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18 Weeks of Twoey - 116. Week Seventeen Thursday, December 25, 2014: Clarity
Warning: While not explicit, there are thoughts of suicide.
Perfect clarity would profit the intellect but damage the will
Blaise Pascal
***
Tommy
He looked as green as peas and Christmas wreaths. My brother did not seem to have slept much either. I thought I had heard someone puking in the middle of the night. Now I knew it wasn’t a dream, it was him. I wondered if maybe he was coming down with something.
It was Christmas Day, my favorite day of the year! Dad was in a rare mood, telling jokes which had us all laughing around the breakfast table. Everybody was laughing except for David, who sipped coffee and seemed to be somewhere else. Liz was here, without Greg for once. She didn’t look pregnant to me. Aren’t pregnant girls supposed to be sick in the morning or something? Maybe it was David who was pregnant ...hehe. Anyway, Aunt Sarah outdid herself with breakfast, being Christmas, I guess. Except for moody-mookboy, everyone was having fun and digging in.
After breakfast, which he did not eat, we were all hanging around the tree for gift exchanges. It was all the usual stuff; funny shirts, a watch, CDs. But David’s gifts were different, for the first time ever.
He gave Aunt Sarah a book, From Julia Child’s Kitchen and she beamed like it really meant something to her ...but I sure didn’t know what or why.
He gave Dad two tickets to a Syracuse basketball game for the middle of February. At least I could understand why that made my dad smile. I smiled too, until David said he chose that game because it was against Louisville.
“You know, that’s Tommy’s favorite team. You can bond with your son.”
Everyone laughed, but that sentence just sounded a little off to me. It was almost like he was excluding himself from needing bonding, or being Dad’s son, or even being here in February. I know, a while ago, he was worried about being sent to a crazy farm, but I thought he was over all that stupid crap.
I was almost afraid to unwrap his present for me, but it was awesomeazing! The box contained a slinky white V-neck sweater and a shell necklace, just like the one he had – only it was red. He smiled and I knew exactly why he gave that to me! Barbara was going to wet her panties when she saw me wearing them at one of the parties. I hugged my big brother, who was starting to thaw out a little.
Then he produced the biggest surprise of all. He gave my sister a beautiful, but dainty necklace. It was a thin gold chain. On it hung a small sapphire in a simple setting. He said, “Something blue,” and he kissed her. I had no frickin’ idea what that even meant, but it hadda mean something, because Liz teared up.
That was Christmas morning at my house. Aside from the present-exchanging, my brother looked sad.
My brother was sad.
It was clear to me that something was very wrong with my brother.
And then he said he wouldn’t be here to have Christmas dinner with us.
WTF
David
I woke up at the regular time, which meant I didn’t get much sleep. I vaguely remembered another dream of me and Twoey. I couldn’t understand why I was having these dreams with Twoey in them. Unfortunately, during my shower, more of the dream came back to me. Donny, Twoey and I were out in a desolate field on a slightly foggy morning. We were all dressed in eighteenth-century clothing. I even was wearing a black top hat of some kind. I opened the case I was carrying to discover it contained two old-fashioned pistols. That was the moment I realized Twoey and Donny were about to have a duel! Donny selected his pistol first, which confirmed that Twoey must have challenged him. They then each paced off ten steps in opposite directions. I produced a white hanky and waved it, counting down from three, and then shouted, “Fire!” Both bullets struck me in the head, producing a serious headache. The headache was real though, not a dream, and almost knocked me off my feet. I quickly finished showering and dried off. The headache was worse, and almost made me sick again.
After not eating breakfast with them this morning and then the gift exchanges, I bundled up and took a walk to the lake. It was cool, but not all that cold today. The sun seemed to warm things up a bit, even though it was pretty low in the sky at this time of year. I needed to think. I had explained to Aunt Sarah that I would be at Twoey’s for dinner. I knew Greg and Liz and all the rest of them wouldn’t miss me at the dinner at our house. I didn’t want to sit in my room on Christmas Day, waiting to go to Twoey’s. I certainly had no intention of sitting around, talking to those people in my house either. And so I decided to do a little thinking of my own, down at the lake ...my lake.
There was a knot in the pit of my stomach. There was a black fog in my head and I felt that major headache throbbing. Crap!
I didn't know what to do.
I had no idea what to do.
I walked down to the shore and then across to the place Danny used to go when he was feeling sad. I thought it was very appropriate for me to be there . For some reason, I felt a mystifying connection with Danny today. Standing over by the rocks, I felt as helpless as the dead branch in front of me, being tossed against the shore by the waves. The old pier was being thrashed by the same waves. Exposed before me, were the cold waves in my gray lake on a sunny day. The irony was not lost on me. I was smart – remember?
So fucking smart, I played myself into a no-win game.
So fucking smart, I entirely lost control of my life.
So fucking smart, I was actually hiding from myself.
So fucking smart!
The more I thought about my friends, the more questions I had.
How would Gary treat me if I told him was gay? I know he’d say it was fine with him. He wouldn’t be like Mike had been when Twoey came out to him. But things wouldn’t be the same. ‘We’ wouldn’t be the same. We certainly wouldn’t think on the same wavelength anymore. We wouldn’t come to each other with our problems. We would never be like the brothers we were now, ever again.
Could I live with that?
How would Nels react? He was never so comfortable with me as when it was Gary and Mel, Nels and Lauri, David and Alex. Nels was clearly stuck in a vision of all of us with wives and kids, living on the same block. He was so straight he had like a pole sticking up his back! I think I would lose Nels. I know I would lose Nels.
Could I live with that?
How would Sam react? I remembered how he talked about the shooting, when he found out Danny and Twoey were naked. Wasn’t there a level of disapproval there? Was Sam actually homophobic? Was that why he was so hostile if anyone called him EMO? I didn’t think Sam would take my news very well at all. Sam was my mental fixer-upper. Whenever I had a problem, he sensed it and helped me deal with it. I would lose all that. I would lose that very important support. Sam had always been my most important support – my closest friend. I would lose Sam. There was not a doubt in my mind.
Could I live with that?
And Tommy – Especially Tommy! His father would not like my being gay, but I could avoid him. I mean, when Tommy’s mother was crazy I avoided her easily enough – but Tommy?
I remembered the times Tommy thought boys were hitting on me. First it was Twoey, then little Mark, and lastly, Donny. I remembered how badly Tommy reacted. I was coming to realize Tommy wouldn’t accept a gay brother. He might say he would, but things would be different. Actually, he might not say he would. Tommy appeared to be pretty anti-gay.
Could I live without Tommy’s love?
I started to get angry at Twoey again. He started it all.
Why didn’t he stay in Syracuse? Why did he look at me in that way, with those hypnotic eyes, back in September? What would my life have been like, had he decided to not move here? And then I considered what he had done! He fooled around with Danny, when we warned him not to, and now Danny was dead. He fooled around with Erik and now nobody likes Erik.
I began to grasp that Twoey was dangerous.
Twoey started the kissing thing too. I never would have even considered kissing a boy until Twoey started it.
Could I hate Twoey and still be magnetically attracted to him?
Then there was Randy. I started to get angry with Randy. He kissed me too.
I might have dismissed the Twoey kisses, but with Randy, there were now two boys I had kissed. It wasn’t so easy to dismiss anymore, was it David?
Why didn’t Randy keep his kisses to himself?
Then there was Donny. I started to get angry with Donny. He made it three boys I’d kissed. And it was far worse with Donny.
Why did he seduce me? He kissed me, taught be to give blowjobs and even made me fuck him! That was the final straw. I had fucked a boy! And it was all Donny’s fault. Why did Gary ever introduce me to him in the first place?
I should have been angry with Gary too.
At the thought of fucking Donny, my head began throbbing. No, really physically throbbing. It hurt!
And so I stood there, by the lake, in the faint rays of the warming sun, becoming more and more angry with the friends who were ruining my life – who were fucking with me and ruining my life! I thought maybe I should live without all of them. Get them right out of my life. Flush them all away! I checked my phone and was surprised how long I had been down there, feeling sorry for myself.
That’s when I had a moment of clarity.
I looked at myself from the outside and it all became crystal clear.
I began to get embarrassed. I was blaming everyone else for my own actions. I realized I was being a fool, but I still had this feeling of dread. The outcome of my worries was probably more true than false. It was just that I needed to put the blame squarely where it belonged, on me. I also began to realize that I was not a very nice person.
I had always thought I was a good person. I thought I had felt compassion for my friends; that I would do anything for them. But it was becoming increasingly clear to me that I was selfish. I had become unbelievably, self-centeredly, egocentrically, disgustingly selfish!
I also saw it was time to leave for Twoey’s. After tomorrow, I would be alone. All of what was now becoming evident to me would be the basis for the evaluations I needed to make when I was alone. I would finally have the time and space to think and make some serious decisions, one of which was ever becoming depressingly plain. And so, with some reluctance, I left my lake – one of the few places where I was welcomed.
When Ginny answered the door, I realized this was another place where I was welcomed. After removing my coat, she hugged me, and then started rubbing my arms.
“David, you’re frigid! Where have you been?”
I noticed Twoey walking down the stairs. “I’ve been down to the lake.”
“How long were you there?”
“About four hours, or so.”
“No wonder you’re so cold! Come over by the fire.” She directed me into the living room and toward the fireplace, which looked toasty hot. That’s when Twoey spoke.
“Please tell me you weren’t sitting down there, all alone and thinking.”
“No I wasn’t. I was standing.”
“I’ll take care of him, Mom.” Twoey shooed his mother back into the kitchen as he began rubbing each of my hands, then placed them in his armpits to warm them. We stood like that, facing each other, for more than a minute. He had an inscrutable look on his face. But Twoey exuded a softness of nature.
“Here, sit next to me on the sofa and I’ll rub your back and arms.”
I felt like a baby, being told what to do, but enjoying it. Feeling Twoey physically connecting with parts of my body was satisfying.
“OK, what’s bothering you? I can tell something’s wrong.”
“I’m beginning to realize I don’t like myself very much.”
“Why not? What happened?”
“Life happened. I haven’t responded well to it.”
“Do you mean about the sexual abuse?”
“Maybe it was the abuse that got the ball rolling. But it’s going downhill so fast now, I’m not sure I can stop it. I really don’t know what to do anymore.” I think my eyes were starting to fill up.
“What did your therapist say?”
“He said goodbye. He decided to abandon me and go to Europe.”
“How about your family – your father? Certainly he would help you. What did he say?”
“He decided to abandon me too, and go to New York.”
“Your Aunt?”
“She’s off to New York too, also Liz.”
“Are they crazy? They left you all alone?!”
“Not yet. They all leave tomorrow.”
“For how long?”
“Until after New Years.”
“Move in here with me for the week!”
“Who’s moving where?” Ginny had walked into the room.
“David’s going to be alone for a week. I invited him to stay here.”
“Of course you can, David. Keep Twoey company; he’ll be alone for a few days, too. In fact, my departure date was moved up to tomorrow.”
“No, I have to watch Tommy. He’s my responsibility.”
Twoey answered. “Well, knowing Tommy, he won’t be home much. At least come over here in the daytime.”
“That might be possible. Maybe I’ll do that.”
Ginny enlisted us to set the table, and soon we were eating Christmas dinner, which was a pretty circle of bones sticking out of meat. She called it a crown roast of lamb, and it was very delicious. Conversation was varied, but I could see Twoey trying to pull it toward the direction of my sessions with Dr. Keating. In a flash, I realized why. He wanted me to tell Ginny about my abuse. That awareness also told me he hadn’t told her. Gosh, he was such a good friend. He knew he wasn’t the one to tell her. At that moment, I understood Twoey would never talk about me behind my back. He didn’t know she already knew, and of course, she wouldn’t tell him. It became clear that maybe I should talk to Ginny. She might give me better help than Keating ever could. But it was not the topic for Christmas dinner, so I steered the conversation toward her instead.
“Twoey said you were going to be on a book tour. Where will you be off to?”
“As I said, I leave tomorrow. It starts in Albany. After a few days there, at different locations, the next stop will be Boston. After a few days there, it will be all finished. I’ll return home before school begins.”
“I might want to talk to you when you’re back. The trouble is, I’m scheduled for the repressed-memory clinic that week.”
“Talk to me as soon as you’ve returned. You'll probably have a lot of issues to work out, and you might even have regained some or all of your memories by then.”
The rest of the dinner conversation was about lighter stuff. During the meal, Twoey did a lot of looking at me. It was almost the same as Thanksgiving dinner, when we couldn’t keep our eyes off each other. This time, though, he was right across the table from me, instead of way on the other end. And yes, I did my share of looking and blushing too.
After dinner, Twoey and I helped clear everything away. Finally, when the dishwasher was running and Ginny was in her office, Twoey and I sat next to each other on the sofa. It was pleasant sitting there, next to Twoey, hearing the crackling of the fire, feeling the pull of the one I didn’t deserve. I felt so unworthy of the love I knew he had for me. Twoey did not need me and my basket of troubles and woes. He had just escaped from one bad relationship and shouldn’t be thrust into another. I just had to find a way to enjoy his nearness one last time. And so I sat in his presence and absorbed his warm feelings, like a lizard, absorbing the sun on a rock.
I grabbed the remote, turned on the TV and found Ralphie and his BB-gun somewhere. We watched, but it was the physical closeness of our bodies and the emotional closeness of our minds that were the only things which counted for me that evening. Twoey was my soulmate; there was no question about it. But now I’d fucked it all up by giving into Donny. While trying to walk that fine line, I had fallen off. It was just like the parallel bars in gym. I fell off and directly onto my armpit. Now I had fallen off that fine line, but I was the armpit! As the evening wore on, I became increasingly sadder as the clarity of what was inevitable settled over me. Finally, I could take it no more. As soon as Ralphie was over, I told them I needed to go home. Ginny was back in the living room by then.
They both walked me to the door. I gave Ginny a loving hug. In the unlikely event I was still around for the New Year, maybe I’d make her my mother. At least I wouldn’t be an orphan anymore. She left Twoey and me alone.
I stood before Twoey once again. Then I hugged him tightly, wishing him a Merry Christmas. I broke the hug and stepped back a little, but did not let go of his arms. I thought, what was this game I was playing? And so, I surrendered to my urges and kissed him. I really kissed Twoey. It was a kiss that exposed the fact I loved him. He couldn’t have missed it. Again, I did the only thing my mind would allow me to do. I ran away. Just as I did when I first met him, I ran home.
The clarity, realizing the conflict in my mind between Twoey, who I wanted but had betrayed, and Donny, who I sort of had but despised, was beginning to unravel me. It was why my body was reacting poorly. It was why I was shaking and feeling nauseous. How could this end? Where was it headed? Where was I headed?
It was becoming increasingly evident there was no happy ending for David. I had created a world where simply by being in it, I was hurting everyone I knew.
As I got into bed the splitting headache returned. I became angry with myself as the weight of it all smothered me.
I went to bed angry tonight – angry with myself.
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