18 Weeks of Twoey - 109. Week Sixteen Thursday, December 18, 2014: Being Examined

The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.

- Mark Twain

***

I woke up earlier than usual. I guess my subconscious mind had been churning. At least it didn’t curse me with a dream, but with a nagging thought. I knew exactly who I needed to ask for help. After my shower, I sat naked on my bed and started to meditate. It didn't take me long to arrive at my healing place and meet Danny again, who was soon on my lap.

“Can you help me with this worry I’m having about Donny? I mean, is he helping me or hurting me? I feel it’s Donny who has been responsible for my mind coming to grips with my sexual orientation. Yet, at the same time, Donny is slipping into my heart. From what you’ve sort of implied before, I thought it was to be Twoey. So what’s happening to me?”

I noticed that Danny was examining me.

“Are you in love with Donny?”

“I have feelings for Donny.”

“You are now scratching the surface of discovering yourself.”

“Tell me how to completely discover myself.”

“I can’t tell you. You have to discover yourself on your own. Follow your feelings. You’ve made a start, but it is only a start. I will tell you this: time is running out. Don’t forget, you only have until the end of the year.”

“But that’s less than 2 weeks away!”

“Yes, it is. Remember, I’ll be disappointed to have you join me if you don’t meet the deadline.”

I was wondering what would happen if I didn't make the deadline.

“What do I have to do?”

The next thing I knew, Tommy was sitting next to me, rubbing my back.

“You should dress and come down for breakfast now.”

It took me a minute to clear my head. “Um ...oh sure ...thanks, Tommy.”

At breakfast, he was looking at me weirdly again. My brother was examining me. I had to stop this shit and get my old Tommy back! I took the opportunity to ask him a question.

“Do you know Barbara Nelson?”

My brother's head shot up.

“Why? What’s up?”

“Well, I – um – met Barbara Nelson and ...”

“And WHAT?! When? What did she say? How did you meet her?”

Now, that sounded more like my brother.

“Well, did you know she has a major crush on you?”

“No – Really? She always sorta liked me but, I figured, only as a friend.”

“Nope. It’s just an act. She bombarded me with questions about you.”

“Oh shit! What did you tell her?”

“Don’t worry, I lied and made you sound nice.”

“Do you really think I have a chance with her?”

Go for it brother!” Tommy's eyes lit up. I was happy that one situation was put right today.

It was another situation on my lonely walk to school. My friends, it seemed, were only interested to know if I was really sick yesterday.

Donny was waiting at my locker.

“How did it go with the doctor yesterday?”

I looked around to make sure no one was near, then whispered, “You were right. He thinks I was molested by Burch when I was little, but I still can’t remember anything. He warned me about some possible side effects though. At least he actually gave me some useful advice, for once. And you were right again. I have another session after school today.”

“Are you still going to stop by my house tonight?”

“Yes, of course.” I smiled at him. He returned my smile.

I didn’t want him to invite me to dinner though, so I never mentioned eating at Kory’s tonight. I needed some alone time. I had a feeling the session today might get a little intense.

I tried to use homeroom as a mini-meditation to calm myself and focus for the barrage of tests today. Unfortunately, today was the day a few girls decided to ask me if I knew anything about New Years Eve parties. By the time I convinced them that I didn’t know anything, it was time to leave for English.

The English exam was tough. Maybe they reviewed some of this stuff yesterday, or went over it more when I was in the hospital, but I had to be creative in my answering. I only hoped Mrs. Bloom appreciated creativity. I think maybe I was a little tensed up from English, because of what happened in second period.

As I walked into bio, Martin must have been behind me because he put his hand on my shoulder – to ask me a question, I guess. But I was unprepared for the touch and didn’t know it was Martin. I swung around and instinctively pushed him away. The poor guy went crashing over a chair and onto the floor!

As soon as I realized who it was and what had happened, I went over to him and helped him up.

“What the hell!”

“Sorry Martin! I didn’t realize it was you. It just caught me by surprise.”

“Jesus, what did you expect in your bio class, someone assaulting you? ...Oh shit! You still have that banging around it you brain, don’t you.”

“Yeah, I guess so. I’m sorry I reacted like that.” I didn’t want to tell him my mind flashed a picture of Burch touching me, and that’s why I pushed him away so hard.

“No, I shouldn’t have grabbed you without you knowing who was touching you. I just keep forgetting what you went through.”

At least the bio test contained only material I had studied. There were no surprises, like in English.

Third period math was much more in my comfort zone. When I finished, I made a quick glance behind me, only to see Chuck giving me a sassy look to show he had finished before me. Twoey, on the other hand, looked defeated. Erik the wonder-horse must not be keeping his boyfriend’s nose to the grindstone. When I was the one helping Twoey, he was understanding his math pretty well. Speaking of the fucker, I found a text on my phone this morning from Mike. I guess he and Alan are going to entertain the fucker and Twoey at the Syracuse mall on Saturday. I don’t know about Mike, but Alan is sure big enough to keep everything under control. I’m almost squeezing for the fucker to do something stupid.

At lunch, I found out there were no party plans yet. Everyone was beginning to get desperate for any party anywhere over the vacation, which begins Monday. After that, they all went back to complaining about exam day and how hard all the tests were. That is, except for Matty and Chuck, who seemed to be having an animated conversation with their eyes.

Fifth period was my last exam, and it was Adv. Prep. As I walked in, there was Alex, at her seat, staring at me. Were her eyes red? Shit! Caerus! Make her realize it’s over! Produce a boyfriend for her to latch onto and forget me! I’ll make a sacrifice to you – maybe Erik.

Anyway, I threw a smile at her and Randy, then sat down to prepare for my exam. It was a thorough and rigorous test, with lots of essays. But I probably had devoted more time and study to Mrs. Delmonico’s class than to the total of all the others. It was a wonderful and thought-provoking exam. I know, it’s difficult to believe anyone could enjoy an exam, but I enjoyed this one. Call me weird. Randy and I exchanged some small talk right after the tests were handed in, just before the period ended.

Walking to sixth period, it felt like all my exam worries had been lifted. In the weight room, Jack dragged me over to the big mirror.

“David, with all the core workout you’re getting, your upper body is starting to look great!”

I actually needed to look in the mirror to see if what he had said was true. I’d been working out harder, but everything else had consumed me so much I hadn’t paid any attention to my body. It actually made me feel good that he had noticed. I didn't realize he had been examining me. In seventh period PhysEd, there was nothing to do. There would be no more homework until 2015! That was quite a thought. Anyway, I sat in the bleachers and watched the teams competing on the court, but my mind was miles away. Actually, I just lied to you. I was focused, like a laser, on Twoey. I’d been sort of avoiding looking at him much over these last few days. I think you know why. All this confusion that had been doubling up in my mind, all this inability to face it because of those barriers caused by Burch’s abuse, it all really went back to Twoey. Even the whatever-it-was-I-have with Donny was being shaped by the whatever-it-was-I-wanted-to-have with Twoey. I admitted a long time ago that I was in love with Twoey and nothing has changed. Well, nothing has changed except I now have Donny, who, in his own gentle way, is breaking down those barriers. Of course, this left me more confused, because now I had two guys to be confused about, not just one. I was thinking ahead to my session today when the period ended. I left the bleachers with a final glance back toward Twoey, only to be met by a glare from Erik. Fucker!

After school, Randy met me at my locker. He wanted to walk with me. I had mentioned my appointment when we talked in Adv. Prep. Alex was still keeping her distance. Anyway, since he lives the other side of downtown, he said he would keep me company today. Just about at that moment Donny showed up to confirm I’d see him later. Randy and Donny exchanged what could be graciously called hostile glances. Shit!

On our walk, Randy asked, “What’s up with you and that little kid?”

“He’s not a little kid. He’s only a year younger than us.”

“How do you even know him?”

“I already told you. He’s Gary’s swim-team mate.”

“That’s how you met him, but why do you hang out with him?”

“Well, he’s Chuck’s friend too. I’ve bumped into him a few times. He’s a neat dude, mature for his age.”

Crap. Now I’m lying to Randy.

Shit.

How did I get involved in messes like this? It’s like Horkos was following me, punishing me for my lies! Well, I wasn’t about to explain anything to Randy right then because I didn’t even know what was going on with me. Also, because – well, you know.

Randy told me Alex called him last night and relived our breakup in minute detail.

“She was in tears, but said she understood. She was actually proud of you for thinking of what was best for her. But she kept sobbing.”

“Yeah, it didn’t make it any easier for me though. I like Alex a lot.”

“What does that mean for us now?”

“Randy, there is no us. I told you that on Monday. I like you a lot and we’re friends – close friends. Alex has nothing to do with that.”

We were just on the edge of downtown when he steered us into a dark little alley between two old shops. We kissed. Yeah, I know. This was stupid. But I liked kissing Randy. He held my head in his hands and kissed me again, but then he pulled back. He was examining me.

“Something’s different.”

Shit. He could tell.

“I’ve got about fifteen minutes before my appointment. Let’s go to the bookstore and find something for Alex for Christmas. We can talk.”

Randy has known Alex forever, so we didn’t have any trouble each finding her a book that she’d enjoy receiving for Christmas. While we were shopping, we were talking. It didn’t take Randy long to figure out Donny was the different something. That was no surprise to me. Randy is both smart and perceptive.

“When are you going to admit you’re gay?”

My face got red as I spit it out, between my teeth.

“We’ve been through this before. I’m ME. I don’t want to be a label!”

“Whatever you say. As long as you can live with it.”

Randy was a little cold. I understood. He thought when I broke up with Alex it was a green light for him. But he was wrong. He’ll come around. I never misled him ...I think.

Horkos! Get the fuck away from me!

“I’ve got to get to my appointment. See you tomorrow.”

I stomped out – well, as close as I could come to stomping with my big boot.

As I walked in, the receptionist waved me through. Talk about being right on time!

“I’ve kissed some boys.”

“Back when you saw me the first round of times, you mentioned kissing your friend Twoey. Do you mean you’ve kissed another boy since then?”

“Yes. That’s what I mean. But it’s actually been two other boys.”

“I see. And does this bother you in some way?”

“Well, yes. The first boy had actually ‘come out’ to me, sort of by mistake. Then, a few days later, I asked him to kiss me because I was beginning to get confused about my orientation. Well, you know, from what we said yesterday, I have this barrier inside me. So anyway, I knew how I felt when I kissed Twoey, but wasn’t sure how I would feel kissing another boy. This boy is a friend, and since I knew he was gay, I figured he wouldn’t punch me out for asking him. So we kissed.”

“How did it feel?”

“Well, I didn’t get the jolt I always got with Twoey, but it wasn’t like kissing my brother. Just between you and me, it felt better than kissing my girlfriend. In fact, it was one of the reasons I broke it off with her. That feeling made me realize I could never have sex with her.”

“And what did you do with this boy?”

“Nothing. He sort of thought when I became single that he could get together with me, but I explained that was not the case.”

“So you never kissed him again.”

“No. I mean, no you’re not right. I did kiss him again.”

“Why?”

“Because he wanted to.”

“David, you’re a smart boy. Don’t you see something wrong with this?”

“Yes, of course. I yelled at myself too. Anyway, I think he finally understands there is nothing between us, in that way.”

“How did he get to understand?”

“He sensed, in that final kiss, that there was someone else.”

“This is the second boy you mentioned?”

“Yes.”

“And he kissed you too. Once?”

“No. He kissed me and I kissed him and we’ve had several kisses.

“You’ve done more than kiss.”

“A little more. In fact he was on my lap, pressing our erections together, when I had my first daymare-flashback down at the park. He helped snap me out of it and we discussed the dream quite a bit. He’s the friend who helped me understand about the suppressed memories and Burch’s abuse. He’s really helped me a lot. I feel comfortable with him.”

“Are you in love with him?”

“That’s funny, someone in my brain was asking me the very same question. I don’t know. I might be falling in love with him.”

“Someone in your brain?” Oh-oh, here comes my last exam of the day.

“This is sort of embarrassing. Sometimes I meditate to calm myself down, or improve my focus or search for solutions. I think my brain creates an alter-self, so I can freely discuss issues with him.”

“Does this alter-self look like you?”

“No, it’s a completely different person.”

“Is it always the same person?”

“No. I actually call him a helper, and he is different for each issue.”

“Is it a fictitious being, or someone you know?”

“It’s usually someone I know, or know about. Right now it’s my friend Danny, the boy who was shot when Twoey was shot.”

“He’s dead, right?”

“Yes.”

“What is Danny telling you right now?”

“He’s telling me to figure out who the real David is. He also thinks I don’t have much time to figure it out.”

“Do you see these helpers at any time when you’re not in meditation?”

“No. If you’re worried they’re like voices telling me what to do, it’s nothing like that. They only help me when I’m in meditation and ask for them to be there. They bounce different ideas back and forth with me. I think all my mind has done is create a vehicle for me to use when solving little problems. They don’t tell me to get a gun and go out to shoot people, or anything sick like that. Honest!” I hope I passed his test, or else, get out the straightjackets!

“Getting back to the second boy. Suppose your friend Twoey suddenly became available. What would you do about your new friend?”

“I don’t know. I think it might depend on how long it took. I mean, right now I have an attraction to my new friend, but I love Twoey. But in six months, I might be seriously in love with my new friend. At that point, I think I’d choose the new friend. If it were tomorrow, it would be Twoey. If it got somewhere in the middle, I’d be in a heap of trouble.”

“You know, David, you might be in a heap of trouble already. Please think about this carefully. I think you need to make the Twoey decision before you go any further with your new friend. It would be cruel to do otherwise. Either wait for Twoey or forget him and move on. Otherwise, you will not only hurt other people but also yourself. Maybe you’re simply not ready for any relationship until you sort yourself out.”

“I think you might be right. Now, in a related matter, each of these boys has implied that I am gay. The first one even asked me ‘when are you going to admit your gay?’ and the second one, the one I sort of like, asked ‘are you sure you’re not gay?’ So, when will I know if I’m gay or not?”

“When you resolve the abuse with Burch and realize that being gay and feeling good when he rubbed you are mutually exclusive concepts. You can be straight and have enjoyed the feeling or you can be gay and have enjoyed the feeling. One does not have any bearing on the other.”

“I can understand that intellectually but I can’t fight it emotionally.”

“And that is perfectly normal.”

What followed was a pretty intensive session of questions and answers. We traveled down many avenues related to sexual orientation. Dr. Keating was very informative. I never realized the concept was so complicated. The entire realm of bisexuality itself is full of so many subtle nuances. When, as he suggested, I began to think of one’s sexual orientation on a sliding scale between completely straight to completely gay, I could sense that I had no way to explore this if my little brain-guard kept saying, “You can’t be gay.”

While this was going on, a part of my mind was becoming more certain that I should simply enjoy what I wanted to do, without needing to put a label on it. I realized this was exactly what I had been saying, all along. So I must have had a gut instinct about the safe way to live, at least until my memory returned and I could resolve everything. The next thing he said, sort of woke me up.

“That is what the next step in your therapy will try do address.”

“What do you mean by the next step in my therapy?”

“The help for childhood abuse has become somewhat specialized. I’m in the process of getting you specific therapy for your problem. I’ll know the results by tomorrow. That will also be our final session before I leave for Europe. If you think of any particular questions, be sure to bring them along. I’m confident you’re going to work your way out of this, David. Remember the warning signs and get help if you feel overwhelmed. I’ll see you tomorrow, right after school. I’ll be able to give the details of the something special I’ve lined up for you when I’m gone.”

Leaving Dr. Keating’s office, I headed for Kory’s. I figured I would eat alone and do some thinking about what we had discussed. Somehow I had the uneasy feeling everything was coming to a head right now. And right now was not the time for this to be happening! I was not ready! Honestly! Nothing was lining up. No paths were the most logical. I certainly couldn’t go into a crisis, as big as my orientation, totally out of control! And so I looked forward to a quiet veggie-burger and the time to get my brain into some sort of order. This was especially important since I would be at Donny’s house tonight!

But the quiet time was not to be.

Sam and Deena were there and I was told to sit with them.

“Wouldn’t you guys really rather be alone? I was just gonna eat and do some thinking by myself.”

Sam goes, “Are you crazy? You’re dangerous when you think by yourself!”

They were laughing, but I was dreading this little dinner. I knew I was going to be in trouble with these two very smart friends examining me.

Sure enough, it took like three seconds for them to tell something was wrong.

Another ten seconds and they knew Alex and I had broken up. Damn! Why couldn’t I have dumb friends?

At least I used the breakup as a cover-up for my mood. See! I was smart too! So my friends tried to lift my spirits from the devastation of the breakup. Sam and Deena really are both good people and were good for me. I think they like me too. One veggie-burger and a glass of water later, I was saying goodnight, thinking Donny-thoughts. Sam got up to walk me to the door. Before he returned to Deena he looked me straight in the eye.

“Come over to my house soon and we’ll talk about what’s really bothering you.” Another exam!

FUCK.

Thankfully, the Nelsons had finished their dinner by the time I arrived. After taking time to talk with Pauley and answer more Tommy-questions from Barbara, Donny dragged me into his room and shut and locked the door. We were kissing and removing clothes at a rapid pace. I couldn’t believe I was naked, as he pushed me back onto his bed. He too was naked as he got on top of me and started kissing. We were naked as our bodies rubbed against each other ...lips to lips, tongue to tongue, chest to chest, erection to erection. I was more inflamed with passion than I have ever been before. Ever. We moaned into each other as we became lubricated with sweat and pre-cum. I wrapped my good leg around his to give me more leverage to push against him as he slid his up and down against mine. Our nipples brushed against each other on each thrust. We were both getting closer as the thrusts became harder. Our sweat was pooling between us and we really became frantic, banging quickly against each other. I shouted into his mouth as I spurted again and again. His cock was sliding through my cum and Donny grunted into me as he blew his load and just kept thrusting and shaking. Holy fuck! I think I needed that release after Randy, Keating and Sam.

Finally, we came to rest and experienced our afterglow together. We kissed gently a few times, then he got off me to go into his bathroom, returning with a warm damp towel to clean us off. We were a serious mess! We threw on our boxers and sat on the bed holding hands and getting lost in each other’s eyes. He started to talk ...I sorta knew what he was about to say ...so I put my finger over his lips and just shook my head.

“Please, not yet. Can’t we just enjoy this and not put a label on it?”

Donny smiled and gave me a devilish little grin.

“At least not for now.”

“Fair enough.” I nodded. We slowly dressed each other and I put my boot back on. “Thank God this fucker comes off Monday, I think.”

Then Donny surprised me.

“Come to my swim meet tomorrow night and we’ll find something to do after, or we’ll just come back here.”

I agreed with a shy smile. That got me another Donny-kiss. I’m becoming addicted. Naturally, Mrs. Nelson wouldn’t let me walk home, so I got another ride with Donny and me in the back seat, holding hands. At least Donny didn’t give me any fucking exam!

Tonight, as I slipped into bed, I texted Donny.

“Sweet dreams.”

A few seconds later, he responded.

“Only when they’re about you.”