300 Letters - 45. Letter 44 (Waiting)

24.12.2015

Dear C,

Merry Christmas baby! Well, it's only Xmas Eve today, but you know that in Poland this is the day.

We have been locked up for the night earlier today - at 3 pm. I bet the staff wanted to go home earlier, good for them.

I spoke to my mum today, she cried a bit, but I managed to divert the conversation and landed in a happier place. I was nearly in tears myself, but I am so tired of crying. It's been so much of it that my eyes literally hurt.

I am missing you terribly and days like Christmas only remind me of how happy we were before. I still remember how you cooked all kinds of Polish dishes for our first Christmas together. You tried so hard and I felt so loved and cared for. I felt special. The next year I did my part and cooked everything you loved to eat. It was magical.

I am happy you will get to spend Christmas this year away from the hospital - with your family and friends. Who would have thought that Christmas of 2015 would look like that for us... Anyway, what matters the most is the fact that you are getting healthier.

I saw Disney's "Christmas Carol" on TV earlier today - it only reminded me of how we both loved that when we saw it for the very first time. It was a year ago. wasn't it? I cannot remember now.

I passed my English exams a few days ago - level 2. Only two of us did. Other 5 guys will have to re-do it. All are English men. Funny, isn't it...? I have also received my certificate already.

The gym has been cancelled over the entire Christmas time - due to lack of staff. So I have only been there once. It's kind of a bummer as I wanted to continue through the pain to get better and for my body to adjust. Now with almost 2 weeks break, it will feel like the first time again.

Oh well, there is nothing I can do about it. I am not giving up though. Not yet. I still remember how I felt on the yoga mat last time during the T25 exercises and I thought I would never get up. But something inside me said: "Move your fat, ugly ass and carry on!" So I did...

I got a few Christmas cards from people - Lucia, Anna, Agnes, Kasia and my mum. Lucia's card was so touching - her son Max painted his palm green on it and decorated it as a Christmas tree. So touching. Anna told me she loved the little magic tree that I sent to her a few weeks back.

Today in the morning I had a few guys in my cell and they just randomly started chatting to me. Prison is such a weird place... Anyway, we ended up playing some card games. I didn't particularly enjoy the experience, but on some level, it was good to focus my mind on something else. One of the guys was Martin - a Scottish guy who speaks so fast.

And on top of it with his Scottish accent, he is almost impossible to understand. I like him though - he is funny and quite well educated. He so doesn't belong here. He is only 22. Martin reminded me of my time living in Scotland and how difficult it was in the beginning to understand anyone. But eventually, after a few months, I was doing alright.

As we were playing cards I had the music channel on and Justin Bieber's song came on - "Love yourself". For no reason, we all started to sing the chorus and Martin said something that made me laugh hard. He said that it was his "gayest" moment of his life - a bunch of guys singing to Justin Bieber in perfect harmony. How funny!

I miss your laughter though... I want to share moments like that with you… The laughter…Not with some random guys.

The other day I told Jose how you laughed at me when I jumped out of my chair seeing the plastic spider toy you put on the shelf to scare me. Your laughter is precious.

I made him a little Christmas card - he didn't show emotions, but he thanked me. You know, Jose is funny too, how he likes to play gangsta boy, but in fact, he is just a big softy. I gave David a card too - he loved it and thanked me a few times.

Do you know what I got for breakfast today? Scrambled eggs with one tiny sausage... Oh my God, what a treat! It was so good. Even though the eggs were tasteless and the sausage tasted like a carbon box - still, it was delicious.

And with dinner we all good a tiny bag with a box juice, pack of noodles and 1 candy. Wow... I gave my juice to Jose because it was his favourite flavour - pineapple. He was well pleased.

(Jose, if by any chance you are reading this now I hope you are smiling...!)

I hope your mum cooked your favourite food for you. I hope you ate as much as you could baby. I hope you are happy.

Let me wrap up here.

It's almost 8 pm now and I will try to sleep. I know that outside of these walls people are sitting at the tables, laughing, hugging, joking. They are eating their favourite food, kids are playing, families are having their usual fights. Mothers and grandmothers are running like crazy cooking Christmas food and men are discussing latest football scores or whatever they are up to…

But there are plenty of lonely people too. And they have nobody to talk to, nobody to laugh with, nobody to hug or nobody to cry to. I have always known that, but tonight I am one of them… I do not wish that feeling to anyone, even though I know lonely people always have been and will always be here in this world…

It fills my heart with sadness and some kind of hopelessness.

I want Christmas to be over as soon as possible.

But for you C, I want to wish a very Merry Christmas.

I love you.

Forever yours,

Sebastian