300 Letters - 61. Letter 60 (Your letter)

19 February 2016

Dear C,

How can one sentence make someone so upset??? I received an email from you (3rd one in total) and it consists of one line: to put you on a visitors list.

No 'hello', no 'how are you' no nothing.

It made me so upset that Jose had to call DJ to my cell to calm me down. How stupid I am? My stupidity is like a fucking endless river! DJ sat on my bed and tried to explain things to me, but I was just crying there. He told me that I should allow myself to see you.

Now what? You want to come and see me? To trash me even more, so you can happily leave through the main door and leave me here to rot even more? Is this your idea of visiting me? Your new idea of humiliating me?And my brain is telling me that you can just fuck yourself, but my heart wants nothing more but to see you, hold your hand, look into your eyes...DJ was trying to convince me that I should be ready to see you even after everything that has happened to us, that I should think that perhaps you missed me and just wanted to see if I was OK. Seriously? You missed me? Funny that.

Anyway, he thinks we owe an honest conversation to one another and it should be done face to face.I talked to my mum and I told her about your email. She got very worried. She told me that if I am not ready I shouldn't see you, although her friend Ania thinks otherwise.To me, the only logical explanation is that you want to see me suffer with your own eyes.I am so confused. Lost. David asked me yesterday if I had already placed the visit request form for you to be able to see me, but I still have it with me. I filled it in, but had no courage to drop it in a request box downstairs. I should do it tomorrow I think. And once I get the positive reply I will send you a real letter to inform you about it. I think I will.

Now on the other hand I wonder how will you get here? You don't drive. And it's a long way from London. Are you even healthy enough to travel? Will you be OK with this prison environment?Guards, dogs, guns, metal bars, constant searches? And if you are only coming here to cause me more pain, please save me from it.

I can't write anymore.

Forever yours,

Sebastian