don’t know how he connected with them, but he did. I think maybe online. I tried to talk him out of it, explaining how dangerous it was. Finally, from his last message on Friday ...I think perhaps he was about to leave it all behind and move on with this new boy. He said they were falling hard for each other. He got a little careless and it cost him his life. Probably the other boy's too, I hear. Well, remember David, Danny was a little in love with you for a long time.” After saying those words, Carl left.

Danny was in love with me?

And Twoey is gay!

Well, you see what being gay in this town gets you? I cannot be gay. Period.

Gradually Sam's words sounded in my brain. “C'mon David, I'm not stupid.”

I cannot be gay. Period.

I knew I would never tell anyone what Carl told me about Saturday night. It might come out ...but not from me. I certainly would never tell anyone about my being Danny’s crush. Never.

Danny loved me. What a thought!

When I got home I needed to meditate! The house was empty and blessedly quiet. I stripped off all my clothes and sat on the bed yoga style, slowly lowering my brainwave activity until I was floating within my own being. The serenity was desperately needed and enormously good for me. I felt my core coming back together again. I was at peace.

Once arriving at this level, I went through a body relaxing exercise. Starting with my scalp and ending with the soles of my feet, I would concentrate on each area of my body until I felt it get hot. Next I would relax that part of me until it felt calm. Continuing, part by part, my entire body began to relax for the first time since Saturday night.

I had been in this state for a while (one loses all track of time here) when I unexpectedly had a vision of Twoey. Strangely, this vision was not his body. I mean it's weird, I couldn't see any physical Twoey but I could feel the presence of someone I knew was Twoey, but he had no actual appearance.

He was sad. He was upset about something. He didn't know if he was dead or alive, but he wanted to be dead. I was concerned, but discovered I could communicate with him by thinking. I told him not to be sad or upset. I asked him to return and live and I would take care of him.

I woke up. Well, what a bizarre dream! Since it was only about 2 o’clock, I decided to leave the house and take a walk down to my lake. I remained there all afternoon thinking about my life, about Danny, about Twoey. Why did I have this strange attraction to Twoey? I know I'm not gay. I don't lust after boys. I hardly lust after girls. I don't know what I am, but I have these feelings for Twoey. Since the first moment our eyes met. Well, once he dies I guess the feeling will vanish. It’ll have to.

Sadly, it couldn’t be so easily dismissed. I kept working it over in my mind, wrestling with the idea of having this feeling and now knowing Twoey was gay. Why wasn’t there a name for this attraction? I mean, it can’t be unique. I can’t be the only guy in the whole damn world to ever have experienced it! It wasn't lust. It couldn't be love. I mean, you don't love somebody in exactly one second! This is an emotion somehow internal. You know, it didn't happen when I first saw him coming out the door. It occurred when I fell into those green eyes. It’s the precise instant when it happened. His gaze penetrated to my very essence. I don't know what to call it, but I really can't deny it. Not anymore. Whatever becomes of Twoey, I guess I can't deny it ever happened. I’ll have to include it in my autobiography when I’m an old man of fifty. I was seriously attracted to a gay boy.

At about 8:30, I wandered over to Twoey's house, still in a daze, I think. Mrs. Messer answered the door and invited me in. The asshole from yesterday wasn't there. It made me more at ease. “Was the guy last night Twoey's father?”

“Yes, I don't know why he suddenly cared about Michael, but now he's gone back home to Syracuse.”

“I didn't like him. He made me uncomfortable. In fact, he made me angry.”

She smiled and mouthed, “Me too.” I smiled back at her. I like her.

Ginny gave me some good news. “Michael suddenly woke up a little this afternoon and recognized me, but was only awake for short periods of time. The pain medication they’re injecting causes him to sleep a lot. The doctors think the chances of him surviving are now better than 50/50, because he woke up. He's not completely out of the woods though.” Apparently he's really in a lot of pain.

Well finally ...something to cheer me up a little. She looked at me and said, “David honey, you need to eat.”

“I was at Danny's funeral and later I hurled. Maybe I shouldn't eat.”

She wouldn't have any part of it. She said the meal was almost ready. Thinking her ex was going to eat with her, it was already in the oven when he abruptly decided to leave. And get this: He left because Twoey was probably going to survive. Grr!

People like him and Johnson convince me there is no good God.

We went into the kitchen where it was nearly ready. Ginny directed me to the asshole’s place setting. I moved everything to the next place over and sat there. Ginny laughed at my refusal to sit in the fucker’s chair.

She served a most amazing meal. I ate something called Stuffed Leg of Lamb Orange. The last word is French, pronounce “oh-RAHNJ” according to Ginny. I know squat about French, but the meal was fantastic. It had rice and vegetables cooked to perfection. They still had body and were full of color and flavor. The lamb stuffing had a slight orange flavor too (American “OR-enj”). I ate a lot. She seemed very happy about it. She even forced milk on me, rather than the water I had requested.

Before we ate, Ginny uncorked a bottle of wine and poured herself a glass. I did a double take when I saw the label. “Ginny, why do they call this wine sincere? Is there insincere wine?”

She chuckled. I could tell she wanted to laugh, but didn’t want to laugh at me.

“No honey, the wine is Sancerre. It’s from the Loire valley in France. This dish has its origins near there and one should always try to match food and wine from the same area. One complements the other.”

I didn’t expect to get a wine education today, especially since I don’t like wine. But it was a pretty bottle.

Did I tell you how good this meal was?

“Someday could you teach me how to cook like this?”

She laughed and asked why. I told her Tommy’s mother made the most horrible food, and I couldn't eat it. It’s why I was losing so much weight.

She made a little deal with me. “Well, I know when Michael comes home he’s going to be rehabilitating for quite a while. You should come over here after school, help him catch up with his work, keep him company and help me cook. You would learn to cook and also help prevent us from strangling each other!” She had me laughing for the first time in a long time.

Twoey is maybe not going to die and David is maybe not going to starve.

Twoey

It was the place where I had been with Danny. Was I finally going to join Danny? I knew I didn't feel Danny near me and I thought perhaps I was back in the void, the emptiness.

But this was not the void. I had feelings. I felt very sad and very worried I wouldn’t see Danny again. But this was not nothingness. It was the place where I lost Danny, but it had subtly changed.

I got upset because I wanted to join Danny! I thought, “God, don't you GET IT? Take me to Danny!!”

At exactly this moment I could feel someone by me. I couldn't actually see anybody, but I knew someone was there, right next to me. I heard him. Not an actual voice I could hear but a voice I could feel inside me I knew it was coming from him. I knew the him was not Danny, it was David!

What was David doing in this place?

He told me not to be sad ...and suddenly I wasn't.

He told me not to be worried ...and I wasn't.

He told me he would take care of me! And the feeling of love I had always had for him grew within me. He told me to live.

Abruptly I heard talking and noises and could actually sense real people around me. I slowly opened my eyes, but the pain in my head was throbbing. I could see I was in a hospital room with equipment and nurses. One asked me if I could hear her. I tried to answer but nothing came out. She took my hand and said, “Squeeze.” I did and she said, “Our patient is conscious!”

I drifted away and when next I opened my eyes, Mom was there! She took my hand and said not to talk because I had an injury which needed to heal first. She asked me if I hurt and I squeezed really hard. She told the nurse who came over and did something to the IV which went into my hand.

I drifted off.