300 Letters - 36. Letter 35 (It was meant to be a great day)

1.12.2015

Dear C,

Today is the day when we were supposed to be at the O2 Arena watching Madonna’s concert. And look where we are now…

I remember how excited I was when I finally managed to get those tickets to see her! I so wanted to see your reaction and during the show – even more than the show itself.

Do you remember when we actually first met? We spent hours talking who’s the real queen of pop. You were trying to convince me it was Lady Gaga and obviously I was trying to convince you it was Madonna. This is why I really wanted us to see Madonna together – simply to go down the memory lane and to cherish another great moment together. To build more memories together, to be able to smile one day when we are grey and old and talk about Madonna’s concert that we once went to see.

But life decided for us. I just looked at my alarm clock and it is now 7.30pm. The concert starts in 30 minutes… I can only imagine the anticipation and excitement in the arena…

I asked Kasia to either go and see the concert with someone or just to sell the tickets. After all I paid 700 pounds for the 2 of them. She will do what she pleases.

The days here turn into months. It seems like I have been locked inside this prison for so long – but it’s only been 4 months.

I haven’t visited my beach in my dreams recently. I don’t know why.

You know, this morning as I was having my porridge with boiling water for breakfast I was staring at the building thru my tiny window. And then, suddenly I saw you. You stood there wearing your superdry jacket and black suede trousers. You saw me and you smiled. You smiled the way you used to do – it was the smile full of love for me. Then you waved to me. It was so real and intense that I became numb.

I couldn’t eat anymore, tears started falling down my face and then you disappeared. I kept staring at the empty space you stood, but you were gone.I felt so unloved. I feel like life decided to push me down to the ground and kick me endlessly.

I can’t make any sense out of this. I just can’t. The injustice of everything is overwhelming. I feel like the biggest fool. I trade my freedom for your health. And I lost. I am in prison and you left me. But no, actually it’s ok. It’s your health that matters. That’s what I asked for. I didn’t specify, that I would sacrifice my freedom in order for us to stay together. I only asked for your health. I never – in million years - imagined you’d leave me. So the fate better give me what I asked for – your health. That is all that matters. I don’t know if I ever make any sense of all that. I don’t even know if I make it alive.

I often just don’t want to wake up anymore. You have no idea how it feels, when you wake up so cold in the morning knowing that you are in a hopeless place like this, where nobody cares about you and you are left completely alone. Human touch is what I miss so much. I feel like an animal in a cage. Waiting to be slaughtered.

My mum is coming here soon to visit me. Less than 2 weeks now. She’s arriving in London on the 11^th of December and leaving on the 14^th. This is gonna be so emotional. I am saving up my antidepressants for that visit, so hopefully I will not break down in front of her.

I met a guy called Charlie here. He is a young lad in his mid-twenties. He is obsessed with the gym here and he told me I should sign up for a few sessions. I am sure I would benefit from it and losing weight could do me good. I wonder how would you react if I ever lose all that weight… I know that we would probably never meet again, but it’s just a thought. And I don’t even know if I am strong enough to lose weight.

Baby, let me finish here.

Please look after yourself there.

I miss you.

Forever Yours,

Sebastian