300 Letters - 48. Letter 47 (Big Bang My Heart)

2.01.2016

Dear C,

Happy New Year to you.

I wish it would be much better for us both. How did you get to spend it? Did you go out at all? I don't even know whether you are strong enough yet to be leaving the house. If you didn't party anywhere I hope that at least you had a good time.

Well, I didn't go out at all hahaha...! I am laughing now, but I wasn't laughing when the midnight hour stroke on New Year's Eve. I silently wished you and my loved ones a happy new year and I tried hard to fall asleep to let it pass. I couldn't though, I was twisting and turning. I shared a few tears but I was ok. Had to be.

On that day I painted another magic tree, but this time on a canvas that I got from my art class. It was my very first try to use watercolours on canvas, It didn't look great, I suppose you can only use acrylics or oils on canvas. It looked ok, but the colours were not as vivid as on watercolour paper.

But today, when I looked at I, loved it! I do not know what happened, maybe the colours became more vivid over time... I don't know. I was encouraged by DJ to send this canvas to the annual Koestler Art Competition. It's a competition designated to exhibit creative works of all prisoners across the UK (Ireland, Scotland, Wales and England). I will never win anything, but I have nothing to lose. I know that DJ is sending a lot of his art there every year (well yes, he has been in prison for many, many years). His art is way better than mine, but imagine if anyone liked it there and actually, it would end up in some art gallery!

Anyway, the tree represents bruised love, but love that eventually wins. The branches of the tree are without leaves, but on one of them, there is a tiny heart that is hanging upside down. I painted lots of dots and wind effect around the tree symbolising the chaos and the pain of some sort.

When I finished it I realised that the tree trunk has French flag colours. I never thought of it as I was painting, it just happened.

I removed your belt from underneath my pillow. I think it's time. How am I supposed to move on if I am so desperately hanging onto you? I have become so extremely tired of all the pain and of constantly waiting for a change. Enough!

I still love you so fucking much, but I can't take this pain anymore.

I am sure you would laugh hard at me if you only knew I was sleeping on your belt each night. What an idiot...

I have been watching Big Bang Theory all the way through festive time and I even laughed a bit. Sheldon knows how to cheer me up. They play it over and over again on channel 4 here and E4. I wonder if you took the blu ray discs with Big Bang that I bought? I think there were first 7 seasons on them.

I have done 4 gym sessions so far. Oh my, this is hard work. I practically want to die halfway through each and one of them. But I am not giving up. Oh no! (not yet). I must say that the fourth session felt slightly better, but the sweat, blood and tears were there of course.

A few days ago I put an order for a Bush stereo system. It's 49.99 pounds and I managed to save it - some from the money my mum sent me and some from my work here. I will also order some CDs to listen to.

I was so tempted to order new Lana Del Rey's album "Honeymoon", but then I realised that if I did I would always associate these songs with prison, so I think I'm gonna wait. I wanted to order her previous albums, but they would only remind me of you. So I need to go very neutral.

Just a few weeks ago I could not listen to any music, everything just reminded me of you. How we used to listen to music together.

You see C, when you left me, you took a part of me that was mine. Not yours. Not ours. It was mine. Now I need to learn how to replace that missing part of me that you took. So I can move on.

And I hope I will be able to pick up all the broken pieces of my heart and make it whole again.

Happy New Year again.

Forever yours,

Sebastian

http://www.sebastianbauerart.com