300 Letters - 10. Letter 9

11.09.2015

Dear C,

It’s 4.12 in the morning and I have just woken up here. I think I must have slept since my last letter. I know they brought me some food here, but I can’t remember eating it. I have noticed some documents they gave me to read and sign, but I had no energy to go through them yet.

C, I never wanted to tell you about this, but now as you don't care about me anymore - I can write.

I was raped.

It happened to me on the 21st of August...It was the day they moved me to somebody else’s cell, so they could fix the toilet in my cell - they had to seal it off or something.

The guy who did that to me will never see outside of the prison walls. He is serving his life sentence, so he doesn’t care. I said ‘’hello’’ as I walked in and he immediately told me to shut up. So I stayed quiet. I climbed the bank bed and just wanted to sleep.

He told me that if I make any noises twisting and turning - he is going to kill me. I just replied that I would be quiet. I laid down and tried not to move at all.

I fell asleep and it was already dark when I suddenly felt this piercing pain in my head. He grabbed me and threw me onto the floor…

He started kicking me and said that if I screamed he would kill me before anyone comes up to help me. So I stayed quiet as I knew I had to be alive for you…

Now I regret I never screamed...

He was kicking me so hard that I thought I would pass out. Then he pulled my prison trousers down and raped me.

I don’t remember much of it anymore now. I know I never screamed, I just cried quietly. I cried and kept begging God to save me, to let me survive this - so we can be together again one day.

When he was raping me I kept trying to rewind my life and to focus on all those days we spent together. He was hitting my head with a rolled newspaper and kept burning my back with his cigarettes. Luckily I had a prison t-shirt on, so the burn didn’t hurt that much…

When he finished, he laughed at me and called me names. He then went to bed and told me to stay on the floor. He warned me that if I open my mouth to anyone about this – I would never leave this prison alive.

I cried and agreed.

I crawled to the corner of the cell and sat on the floor next to the toilet. I was shaking, my whole body hurt. I cried so much, but I knew I had to be strong for you. He got up once at night and hit me in my face and told me to be quiet.

I never slept that night – I was too scared. I was numb.

When the morning light broke through I saw the blood stains on the floor where he raped me. I had blood on my legs and hands. One of my teeth was loose too – it hurt like hell. I don’t remember much from the next day. They moved me back to my cell in the late afternoon.

I went downstairs to call you and your number was finally registered…! The phone was ringing!!!

For a moment I forgot about the pain, the rape, the beatings – because I knew I would hear your voice…

And then, when you said ‘’hello’’ I knew something was wrong…

I cannot remember much of that conversation anymore, but I remember when you told me you were leaving me…I know that I must have begged you not to leave me, that I needed you so much…

Then my credit run out…

I came back to my cell and cut my wrists with that stupid plastic knife. But I couldn’t even do that properly, because these knives are really thick… I guess someone must have seen me doing this and called the guards. I don’t remember much after that, I woke up in a different cell with a different door.

I have been here since.

I am very dizzy, not knowing what’s going on… I don’t even know whether you have really left me or not…

Or am I actually dead? Or is it just one of those weird, terrifying dreams? I have been having those horrible nightmares lately…

And if I’m alive – why???

If there is God or whatever there might be, why am I being tortured so much? Why everyone I loved abounded me? Why did I have to lose everything and everyone that I have loved…What is the point of all of this?

God, please talk to me...! Please give me some kind of sign, because I can’t go on anymore.

Being alive hurts me so much.

Please just let me die.