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18 Weeks of Twoey - 96. Week Fourteen Friday, December 5, 2014: Overwhelmed
Tell me, thou villain slave, where are my children?
Richard III - WS
***
“David, see how your little fish enjoys being rubbed?” And there was Burch, floating in the water with me and stroking the back of a little fish, which started to grow into a bigger little fish. I began splashing and kicking at Burch as he tried to calm me with what he was saying. Then he began to hug me and...
I woke up! Shit! How much weirder are these damn dreams gonna get? Totally tangled in my quilt again, I was sweating all over. No wonder I was kicking in my dream. I think these are all going to stop when my casts come off on Monday and I can finally sleep under the covers again. It’s got to be the damn quilt wrapped around me that’s causing all these struggling dreams. What else could it be? At least I didn’t scream this morning.
Or maybe I did because Tommy came in right then. I was happy to see him since, at that point, I really needed a shower.
“Why are you all sweaty?”
“I got tangled in the quilt and had a weird dream because of it.”
“Only three more days to go, brother.”
“Yeah. You’re probably happy about that too.”
He grinned. “Well, I’ll get 15 more minutes of sleep.”
When the gang got here for their morning visit, Nels explained Lauri had a talk with her sister about Cal, but it seems Lanni had already heard about his reputation from others and she was now out of his clutches. Damn! I had already come up with a few neat ways to deal with Cal. They all involved lots of pain on his part. Ok, I decided I could go back to my No-Hate policy ...hehe.
Even after they left I was thinking about Lanni until I got up to my room and saw Demian sitting on the table. It was time for Demian.
Chapter 3. This one had me starting to think. I found myself identifying with young Sinclair, who is just beginning to admit he has his own world divided into two parts. The public part, where he conforms to what’s expected of him – the good world – and the private part, where he is the typical guy my age: discovering sex, keeping secrets from his parents, lying, and sinning – the bad world.
But in this chapter, Sinclair has decided that both worlds are part of who he is. In the past he kept the bad world controlled and invisible, even to himself. As he said, the good world was the world of his childhood, where everything went smoothly and other people did his thinking for him.
I thought, Jeez, that was exactly right! That was one of the reasons why I’ve been so torn. You see, I liked that world! But it doesn’t exist anymore.
Demian told Sinclair, “You’ve never lived what you are thinking, and that isn’t good.”
I thought, maybe that was me! I think about so much new shit, but when I live it, I don’t take it to heart. I don’t make it part of me.
I realized I can’t call this new, more grown-up world bad because that’s what it is. It is the substance of what it means to grow up! Look at what I’ve done! Spying, blackmail, provoking! It was not bad, it was what was necessary! Yet I refused to take it seriously, as part of me. I created David2 to do that stuff.
Shit, It hit me. This was only me growing up! It was what one had to do to survive!
Then I began to think of more stuff. Look at what I’d been blind to! My friends have lived in their bad world.
Danny and Twoey. They were having SEX!
Gary and Mel are having sex!
Erik and Twoey. They are having sex! They are embracing their bad side.
I began to remember a few things. I recalled the first day. The day Twoey stared at me! Then in the hospital, Twoey kissed me. I kissed Twoey. I remembered when he patted my ass a while ago.
I wondered, did Twoey want me? I think he did. It wasn’t a bad thing, merely the next step in his life. He was embracing it. Well, I guess I should have said he wanted me. He’s got Erik now. But, at the time, I refused to acknowledge his desire. I packed it all away into an area of my mind, to never be visited again.
But then I got the uncomfortable thought, did I want Twoey? I mean, I kissed him. Not just those hello kisses, but in the hospital I really kissed Twoey. Look how fast I tucked that away into the same locked box with his desires. I ran away from it; ran down to get coffee.
I was seriously thinking about all those things. Then I thought of Alex. I have Alex. But, I’ve been keeping her at arm’s length. I was sure I could have all the sex I could handle from Alex. She certainly has her bad world completely under control. But do I want to? Why can’t I embrace Alex? I like her. I always did. From the first moment I met her. But why can’t I embrace her? Why can’t I live David and Alex?
And how did I really feel about Twoey? I mean, I said I was in love with him, and I was! As I thought about it more, I still was. I still love Twoey. That’s when I began having trouble getting my head around all those conflicting thoughts and emotions. I hoped something in this book would help me clarify the jumble in my brain. Fuck! I began to realize how messed up I really was.
Was my being uncomfortable with Erik simply my own jealousy? I began to question my motives. After all, why should I interfere with Twoey’s happiness? He wasn’t interfering with me and Alex. But then I remembered Sam was uncomfortable with Erik too. So something was definitely wrong there.
I kept thinking. Could there be justification for my not liking the Twoey-Erik dynamic for good reasons, but also have me jealous ...independently?
Crap! I realized there was a lot of shit to sort out there. I decided, maybe it was time for meditation. I only had a vague concern before, but I had some specific questions now, and most of them involved me!
All this confusion was on my mind as I decided to visit my healing place. I hadn’t been there in so long, it took several countdowns to create the serenity required to enter my mental room overlooking the crashing ocean waves. Putin was still there, as I hadn’t dismissed him yet. I knew he’d probably be too dangerous to entrust with this part of my own brain, so I thanked him for achieving the results I wanted with Pastor Johnson, who is now out of my life. It didn’t all go as I had planned, but it somehow worked. And so I retired him. He can go back to fucking up Russia, I guess.
I looked at the big screen to study the dynamic between me, Alex and Twoey. I expected a triangle. That wasn’t what I found, though. What I saw was a lopsided quadrilateral which included a person who truly surprised me.
Randy.
The quadrilateral was clearly unstable and quivering, as though it were about to collapse onto itself! I simply stared at the screen in utter disbelief.
Randy?
Well, obviously this was going to require some outside help. So I went to the elevator and waited for a helper to appear. I mused over the weird and diverse list of previous helpers: Derek Jeter, Joseph Heller and Vladimir Putin. Who would emerge from the elevator today when the bell dinged? You’re not supposed to be thinking about anyone before your helper appears, because you can’t force a helper. But I have to admit, my brain sort of expected Hermann Hesse. I didn’t even know what the dude looked like. BUT, just as with the other helpers, I could never, ever have guessed this one in a million years. Out walked Danny McCane.
Danny?
I stared at him, stared at him, stared at him, and then my eyes began to fill up. He placed his arm over my shoulders, exactly as he always did. A feeling of calmness and rightness suddenly swept through my body. I held him. I held him tightly for a long time. Finally, when I released him, he spoke.
“The clock is running out! If you are not careful, it soon will be time for you to join me, David.”
“What?!”
“David, you need to confront your problem. This is the hidden problem which lives inside you. Now you will return to consciousness while I work here, in your brain. Come back tomorrow and we’ll develop a plan. The plan to allow you to discover what you don’t want to discover, to know what you don’t want to know, to remember what you don’t want to remember and to do what you don’t want to do. It is your last and only chance. Fail, and you will join me sooner than you should.”
Then he gently kissed me and continued.
“You have been a good friend to my brother. Continue to be a good friend to him. Go, he’s almost here.”
And I woke up!
I shivered.
I didn’t have much opportunity to ponder his chilling words of warning or the confusion about his brother. I thought, why would Carl McCane need me to be a good friend? I didn’t have much time because it was time for lunch. I went down to make a sandwich before Chuck arrived. Danny was still on my mind when the boy who could have been his younger brother arrived. The mere sight of him threw me for a loop. But Chuck was all smiles. He told me he would be staying over tonight and Saturday with Matty. He blushed and giggled so cutely! While we were eating, I suggested he and Matty should drop in sometime Saturday afternoon for a few minutes. I hadn’t seen Matty in a while. I sort of missed him.
Suddenly I got new insight to what Danny had said.
“Chuck, you mentioned your mother, but not your father. Where does he work?”
“I don’t have a father.”
“Everyone has a father. Do you mean you can’t remember him?”
“No, it’s not that. Jeez, this is sort of embarrassing. According to Mom, when she was younger she had a fling with a young lieutenant, who was based here. I guess he was already married, but I was on the way. Anyway, he was about to get a promotion and move across the country to another base. He bought us the house we live in, so ‘my son can have a decent life’ and set up an annuity to provide a monthly income. I guess the family he came from was pretty rich. So that’s all I know about my father.”
And that’s all I needed to hear. Chuck was Danny’s little step-brother.
As Chuck was leaving, Aunt Sarah was answering the house phone. I soon discovered the call involved me. She passed me the handset.
“David? It’s your father. I’ll be home soon to pick you up. We’ve been asked to go to the police station for you to be interviewed. Our lawyer will meet us there. Try to dress as well as you can. I know it’s hard with the crutches. I think it would be wise to contact Alex and cancel any visit today. OK?”
“Um ...yeah. Am I in trouble?”
“No, but since it is a police interview, I think the lawyer is a good idea. Don’t worry about anything.”
What? Was he fucking crazy? I was going to be ‘interviewed’ at the police station, where I needed a lawyer, and I wasn’t supposed to worry?
This time it was Aunt Sarah who helped me brush my teeth, clean up a bit and find some clothes that would fit my temporarily encumbered body. It was a good thing Tommy showered me this morning!
Dad arrived at about two o’clock and, once again, I sat-lay in the back seat. When we arrived, I met our attorney, Mr. Colucci. I had never met him before. I didn’t even know we had a lawyer. He talked with the same accent Grampa has.
After signing in, we were ushered into a room where two men were waiting. The three of us sat at a long table opposite those guys. I had to take an end seat so my leg cast could stretch out to my left. Of the two guys opposite us, one was the prosecutor who had come to my house. I had forgotten his name, but he re-introduced himself as Harold Black. He introduced the other guy as BCI Senior Investigator Charles Moreland. That guy looked scary. But I decided I needed to say something to establish myself as more than a schmuck.
“BCI? What does that stand for?”
Mr. Black spoke. “I’m sorry, David. That’s the Bureau of Criminal Investigations. It’s part of the New York State Police.” Moreland didn’t say anything. Anyway, I felt I had to say something before this questioning began.
“Didn’t you guys get my answer that I was going to let the State handle the deal/no-deal decision? What’s left to investigate?” My lawyer was holding back a smile. Maybe he was supposed to ask these questions? I decided I’d better shut up and let the adults take over.
Mr. Black answered. I guess he was the only one of those two who was gonna talk to me.
“Yes David, we got your decision. Thank you for responding so promptly. Normally that would have been enough, but your case has had a new development. It seems the two juveniles involved have died.”
My eyes popped wide. “Died?”
“They committed suicide.”
Holy shit! I didn’t think I held back my surprise very well. So much for me being a cool witness!
“Together? Like a suicide pact?”
“No. They were being held in different locations to prevent them from interacting with each other. But they did die on the same night. Two nights ago.”
Vixere!
I couldn’t stop talking. My lawyer must have been going nuts!
“Isn’t that a little hard to believe? They each would be able to commit suicide in different places at the same time without discussing it with each other?”
“Yes. Of course it is. That’s why we need to ask you a few questions. You may have a piece of information which will help with the investigation. Can we begin?”
I looked at Dad and Mr. Colucci, who nodded.
“Shoot.”
Shit! That was probably not the best word for me to use.
Finally, the Moreland guy took over.
“What was your relationship with these three before the assault incident?”
“Mr. Burch was my social teacher until a few weeks ago. The vice-principal switched me out of his class.”
“Why did he do that?”
“I don’t think Mr. Burch liked me. He had given me a poor grade on an essay. When he returned it, I said some things that got me sent to the office. That’s when I got switched.”
“Did you threaten him?”
“No, nothing like that. I just asked if I was supposed to regurgitate propaganda to get good grades. I can’t remember my exact words, but it was something like that. I sort of lost control. I’m usually much cooler.”
I smiled, but he did not.
“You had no other interaction with him, outside of the classroom?”
“None – Wait! A couple weeks before they attacked me, I noticed him in our church for the first time. I mean, the first time I noticed him. I suppose he had been always attending. I never knew he went there until then. But we didn’t speak or anything.”
“How about the two boys?”
“Well, I knew who Coulton was. I didn’t know the other boy at all, except I had seen him in the Teen Service we had. So I knew he was somehow church related.”
“Had you ever interacted with the Coulton boy?”
“Not until about a month ago when he moved into our neighborhood. He lived on the next street over.”
“Were you friends?”
“Absolutely not! He was a little creepy. I even chased him away from my house when I found him looking into our front window.”
“Can you explain that confrontation in more detail?”
Shit! But I decided to tell the truth.
“I was returning from my evening run. Cross Country season was still going. I had a morning and evening 6K run. Anyway, I noticed him in front of the house. I warned him away.”
“You warned him. How did you do that?”
“Yeah, not my finest hour. I think I threatened him harm if he didn’t stay away from my house. I only said it to scare him away.”
“So you had a history of conflict with Josiah Coulton.”
That fucker was putting words into my mouth!
“No! That was the only time I ever talked to him. He was just creeping me out.”
“So aside from what you just described, there was never other contact between you and any of the three.”
“No. Whatever they had against me was related to that crazy religion. Burch said he was going to beat the demon out of me when he took the swing that knocked me unconscious. It was the kind of bullshit Pastor Johnson was always preaching.”
“Do you know of anyone else who knew these three, who might have been hostile toward them?”
“No. How could I?”
Ha! You didn’t think I was going to mention Gary or Uncle John, did you?
At that point Mr. Colucci stepped in, noting there was obviously nothing more I could add to help the investigation and demanded the questioning be finished. I didn’t think Mr. Moreland was too happy, but he really had nothing else legitimate to ask. And so Mr. Black thanked me and we left. Outside, before we parted, Mr. Colucci told me I did a great job. He said I should go into law.
On the drive home, I started to put the pieces together in my mind. Everything was all sewn up, right? I mean with Gary’s note. Vixere told him they had lived. Now the ‘they’ part of it made sense. So that meant everything made sense right?
NOT.
I’m smarter than that! Gary got the note last Saturday. Coulton and his buddy ‘committed suicide’ Wednesday night. Gary said my decision didn’t matter. Like Coulton was not the issue, or would be dealt with later.
So I realized this did not address vixere!
Not. At. All.
But I now knew what did.
As I looked back on it, today was sort of filled up with TMI. After dinner, I went to my room, turned off my phone before I plugged it into the charger. I lay on my bed and looked at the ceiling. I did a lot of thinking – a lot. At some point, I fell asleep for the night.
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