300 Letters - 69. Letter 68 (Sessions)

Letter 68

20 March 2016

Dear C,

It hasn't been easy. I am still under the influence of your email. Been trying to occupy my mind with anything possible here, but your harsh words are ringing in my stupid head.I drafted the reply letter to you, I'll have a read tomorrow again and I will post it to you.

At my music production class I wasn't able to focus on anything. I have been trying to create something out of nothing. I don't even know, if it makes sense. I finished working on an instrumental track called "Dancing with a destiny". I put all of my emotions there and it sounds strange. But it's done now. I'll keep this track just that way.

Easter is around the corner and it reminded me how you bought me these tiny chocolate eggs for Easter when we started dating. I was really touched because I never expected anything from you. Plus nobody really gives me anything, you know - from a person to a person - just to make that other one feel special. You did. I also remember how we bought a massive basket full of chocolates for your sister last year. It was massive. It was heavy. We both agreed that it would become our Easter tradition now - to give her a chocolate basket - and it should be bigger each year. I wonder how she's doing?

I've talked to Geoff a lot recently. He will be deported to America soon, I will miss him here. I'm sure I mentioned him to you before. Anyway he noticed that I have been down and sadder than usual so I told him about your email. He said it was very unfair of you to be calling me names and frankly quite disappointing. He couldn't believe that you left me to rot here on my own knowing I never cheated on you etc.

Geoff became quite vocal about it during our morning walk together and I felt so lost. A part of me wanted him to shut up because it was you he was talking about, but the other part of me was getting more and more pissed off with you.When I was back in my cell that day I was so confused. I kind of understood what Geoff meant. He helped me to accept the fact that you perhaps didn't deserve me at all. And that I can't see it yet because I am in the worst possible place to be going through a break up.

Geoff advised me that I should write to you and list everything that I have done for you for all these years. So maybe you would see for yourself. But I don't think I will write a letter like that. I am too weak to be doing this. Plus I hate talking about myself in a praising way.These walks with Geoff have been like some kind of therapeutic sessions. Confusing, but helpful in the end. I wonder if Geoff and I stay in touch once this nightmare is over for the both of us. He said we would, but I gather that people might be saying this here and once outside of the prisons walls things can change. Whatever it might be - I am thankful that I met someone like Geoff in a place like this.

Forever yours,

Sebastian