The Cockney Canuck - 108. Chapter 108 A Spiritual Guide

“Who’s Walter?”

My sister was leaning into me demanding some answers. She knew how uncomfortable I became whenever there was physical contact between us, and often used it to her advantage.

“He’s a friend of mine, now get off me.” I pushed her away, but she quickly re-attached herself to my arm. I hated it when she was like this. Clingy, girlish, and annoying. I preferred it when we were fighting. Siblings were supposed to fight, especially adopted ones, but being overly sweet was still a grey area for me. I needed to learn from Daniel; it didn’t bother him. He had grown up with it and could deal with it much better.

“What did you do to Walter’s flower beds then?”

“It was an accident, he’s a nice man. He used to be a social worker in Toronto before he retired and moved here. I guess he knows Mr Andrews somehow.”

“Dad’s gonna be pissed.” She let go of me to look at herself in the mirror.

“You think?” I was sure Don would go crazy when he found out Mr Andrews had cancelled my meeting with his specially arranged counsellor. “He’ll make me see him; I know he will. He’s not gonna just let this go, he’s paying for this guy.”

Nicola stopped posing in the mirror to give me a stern look. “Why don’t you just try and blag it, that’s what I would do?”

“I don’t understand.”

“I know you don’t. You make things hard for yourself because you're so stubborn, but you can’t win. He holds all the cards. All you have to do is tell this guy what he wants to hear and his job is done. Then tell dad that you’ve seen the light and you're no longer gay. He’ll probably buy you a car for Christmas, he’ll be so pleased.”

“That’s ridiculous he would know I was lying.”

“Of course he would know, silly. But that doesn’t mean shit to him. He’s not interested in the truth; he works in advertising. He’ll be happy to accept whatever story you tell him as long as it fits in with his ideology and no one else knows.” She turned back to the mirror and bunched up her hair. “Do you think it would suit me if I cut it this short?”

“No, you should keep it long, but it looks better when it’s darker and not so red.”

She wasn’t convinced, posing critically before turning on me. “It’s not red!”

“Yes, it is.”

“No, it’s not.” Her eyes narrowed as she turned on me. She hated being called a redhead, but this time I wasn’t ready for a battle.

“Okay, it’s actually more golden brown.”

She was happy with that. “See how easy it is. I know you're lying, but I don’t care, because you told me what I wanted to hear. All you have to do is apply the same principle with dad and your life is made.”

“This family is so fucked up.”

“You know I’m right though. He should pay me instead of some dickhead quack!”

As ridiculous as it sounded; Nicola was right. Don had no substance whatsoever. He was as superficial as they come, he only cared about what people could see. It was almost an obsession with him.

“I should never have told them.” I rolled onto the bed and buried my face in the pillow.

“It’s not too late. Think about it. It actually makes sense. You split with Nathan because you realised you're not gay after all. Nathan just, I dunno, just tricked you.”

If I weren’t so depressed, I probably would have found that funny. It was an absurd idea. Utterly ridiculous, but I also knew, with Don, it would almost certainly work.

‘Obviously, I was only attracted to Nathan because he looks a bit like a girl and wears nail polish. I mean, any guy would be the same right’?

“Well, what do you think?”

“You think I should betray myself, just to please his warped mind?”

“No, Robbie. It’s not his mind that worries me, it’s yours. You're right. Dad will make you see him, and if Mr Andrews is willing to get involved, then this guy obviously is no good. He’ll fuck with your head if you let him.”

“So what should I do?”

“Just agree with whatever he says and tell him what he wants to hear. Then do the same with dad. He’ll accept whatever you say because he’s never been comfortable dealing with issues like this. He can’t.”

“I know he can’t. But he should be able to.”

“But he won’t. You're not in this shit because you lied to him, Robbie. You’re in it because you didn’t lie to him. If it makes you feel any better, it’s dad who needs the counselling sessions, not you.”

I agreed with her summary, but knowing that the person with the most say over my life for the next two years was mentally unhinged, didn’t make me feel any better. It just made things worse.

A lot was going through my mind. Too much for me to be able to sleep. I could have done without Mr Andrews phone call; all it did was put more pressure on my already overloaded brain. I was dreading Don’s reaction when he found out. He would think I was colluding with the principal behind his back, and I knew only too well how Don reacts when cornered.

‘Nicola was right, it would be a lot easier for me if I just fell into line and stopped fighting’.

I was close to throwing in the towel. I felt worn out and no longer had the energy to oppose them. Especially after losing my most important ally.

Despite everything Tom told me, and almost indisputable evidence to suggest Nathan was trying to cheat on me with just about everyone he could lay his hands on. I still missed him like crazy.

I was asleep on the couch upstairs when a concerned Daniel woke me. It was four in the morning, and I must have crashed after sitting up for most of the night.

“Robbie. What are you doing up here? Why aren’t you in bed?” I was cold, reaching for a cover that wasn’t there before realising where I was.

“I couldn’t sleep.”

“But I just woke you up. You should go back to bed.”

“I’ll be okay.”

“Whatever, dude. It’s your life.” He turned his back on me, but as he walked to the stairs, I called him back.

“Did Nathan ask after me when you were at his house?”

He took a deep breath and held his head. “What did you say?”

“Did Nathan ask about me?” It seemed like a perfectly natural question to answer. I couldn’t understand why he was having so much trouble with it.

“It’s four in the morning. What’s up with you?”

“I just wanted to know.”

“Of course he did. Are you satisfied now?”

“Yes. No. I’m not sure.”

Daniel yawned, crossed his arms and rubbed his forearms. “It’s cold up here. Can we talk about this another time? During the day maybe, when I’m not so tired.”

“You didn’t mention it, that’s all.”

He thought about it for a while. It was four days ago when he visited Nathan at Thanksgiving.

“Has it been bothering you all this time?”

“Yes, and other things.”

“I’m going back to bed,” he said. “You can stay up here if you want. You don’t have to go to school.”

I was cold too, but my pyjamas were probably warmer than his boxer shorts, so I followed him to the bedroom and sat at his desk as he climbed into bed.

It looked as if he was going to go to sleep. Then he opened his eyes and stared as I spun around in his chair, making myself dizzy.

“I’m confused here,” he said. “I thought it was you who dumped him.”

“Dumped?”

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to call it, but you know what I mean. That was the impression I got from Nathan.”

Now, I was confused. “Does it really matter?”

“Don’t ask me, I’ve never had a girlfriend or boyfriend for that matter. I don’t know how it works, but if it helps then, Nathan did ask about you. He always asks about you whenever we talk.”

I stopped spinning to face him almost expecting him to be laughing but he was dead serious.

“Honestly?”

“Yes, I’m not lying.”

“What did he say?”

“Geez, Robbie. I gotta get up for school in like three hours from now. I can’t remember everything he said, and I don’t even know if I should be telling you this.”

“You have to, Daniel.” I stood up and pleaded with him. “Tell me what he said.” I was ready to beg him if necessary.

“Shush, you’ll wake everybody up. If it’s been bugging you, why didn’t you say something before now? You’ve hardly talked to me all week.”

“It hasn’t been bugging me.”

“Yeah, right. Well, I guess you know he didn’t take it too well. You walking out on him, or whatever you did. He was pretty upset about the whole thing.”

“I didn’t know that.”

Daniel looked like he didn’t believe me.

“Well, he was. You hurt him.”

“But I didn’t do anything.”

“Robbie, you just walked out on him. You didn’t call him or give him any reason. How did you expect him to feel?” Daniel sounded upset with me. It was clear whose side he was taking.

“It wasn’t quite like that, Daniel. He had been ....”

My brother put his hands over his ears to stop me. “I don’t wanna know, Robbie. I get there are two sides to an argument, but I don’t wanna get involved. I told him the same thing. You have to sort it out between you. It’s not fair. I don’t wanna see either of you hurt so I won't take sides.”

I shrugged and leaned back in his chair. It didn’t sound to me like he was being impartial.

“What did he say, when he asked about me? On Thanksgiving.”

“Shit, man. Will you not leave me alone? He just wanted to know what happened at school and why you hit that guy. He knows him, he’s in a few classes with him.”

“Well, he must know the guys a dick. He wasn't exactly complimentary about Nathan.”

“I dunno, man. I just told him what you told me. Nathan was asking because he was concerned about you, that’s all. He’s worried, but he’s still got his dignity.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“He doesn’t want you to think he’s upset. He wants to give the impression he doesn’t care. I’ve said too much, man. Don’t go repeating what I just said.” He rolled onto his side and pulled the sheet up to his head. “Goodnight.”

‘Maybe I did read it wrong. Does Nathan still want me’?

The thought of hurting him like that upset me and pretty much made it impossible to get any more sleep that night. I sat at my computer and tried to write an email, but I couldn’t find the right words to express myself.

Eventually, I climbed into bed just as Daniel’s alarm sounded and then pretended to be asleep while he dragged himself out of bed and stumbled to the shower. He must have been cursing me but I don’t remember him coming back.

*     *     *

It was nearly ten when I woke and jumped out of bed with a heavy head and an even heavier heart.

“Daniel told me you were up for most of the night,” said Sue. “So I thought I would let you sleep. How are you feeling?”

I sat at the table, resting my head on my arms. “Not good.”

“Well, I have some good news for you. You don’t have to go to the school today. There’s been a change of plan. Mr Symmonds will be coming here to see you instead. So you can stay indoors.”

“I thought you said it was good news?”

“Give him a chance, Robbie. He’s coming here to help you.”

‘I doubt it’.

“I’ll be at work so you’ll have the house to yourselves. No one will be able to listen in.”

“What am I supposed to say to him?”

“There’s nothing to be nervous about. He’ll wanna know what’s bothering you. Just be honest with him. Whatever you tell him is confidential.” She ruffled my hair and put a breakfast bowl in front of me. “You’ll feel much better afterwards.”

It sounded as if she trusted this guy, but I didn’t like the idea of being in the house alone with him. For some reason that spooked me.

After Sue left for work, I had two hours to prepare myself. She had kindly given me the day off from the list of jobs I was supposed to do so tried to relax by lying on my bed and listening to dance music.

It didn’t work, and I was forced to turn to porn.

Hidden in my desk drawer was a USB stick, which Nathan had given to me in the summer. In a folder cleverly named Carry On Up the Khyber, after one of my favourite British comedy films, was a small selection of gay porn videos.

I was always complaining about Don’s draconian internet controls which all but rendered the world wide web useless for anyone over the age of twelve. Nathan didn’t like the idea of me jerking off without him, but a guy who was never without access to porn could hardly complain. He agreed to copy a few random clips from his collection of favourites with instructions only to watch them in cases of extreme emergency.

Sadly, the action on screen didn’t live up to Nathan’s superlative billing, and despite several such cases of extreme emergency over the last couple of days, the movies failed to grab my attention.

Naturally, there were heavily biased towards my ex-boyfriend’s warped fantasies, and most of them featured three guys. No doubt a deliberate attempt to wet my appetite at a time when he had been trying to persuade me to indulge in three-way sex.

‘I can’t believe he wanted me to ask Tom’.

In one of the videos, two boys who looked only slightly older than me were shoving their dicks into a more than willing accomplice. He seemed to be enjoying himself, and maybe I would have done too if I hadn’t been such a prude.

I was convinced my less than enthusiastic response to his proposal was one of the reasons why he seemed to lose interest in me.

‘Maybe if I had been a little more accommodating things would’ve worked out better’.

I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to see action on both fronts at the same time, but maybe I shouldn’t have been so dismissive.

That option was no longer available, and I wondered if Nathan had found anyone more aligned to his needs than me. This was the bit which I found difficult to cope with. The thought of him having sexual relations with someone else made me feel physically sick. I couldn’t even contemplate such an act. Yet if I believed what Tom said it was already too late. Every time I thought about it though I just couldn’t picture Nathan with Alex.

The boys in the video were beating their dicks furiously to reach a climax, which in the end wasn’t really worth the effort. I guess it’s not easy doing it on camera with people watching.

There was one video left to watch, and the title intrigued me. For your eyes only sounded like it could be a James Bond spoof, so I clicked on play and sat back in my chair.

‘You gotta be kidding me’!

Instead of Bond, it was Nathan who filled the screen. He was sitting on his bed in a pair of spandex cycling shorts, and a skin-tight top. All in black, with a white baseball cap. He looked ridiculous but as sexy as I had ever seen him.

“No fucking way!” It looked as if the video was filmed a couple of months back before he cut his hair, but he hadn’t mentioned it to me. It was obviously meant to be a surprise.

“Hey, Robbie. If you're watching this, you're probably jerking off? I wish I were there to watch, or better still, I wish you were here, so you could please me. I’m feeling so horny right now.”

Despite the title, I wasn’t sure if I should be watching it after breaking up with him. It felt as if I was intruding into his personal life, a space where I was no longer welcome. I wanted to switch it off and wipe the drive clean, but there was more chance of me stepping in rocking horse shit.

“Do you wanna see how horny I am, Robbie?”

“YES!”

‘What am I doing’?

I was glued to the screen watching him strip and waited eagerly for him to reveal something I had seen more times than all the Bond movies put together.

Nathan had the most perfect penis. It didn’t matter if it was hard, soft, or somewhere in the middle, it was a work of art. A true masterpiece of penile engineering. Perfectly toned and responsive to the slightest of touches. His supple, velvet-like glans, seemingly moulded for my tongue and his size ideally suited for every application. I was hardly a connoisseur, but it was difficult for me to imagine how it could have been improved.

Not that it mattered anymore. I was convinced it would never see the light of day in my presence again.

I was impressed by Nathan’s so far, flawless display in front of the camera. He left nothing to the imagination, introducing some colourful and rather shapely toys into the action and quickly working himself into a frenzy.

His video was better than all the previous clips put together, and they were supposed to be paid performers. On this evidence, if Nathan’s acting career ever turned sour then, without doubt, he had a lucrative future waiting for him in the porn industry.

His finale was equally impressive and for the first time ever, in an extraordinarily skillful act of synchronisation, we managed to finish at precisely the same time. Admittedly, his was pre-recorded, but it was an achievement nevertheless and one which had always eluded us in the past.

My ex-lover did an excellent job without inhibition, and I wanted to thank him, but I wasn’t sure how he would react. I wondered if it was normal behaviour for people to masturbate while watching videos of their ex-partners jerking off. I didn’t want to send him the wrong message, so I decided to keep it a secret.

Still tired from the lack of sleep and lost in a post-orgasmic state, I must have fallen asleep in the chair only to be startled by the doorbell.

When I looked at my watch, it was five minutes to one.

The doorbell rang again before I realised who it was.

“Shit!”

‘He’s here already. Mr Symmonds’.

I pulled up on my jeans and dragged a t-shirt over my head, but my arm went through the wrong hole, and my jeans fell to my ankles tripping me up. I fell to the floor, fighting to free myself and doing a credible impersonation of Houdini.

The doorbell rang again, and I shouted at him to wait. It would have been quicker if I had taken my time, but I was being driven into a panic by his continuous repetitive use of the doorbell. I was ready to scream at this moron as the bell rang again while I fastened my jeans and then again as I ran upstairs.

‘One more time and I gonna fucking lose it’!

As I threw open the front door, he rang it again. I wanted to hit him, and I might have done so had he not been so big. I was staring at his chest, his head was somewhere up in the clouds with a smarmy, unconvincing smile.

“Are you Robert Taylor?” He reached out his hand, and I instinctively shook it. “I’m Mr Symmonds.”

“Yes, I know. You had better come in before you break the doorbell.” I wiped my hand on my jeans and moved aside to allow him in. “You can go on through.” I pointed to the living room before seeing my reflection in the mirror.

My hair was standing on end, I was red-faced, sweaty, barefoot, and my t-shirt was back to front.

“I thought you might have gone out.”

‘Yeah, that’s why you were ringing the fuck out of the doorbell’.

“No, I was just in the basement. Lifting some weights.”

He smiled, but there was no way he bought my ridiculous excuse.

‘Who works out in jeans’?

My clothes suggested wanking. That would have been my conclusion. A teenage boy indoors on his own, with time to kill. What else would I be doing?

Whatever he made of my somewhat dishevelled appearance he kept it to himself as I followed him into the living room.

He was younger than I expected maybe in his forties, with a square rugged face and tall enough to be a basketball player.

“Is there anyone else at home, Robert.” I didn’t like the way he said that. It would have been obvious to anyone; I was there on my own.

“No, just me and my name’s Robbie.”

He had a brief look around and decided the living room wasn’t suitable. “Your father said we could use his study.”

I didn’t want to use the study. It was too small and made me claustrophobic. It was also the place where Don verbally attacked me when he discovered I was seeing Nathan. After that experience, I always felt intimidated in that room and tried to avoid going in there.

As expected, he insisted on using it for my counselling session, which immediately put me on the defensive. The small room made him look even bigger and more imposing than he was, and I wondered if it was all part of his repertoire. A well-calculated plan to make me feel inferior. He sat behind Don’s desk and smiled at me.

“You should try to relax. I’m very friendly.”

He didn’t look friendly, and there was no way I was going to be able to relax. “I’ll try.”

“I hear you're going through a bit of a difficult time. Do you want to tell me about it?”

“No.”

“He chuckled. Okay, I understand. You’ve never met me before. I don’t blame you for not wanting to talk to me. We can sit here for a while if you prefer or talk about something else. Do you follow sport, Robbie?”

“No, I hate sport.”

“You're not gonna make it easy for me are you?”

“No.”

“I thought you may follow soccer or is it football you call it? Maybe Arsenal, I heard they were pretty good?”

“No, they’re shit.”

“I’ve been talking to your dad. He told me a bit about you.”

“Really, you did well. He’s been dead for almost six years.”

“I wasn’t talking about your natural father, Robbie. Anyway, he told me you used to be a swimmer. Competition level.”

“A long time ago.”

“What made you stop?”

“Moving to Canada.”

“Really, why? We need swimmers. It’s a shame to do all that hard work for nothing.”

“I don’t have the time anymore.”

“Yeah, I get that. Allocating the time is the most difficult part when you're at high school. It’s not easy to find the right balance between schoolwork, family life, and sporting ambition. I couldn’t do it.”

I wasn’t sure where this was going, but I was happy to talk sport with him for as long as he wanted.

“I was thinking of trying out for the swim team at Stephenson,” I said. “Now I have more time.”

“It’s good to set yourself goals in life, Robbie and sport tends to bring out the best in people. It gives you a sense of belonging, being part of a team. That’s important. It makes you feel wanted and gives you confidence. The same applies to families. You probably know the importance of families more than most. It’s been tough for you I bet. Growing up without a dad.”

“I didn’t need one.”

“I think that’s what you wanna believe. But it’s not true. Both parents are important, just like sport, you have to have the right balance and you were denied this. I can understand why you feel so angry.”

“I don’t feel angry.”

“I heard you’ve been suspended from school for punching a fellow student. You must have been angry then.”

“He deserved it.”

“Why?”

This guy had definitely done his homework. Don would have told him everything. There was little point in stalling anymore.

“He asked me if I wanted to suck his dick.”

“Why would he ask you to do that, Robbie?”

“I dunno. Maybe he’s gay.”

He focused his eyes on me and pulled a notebook from his bag. “I’m not sticking up for the boy. It’s not a nice thing to say to someone. I can understand your anger to a certain extent. No one wants to be accused of being a homosexual, do they?”

I refused to answer or to allow him to intimidate me with his beady eyes.

“You’ve spoken to Don, I’m sure he told you everything about me. can we stop playing games?”

“Your father told me you were confused about your sexuality.”

“HE’S NOT MY FATHER, OKAY?”

He stopped to take some notes. “Would you prefer it if I called him Don?”

“I would prefer it if we didn’t talk about him at all.”

“I see. Why is that?”

“Because I don’t like him. And before you ask why. It’s because he hates me.”

“Why do you think he hates you, Robbie?”

“You’d better ask him that.”

“I don’t think he hates you. Why would he adopt someone he hated? You look well-fed, nice clothes, kind of.”

‘Cheeky fucker’.

‘You have a nice house. I bet you’ve got a nice bedroom.”

I stared at him.

‘He’s a paedophile’.

He stood up to take off his jacket, and I panicked.

“What are you doing?” I was halfway off my seat and ready to run out the door.

“It’s a little warm in here, you don’t mind if I make myself comfortable.”

“No.”

“That’s your favourite answer, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” I said and smiled at him.

“That’s better, you look better when you're smiling. Now, what is it that’s confusing you about your sexuality?”

“I’m not confused.”

“Your… Don seems to think you are.”

“That’s because he’s homophobic.”

“I see. What makes you think you're homosexual then Robbie?”

“I like having sex with boys.”

“There’s no need to talk like that, Robbie. I think you're better than that.”

“It’s the truth.”

“It’s what you believe to be the truth.”

“I know it’s the truth.”

“Don told me you had a girlfriend.”

I was wondering how long it would take him to bring that up. It was one of Don’s favourites.

“No, I’ve never had a girlfriend. He must be lying.”

“Why would he do that, Robbie?”

“I told you, he hates me.”

He sat back in his chair and studied my face clicking his pen, while I tried to remain poker-faced.

“I don’t think Don was lying. So are you going to tell me about your girlfriend.”

“I don’t have a girlfriend. Just friends who are girls.”

A good five minutes passed without a single exchange of words, and I was beginning to think it was over. He scribbled some notes in his book, but I couldn’t see what he was writing. Then he cleared his throat and continued.

“Have you had any spiritual guidance, Robbie?”

I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

‘I should’ve realised he was a bible basher’.

“No, Don and Sue don’t believe in it.”

“Who told you that?”

“They did.”

“That’s nonsense. They’re Christians.”

“No, they're not. They never go to church.”

“They believe.”

“They don’t.”

“I don’t think you're very fair to your adopted parents. They wouldn’t like to know what you’ve been saying about them.”

“They won't though will they? You can’t repeat anything I tell you. I was told this is confidential.”

“You think you're smart, kid, don’t you? I don’t wanna be here any more than you do. I don’t like having to deal with assholes like you, because as far as I’m concerned, you're not worth trying to save.”

I was shaken up by his change of tone. Maybe I had overstepped the mark slightly. Whatever I did, I was pretty sure I had gotten to him.

He reached into his bag and pulled out a couple of illustrated books with perfect people on the front and handed them to me. I suppose Don had to get something for his money.

“Read these, and we’ll talk about them during my next visit.” I picked them up and casually looked at the covers as he stood up and put on his jacket.

“I don’t want there to be a next time.”

“Well, you don’t have much of a say in it!”

I followed him out of the study and opened the front door for him to leave.

“Don needs to teach you some manners.” He leaned towards me making me flinch. “I’d teach you, alright.”

“Whatever. Bye.” The moment he cleared the door I pushed it shut behind him.

He scared me.

‘What an asshole’.