18 Weeks of Twoey - 105. Week Fifteen Sunday, December 14, 2014: Who Are You?

The mere attempt to examine my own confusion would consume volumes

- James Agee

***

Last night’s dream was back to Burch and fishes again. The good news was I didn’t wake up with cum in my boxers. Certainly not with Burch anywhere around. The even-more good news was that I wasn’t frightened. I did not wake up screaming, only a little earlier than usual. Somehow I knew, in this dream, he was no threat. Maybe it was because he had no contact with me in this particular vision and the fishes were actually frightening to him instead of me.

He was swimming. My dream-self was not a little boy this time, but actually my current self. Don’t ask me how I knew, I simply did. I was treading water, but beneath the surface and was only a witness to what happened. Burch was swimming along wearing that evil smirk he seemed to save exclusively for me. Suddenly a school of barracudas appeared. I know, they are solitary hunters. But not in my dream and, while in it, it never occurred to me otherwise. So this school of barracudas was swimming around me, but I wasn't afraid, because they were somehow friendly toward me.

OK, I guess I wasn’t just a witness. I pointed toward Burch and the fish took off at incredible speed. He was horror-struck and then became fish-struck as they battered his body all over the place, like they were playing baseball with him. Finally, they chased him into a little pipe – a sewer pipe, believe it or not – where he became stuck. They then proceeded to eat him, starting with his crotch. Yuck! But they ate him all the way up to his head, which they left alone. It floated around under the water, wearing only a painful look on his fucking face..

And then I woke up, eerily content. As I said, it was a little early, so I showered and had enough time to change my mind about what I was going to wear to church at least five times. This was important. It would be my first Sunday at the UCC church. People would notice the new kid, even though my brother had been there a couple times before. Tommy told me he really liked the atmosphere there. I remembered his words when he returned from his first time.

“It’s sooo different from that Pastor Johnson show David! You’re gonna like it!”

I was not sure any religion could ever be in the I’m gonna like it category, especially since I don’t believe in any God – well I guess I had better clarify that, cuz I know I’ve been saying it a lot and I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. I believe in all the Gods: the Nordic Aesir, the Roman Pantheon, the Greek Gods of Mt. Olympus, the Ancient Egyptian Gods, the Hebrew God, the list goes on and on. They are all Gods I believe in. They were all created by the mind of man and so I believe in them, just as I do other human inventions.

Anyway, a church is a society; it has nothing to do with a deity. So with that in mind, I selected a subtle buttoned, plaid shirt in large blocks of blue and indigo, tucked into navy jeans and navy Vans. Well, one navy Van and my black boot, of course. I wore a simple understated gold chain that was relatively tight around my throat, and could easily be seen through my open neck. My hair cooperated today and looked more blond against the color of the shirt. I preened in front of the mirror and thought, “Damn! ...you look good.”

It was a little chilly today, but I figured since I would only be outside for the short walk into and out of the church, I wouldn’t spoil my appearance with a coat. The service was pretty nice. It had the usual pattern and hymns, but friendlier. The sermon was pretty interesting. Aunt Sarah had told me a little about the pastor’s previous sermons. They were all about love and acceptance, not sin and damnation. That was a pretty pleasant thought. This particular church society sounded like it had a healthy outlook. The minister’s name was Pastor Weisseshaaren, which was quite a big mouthful for a youngish, rather small guy.

Today’s sermon was about being gentle. Well, here’s how it sort of went. He mentioned that we put labels like ‘Handle with Care’ on packages, but they sometimes get thrown around anyway. So he asked us, how often is someone’s heart broken or a child’s spirit crushed because of ignoring the label God placed on him. I thought that was a pretty thought-provoking beginning. I liked this guy right away. He continued, proposing ‘Be Gentle With’ might be a better label for people than Handle-with-Care. He suggested that gentleness was actually love touching us. I thought that statement was rather nice. He followed with a lot of other good examples and concluded with the thought that gentleness was a strength, not a weakness. He reminded the congregation that Jesus taught by example. That Jesus extended a gentle touch to saints and sinners alike. His last words were, “Let God strengthen you through gentleness.”

He also shook my hand when we left and welcomed me to the church. He called me by name, which meant Aunt Sarah must have told him a little about me, just like she told me a little about him. I think I won’t fight Aunt Sarah about being here every Sunday I’m able. I actually felt uplifted. This was a far cry from the feeling of outrage I developed in that other place.

When we got home, I followed Tommy into his room and sat on his bed. He looked at me for a moment, then sat beside me.

“What’s wrong?”

“What makes you think something’s wrong?”

Tommy has a certain look. One which tells you not to fuck around. He gave me that look.

“OK. Well, things are sort of getting mixed-up in my head. There’s something inside me trying to break out. But it’s not breaking out nicely. I think my head pains are related somehow. I ditched school Friday because of those pains. Of course, you heard Alex describe what Sam told her when the pains came on at his house.”

“Your ditching school isn’t normal, you know.”

“Yeah, I know. But right after homeroom, I just had to get out of there. I was feeling smothered or something.”

“Where did you go?”

“Down to the lake.”

“Wasn’t it cold down there? What did you do?”

“I talked to a seagull.”

My poor brother sort of stared at me in disbelief.

“When do you get to see your head doctor?”

“Tuesday.”

“You’re going to tell him about all this, aren’t you?”

“You think I’m going crazy, don’t you?”

“No. We both already know what crazy is, and you’re not it. But you do have a problem. You have to let the doctor try to help ”

“I know. And don’t worry, I am going to talk to him about everything. Will you still love me?”

“What?”

“Will you still love me if they put me away?”

Tommy grabbed me and held me close. “No one is going to put you away. And I’d love you no matter what.”

Now I was speaking into his shoulder. “No matter what is a very big category.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“You could end up being the only one who loves me.”

“Then I’ll be the only one who loves you.” He squeezed me tighter.

When we finally unclenched, I gave him a little kiss on the nose and went to my room.

After my Tommy-time, it became David-time, my time to meditate.

At my healing place, Danny was insistent that I become true to myself. He liked that I was strengthening the bonds with Randy and it was helping the parallelogram become more stable, but he said a lot of work still needed to be done ...especially with Twoey. I sure hope Mike gets the job done next weekend! Danny put that sly smile on his face.

“How was the experience of making-out with Randy?”

“I didn’t make-out with him. He only gave me a kiss.”

“One kiss?”

“Two.”

“How did you feel while you kissed Randy.”

“Nice. He kisses well.”

“Was it like kissing Twoey?”

“Nothing is like kissing Twoey.”

“Then why are you with Alex?! Why are you letting Twoey be with Erik?! Do you like Erik?”

“I hate Erik.”

“Don’t you ever listen to how you feel inside? Don’t you ever act on how you feel? You have a lot to do, but very little time left to waste on thinking. When you meet with the doctor, be sure to talk about your dreams.”

“Which dreams? The boy dreams or the fish dreams?”

“Both.”

“Danny, what is my biggest problem? If I have limited time, I should deal with the biggest problem first. So which is the biggest problem?”

“You are your biggest problem. Who are you? You don’t have much time to figure that out.”

I was just ready to ask him about the amount of time he was referring to, when I was back – sitting on my bed. I was sort of paralyzed by what Danny said. What should be my next step? I figured it was time to address the elephant in the room. What was I going to do about Alex? What was I going to do about Randy? What was I going to do about Alex and Randy together? I was SO confused. I felt, in some way, painted into a corner.

Even though it was only about 40 degrees out, there was no snow on the ground. I needed to go to my lake and prepare for my two difficult meetings next week. I had a feeling I shouldn’t be winging it in either one. There are some serious decisions to be made and, it seems, very little time left to make them.

I put on a heavy coat and a knit cap pulled over my ears. I took a sweatshirt with me to sit on because the benches were bound to be pretty cold. I didn’t want a frozen ass. I folded it and put it under my coat. The body heat would keep it warm. And so I walked as best I could. I was experiencing a different feeling. I don’t think it was resolve I was experiencing, but depression.

I was tempted to stop at Sam’s house, but this was a problem I didn’t think he could help me with, at least not yet. So I continued to the lake and walked down to the old broken pier.

The cold gray waves were crashing into and rolling over it. Like me, my lake was in turmoil too. It was cold. It was bleak. It was hopeless. It matched my mood precisely. I slowly walked back toward the park and sat on the nearest bench, putting the warm sweatshirt under my butt. I sat there, blankly staring out onto the frigid, empty lake. My lake. It SO mirrored me.

Who are you, David? You know you are not who you thought you were. You know you’re not that innocent kid whose only concern was baseball and screwing around with your gang. You know that kid is gone. Did he ever even exist? Was he just a construct? Did you invent him and believe in him the way men create a God and believe in Him?

Hesse said, "We create gods and struggle with them, and they bless us." Is that what you did with David? Did you create him and struggle with him and he blessed you? But who were you then? Who are you now? WHO ARE YOU? That was Danny’s final question.

That made me remember Lewis Carroll:

The Caterpillar and Alice looked at each other for some time in silence: at last the Caterpillar took the hookah out of its mouth, and addressed her in a languid, sleepy voice.

`Who are YOU?' said the Caterpillar.

This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, `I--I hardly know, sir, just at present-- at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.'

`What do you mean by that?' said the Caterpillar sternly. `Explain yourself!'

`I can't explain MYSELF, I'm afraid, sir' said Alice, `because I'm not myself, you see.'

`I don't see,' said the Caterpillar.

`I'm afraid I can't put it more clearly,' Alice replied very politely, `for I can't understand it myself to begin with; and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.'

`It isn't,' said the Caterpillar.

`Well, perhaps you haven't found it so yet,' said Alice; `but when you have to turn into a chrysalis--you will some day, you know--and then after that into a butterfly, I should think you'll feel it a little queer, won't you?'

`Not a bit,' said the Caterpillar.

`Well, perhaps your feelings may be different,' said Alice; `all I know is, it would feel very queer to ME.'

`You!' said the Caterpillar contemptuously. `Who are YOU?'

I knew who I was on September First, but I didn’t know who I was now. I almost felt like it was David in Wonderland now. Things were shifting and changing all around me and I couldn’t explain them to myself. I couldn’t even explain ME to myself. How queer is that? – as Alice would say.

Sometimes I almost admitted I might be gay. Sometimes I almost convinced myself that I was really straight. I had stated it was only Twoey who was the problem, but I kissed Randy ...and liked it, a lot. I kissed Alex and I got hard and I came! She blew me too! Now there was suddenly this Donny Nelson, who was invading my dreams. What the fuck was I?

I must have been mumbling to myself as I stared blankly at the gray water.

There it was: the lake. The Lake. My Lake. Isn’t the color of a lake supposed to be the color of what it reflects? It was trying to be blue, to reflect the blue sky ...but it was gray. Why? I shouted at the lake.

“Don’t you know who the fuck you are either?”

“Was that question directed at me?” I knew that voice.

I turned my head, now aware of someone sitting next to me on the bench. I didn’t recognize him because he was bundled in a big coat, with a knit cap pulled down and a scarf over most of his face. He lifted a gloved finger and pulled the scarf down just far enough to uncover his face.

Then he turned to face me and I almost shit.

“Donny?”

He chuckled. “Well then, I guess that wasn’t a question for me.”

“What are you doing here?”

“I often spend Sunday afternoons here. It clears my head. But today I saw this guy sitting on a bench talking to, apparently, the lake, and it piqued my curiosity.” He threw me a killer smile.

“Well today is not your lucky day. You should run away from me as fast as you can.”

“Why is that, David?”

“Because I’m fucked up. I am seriously fucked up!”

“Aw ...that’s too bad, because I wanted to get to know you better.”

“You did?”

“No, I do.”

“Why?”

He leaned into me and gave me a soft kiss that lasted for about 15 seconds.

“That’s why.”

I bent over and dropped my head into my hands.

“Oh, God! No!”

“You didn’t like the kiss?”

“I loved the kiss.”

“I’m confused.”

“No, I’m confused. I’ve kissed more boys than girls this year. How can a straight boy do that?”

He gasped. “You’re straight?”

“That’s why I’m out here talking to the lake. I don’t know what the fuck I am anymore. I’m not the same me that I was from the day I was born until this year. I am now a different person and I don’t know who I am. I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know how to deal with me. I feel like a stranger in my own body!”

“Can I help?”

“No. Kiss me again.”

He did. We kissed for a brief moment, then he got up and straddled my legs and we kissed harder. Donny was pressing his hardness into mine as he sat on my lap, forcing his body into me. ‘No! I don’t like this! I don’t like you!’ I was beating on his big chest, trying to get away. “David?” He kept squeezing me and trying to calm me down. David? Where are you? ‘Get your hands away from me! Don’t touch me there! Stop rubbing me!” But he wouldn’t! He kept telling me how much I liked it. David!! Snap out of it!! ‘Go away! I’ll tell my mommy! Let me go!!’ David!! He was holding my hands to keep me from beating on his chest. He was holding my hands, as I opened my eyes and saw a concerned Donny looking at me.

“David? Where were you? Who were you talking to?”

“I don’t know–Burch! I was talking to Burch! He was rubbing me and making me hard.”

“Who’s Burch?”

“He used to teach social at the high school.”

“When did he rub you?”

“He didn’t. I only have nightmares about him doing that.”

“This was no nightmare.”

“Is there such a thing as a daymare?”

“David, you were beating on my chest, but weakly, as a little kid might.”

“Yes, that’s exactly the way I feel in those dreams. like a little kid.”

“Have you talked to anyone about these dreams?”

“No. But I have a therapy session Tuesday. I’ll mention it then.”

“No! Do more than mention it. This is some serious shit.”

I rolled out from under him, taking a deep breath. “Thank you for the kiss.”

“My pleasure. Are you sure you’re straight?”

“Will the Earth continue to revolve around the Sun if I don’t have an answer?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why can’t I be me? Not gay or straight, but just me. Kiss who I want, love who I want, not fit into a little slot that someone else dreamed up.”

“I think I can live with that, David. But – could you?”

“Honestly, I don’t know. I have no fucking idea.”

“You know, if you can’t live with it but think you can, you’re in for a lot of trouble.”

“I sense I’m already in for a lot of trouble anyway.”

“Can I be your friend?”

“You really don’t know what you’re getting yourself into.”

“I accept the challenge. Things were getting a little boring anyway, until I met you. Now things are more ...interesting. And, after that kiss, a lot more interesting.”

We got up and started walking around the park, and talked ...and talked. Not only did Donny look more mature than the average freshman, he is more mature. We walked and talked a lot. It felt good to walk. I could feel my leg was lots stronger and that sort of made my internal spirit a lot stronger. We found ourselves working our way into town and I suggested we warm up in Kory’s, maybe over some hot chocolate. We drank our chocolate and talked more. We each ordered a veggie burger and talked more. We talked as we looked into each other’s eyes. His big brown eyes were beautiful. They were windows into his beautiful soul. He was trying so hard to understand me. He was trying so hard to encourage me, to shake me out of my sadness.

I explained I was trying to understand myself – trying to be true to myself. He never judged me, never told me what to do. He only said, “You have to understand yourself to grow as a person. I know that for a fact. My only advice is not to quit. You will be able to do it.” He put his hand on mine, on the table in the middle of Kory’s.

“I like you a lot, David. I seriously like you.”

“I like you a lot too, Donny, seriously like you.”

When we got up to leave he asked if I enjoyed the service today. I was taken aback.

“You were there?”

“Sure, it’s my church. You really looked nice today. You always look nice, but you were especially good looking today. The girls in the pew in front of me were wetting their panties over you throughout the entire service.”

“I’ll have to find you next week.”

“David, please – find me sooner” And then he left.

I was SO not ready for my session with Dr. Keating on Tuesday. I was SO not ready for my little talk with Randy and Alex tomorrow. But I didn’t back out when I called her tonight. We will walk to Randy’s house tomorrow after school, and then the shit’s really gonna hit the fan!

Pray for me! – to whomever you wish.