300 Letters - 67. Letter 66 (Their fingers in my mouth)

11 March 2016

Dear C,

Today Kasia came to visit me. It was so nice to see her again.

The visiting hall was half empty and everything was well organized - officers promptly got us all inside to see the visitors. When Kasia saw me, she was in a bit of a shock because of my weight loss. She said that I started to remind her the guy she remembered from my cruise ship days. It was good to hear it.

You know, when I put my visit clothes on (yes, we have to wear specially made jeans and a shirt) I was surprised how loose the trousers were. The shirt was way too big too. Last time I wore this uniform was on the 12th of January when Lucia came here. So within 2 months I lost a bit of weight.

Kasia's visit was great. I missed normal conversations. Nothing to do with the length of people's sentences or programs that can rehabilitate you to the world outside the gates or tuna or noodles. When I hugged her, I did it so tight like I never wanted to let go of her. And she smelled so fucking lovely too! You know, here I haven't smelled any perfumes for 8 months now, so my nose became very sensitive to new smells. And apparently the prison itself smells in its own way (I was told). I do remember coming here for the first time thinking it had some weird smell. I obviously do not smell it anymore now, but I was also told by someone, that once back home all my clothes would carry the prison smell. Well, I am planning to throw all of them away anyway.

Kasia told me about her moving back to Poland soon and how much she missed living in Cracow. She was excited about her new job too - something to do with human resources.She asked about you and whether you were still planning to visit me here. She said that it wasn't a great idea and that you should come to visit me once I am out. And even to come to Poland to see me and just to talk. It's only a 2 hrs flight and it's cheap. She still thinks we owe each other an honest conversation in order to move on with our lives.

I explained to her that you had been moving on already and that your health was the most important matter at that moment. She still claimed that we should do it so I could also move on. Maybe she is right.

It's a shame really that you and her aren't on good terms anymore. Two people that I care about so much... I still remember the 3 of us trying for hours to choose, which movie to watch on Netflix yet we always ended up watching some crap like "Sharklando". It was so much fun.

Kasia bought me so much junk food here! Oh C... I was like a kid in a candy store. Dr Pepper, Mars bars, M&Ms. crisps, sandwiches. And all in 2 hours only! I was told I deserve them, so hey!

But all good things must come to an end. We hugged each other goodbye. I so wanted her to stay longer. So much. I saw Kasia having tears in her eyes when she was waving goodbye and disappearing behind the door. I nearly lost it too. I had to really compose myself not to cry.

Luckily, I managed to keep it together and also luckily, I wasn't chosen for a full body search (they always pick random people after the visits are over). It is very humiliating. Not only you have to stand completely naked in front of two guards, but they also check your mouth with rubber gloves shining torch light into your throat and then you need to crouch. It feels horrible. I only had to do it twice - when I got to my first prison and when they shipped me here. Hope never again.

When I got back to my cell I sat on my bed and looked at the window. The sky was so beautiful. All the colours of purple, pink and orange on a pale blue sky. If only I could take a photograph and send it to you... Ray of lights shone through some clouds. What a view! (By the way, I couldn't resist not to put some famous music title reference here - I know you would get it straight away, if you ever read this).

I sat and sat there just watching the colours of the sky not even realizing I was crying silently. I will miss Kasia here in UK, but I am happy for her. I miss you too.

The evening came and I curled up in my bed wanting to fall asleep to wake up at home next to you.

Goodnight C.

Forever yours,

Sebastian