300 Letters - 46. Letter 45

25.12.2015

Dear C,

This is just a short letter. To wish you a happy Christmas. I thought I wouldn't write today, but I had to.I hope you are fine. Fine and safe. And happy.I hope you are feeling good and you are recovering fast.

I spent most of my time today alone in my cell. At some point, I took your belt out of my pillow and placed it on the chair in front of me. So it felt like we spent Christmas Day together. How silly of me...! But it did make me feel closer to you. And that was all that mattered.

I also realised that I have one more Christmas to spend in prison next year and then by the end of 2017 I should be free. But it does feel like an eternity... So many days to be locked up are in front of me. I just cannot go crazy. I must control the feelings of sadness, disappointment, loneliness etc. I just hope I am strong enough to go through all this. And I have no idea what lays ahead of me here. More pain?

So far art is my healer. The colours I create are my drugs that run through my veins. I get lost in them, even if it only lasts for an hour a day. It is still a lot here. Remember C, a day here is like a week. But art is something else. I never knew I would be drawn into it so much. There is something good and spiritual about it. I think. And I don't know what that is. But every time I paint I have these flashes in my head of a very bright, warm light. Just for a second or two and it's gone. No clue what that is. Maybe I am simply losing my mind.

Today is the last day that I can write number 3 in front of my age number... Big 40 tomorrow... Fuck that sounds so old! And for the first time, I can feel it. I feel like I am 70 years old in fact...

I must admit that I have been hoping you would send me a birthday card here and I still hope someone from the stuff would bring me a card from you, but a big part of me tells me that it will never happen.

Or maybe I am wrong and tomorrow I will get it... It would mean the world to me...

Ok C, I will wrap up here.

Again, Merry Christmas.

I miss you.

Forever yours,

Sebastian