300 Letters - 80. Letter 79 (I knew he was gay, but I guess he was testing waters)

Letter 79

16 April 2016

Dear C,

It is now 8.30 in the evening and I am so tired. Half of my day today I spent at the gym. I lost another kilo. I am so happy it is going well. Hard work, but it's worth it.

After they locked us up for the night (at 6 pm) I watched this movie we watched once together: "One Day". Such a tragic and heart-warming film - all at the same time. And I don't know why, as I was watching it I thought of your hair.

Has it grown back yet?

And do you remember what once Kasia joked about? She told you that maybe your hair would grow back curly! Imagine this! I responded that I'd love you - even if you looked like Cher. We all had such a good giggle. Seeing you laugh made my heart sing with joy. I always tried to hide my sadness and anger to the fact that cancer got someone like you. How many times I had to take a really deep breath in order not to start crying in front of you when I was with you in the hospital.

When I was back home I cried and cried - it was just me there.

Anyway, as I was watching this movie I thought how nice it would be if we also could meet once every year - just like the main characters in the movie. Just for one day. Every year for the rest of our lives. Until one of us is gone. But something in my heart tells me though that we would never see each other again...

In the afternoon I had a few guys visiting me in my cell: DJ, Andy and Steve. We had a good chat, we even laughed. Andy is a very nice guy, he is totally lost here. Just like I was. He has been to this prison for 2 months now and leaving in December. Andy is gay and apparently I was the only person he has ever confessed to about it. To me, it was always quite obvious he was gay - camp as a Christmas tree, but I pretended I was surprised.

And I doubt I was the only person he has ever spoken to about it. I bet he told other guys too, to see their reaction. I don't mind. Maybe he is testing the waters? I don't judge people. I promised him I would never say anything to anybody. He is married with 2 children. Bless. I hope he will sort his life out once he is out. Whatever that means.

Steve is a very young guy, he kind of comes as Andy's attachment. He is like 19 years old I guess. All the gay guys here are after him. It's funny how standards drop in a place like this. Steve seems to be extremely horny and hungry all the time. He is pretty funny too. I have a feeling DJ is after Steve too.

Oh C, what a place!

I just observe them all but I don't get involved. I just want to come back home. But you know - even though Andy loves to gossip about others here - I accept this. It does make me forget where I am - even if it's just for a few moments.

So Andy, if you ever get to read this - thanks for all the drama.

Andy asked me if I was involved with anyone so I mentioned a thing about you. I told him about the letters too. He was speechless about the fact that I have never sent any of them to you. He suggested I should write to you again and tell you how I feel about you. I doubt it's a good idea.

At the moment I feel like it would upset you. But who knows, I might one day just wake up and call you. Or write to you. I have these urges to talk to you, but I am able to control them somehow.

Who would have thought a year ago that it would come to this...?

Andy would like to meet me once we are both out - I wouldn't mind. He said he would come to visit me in Poland. Time will tell. I know people say many things here and they never mean them. I do wish Andy happiness. I am 100% sure he will find someone to love once he is out (from the conversation with him I gathered his wife is soon to be his ex-wife). All the best Andy.

That's all for today baby.

Love is such a beautiful thing. But when it leaves you, it peels off the layers of your heart bit by bit and no amount of painkillers can stop the pain.

Forever yours,

Sebastian