300 Letters - 39. Letter 38 (To Survive The Night)

9.12.2015

Dear C,

This is my 38th letter to you and the number 38 has been good to me.

I have been seeing it around me from time to time and each time I see it I feel at peace. I have no idea why, but it is the fact.

And even now, when I am writing this 38th letter to you – I feel weirdly calm.

Nights are becoming my nightmares here.

I visited my beach again. I was there alone and it was very cold. Again, I was floating in the air just above the sand, sometimes so close to the ground – I could feel the grains of sand hitting my face. The sand was very warm, but the air was freezing cold. I saw the lighthouse in the far distance too. Above that lighthouse, the sky was purple and yellow. Sometimes it turned green.

There were people going inside the lighthouse, but I couldn’t see who they were. Then I realised it was you. You in so many different clothes, different haircuts
.I was trying hard to make my way to catch you there, but I couldn’t move. And a part of me, something in my head was telling me that I shouldn’t go to that lighthouse.

Then I saw a man dressed in black running across the beach towards the sea. The sky turned dark, but where he ran – the spotlight lightened up the ground. He wore a massive black hat. He never looked at me, but I could sense he knew I was there watching him. When he finally reached the shore, he exploded.

And I woke up.

I was so confused C. I mean seriously, I was transferred to a different world during that dream. Like a different dimension. I do not know what all this means. The lighthouse, the beach, the skies in multiple colours.I don’t understand this. But for the first time, I saw you there. And that threw me off the track even more.

Two nights ago I relived another nightmare in my dream. I was raped again, by the same man. This time here, in my cell. He appeared at night as I was sleeping. I couldn’t see his face, but I knew it was him as I saw the cigarette in his mouth. The orange light was glowing bright and the smoke was coming out of his mouth. He didn’t say anything just laughed and before I even managed to defend myself he was on top of me covering my body with his fists. I could taste the blood in my mouth and felt my teeth cracking.

I screamed.

I was screaming so loud that eventually, my cell neighbour started to bang against the wall.

That woke me up.

I was covered with sweat and I started to cry. I was paralysed with fear and I couldn’t move.

It was 2.44 in the morning. I was so scared of falling asleep again that I managed to stay awake till the morning light.

You know what I did to stay awake? I thought of all the moments we shared together. Our moments when we laughed till we cried, our escapades to the cinema, our favourite food, our Christmases and Easters. Our mornings in bed, our nights playing Wii games. Our watching of “Lost” and the tears we shared there. Our late nights at Starbucks in Wimbledon, our trip to Poland, you dancing at Depeche Mode concert in my hometown.

All of this helped me survive the night.

It was 5.30 in the morning, I made myself a cup of tea, then had some coffee and ate some porridge. And I survived another day.

Yesterday we had a bit of commotion here. Some young guy attacked another with a razor – all during the morning walk. I was not far away from them, but I didn’t see what exactly happened. All I know is that they were jumping to each other’s throws for some money debts. I think one of them owned the other some cans of tuna or something like this.

As pathetic as it sounds, here it’s a big deal. I still cannot get my head around it, but maybe I haven’t been inside long enough to understand it completely. And I hope I never will.

Anyway, the guy who was attacked was sent to a prison hospital and the attacker is in a seg (segregation unit). When you end up in a seg you automatically go on a basic level. And I think only after 3 months they can review whether you can go back on standard or not.

This afternoon we were locked up in our cells as the prison staff were on some training. I thought I would sleep a bit but I couldn’t. Instead, my mind was trying to comprehend what is happening to me, what is happening in my life. I do not understand any of that. I still cannot believe you are no longer with me. There have always been things in my life I was never sure about, but I always thought, I was always sure that we would always be together. How silly of me?

Anyway, I hope you are doing well C. I know practically nothing about your health now.

I was so, so fucking tempted to give you a call today, just to see how you feel. But I didn’t. I have to respect you and your decision – as per your wish. It hurts me deeply right here in my bruised and tired heart.

Let me finish here. It’s getting late and I will try to sleep. I just hope I will go back to my beach again. I don’t want to feel the pain when I sleep.

I love you.

Forever yours,

Sebastian