300 Letters - 33. Letter 32 (The Lighthouse)

24.11.2015

Dear C,

Happy birthday my love! Someone is getting older 🙂

I hope you had a wonderful day today? Did your mum make some of your favourite food for you? Did Sarah and Cindy surprise you with something nice? I bet they did.

There is no need for me to say how much I wish I was there with you.

I called you first thing after they unlocked our cells this morning but I got a message that your number was unavailable… I couldn’t try to dial it again as I had to go to my art classes.

My thoughts were rolling wild in my head and all I could think of was that you had changed your number, so I couldn’t call you anymore.

I thought that I couldn’t have my heart broken more than this, but I was wrong. I really tried to keep my shit together during the art classes, but even Jose notice that something was wrong and kept asking me if I was ok. When I got back to my wing at 11am I decided to give it another try.

The phone rang!

I was so relieved and happy.

Obviously you never picked up, but that’s ok. I read you my birthday wishes that I had written a few days before.

And when I hanged up I knew that it was the last time I called you.

Something inside of me told me I needed to heal my soul and my heart. And that I needed to start that process now. I didn’t know if I would stick to it and never call you again.

I didn’t know if I would heal at all. But a part of me wanted to find some light back again in my life and I started to realise that in order to do so, I needed to move on from you.

I got 3 letters today. One from Lisa, one from Liz from human resources and one from Ania.

Lisa promised me she would be coming here soon. I cannot wait, I miss her a lot.

Liz was very supportive in her letter too. To be honest I never thought she would reply to me, but I was wrong. She promised me she would stay in touch and asked me to stay strong. It’s nice to know that someone like Liz – top dog in my company writes to me and wants to stay in touch.

Ania’s letter was lovely too. She opened up about her problems back in Poland. I hope she will sort everything out for herself.

Last night I dreamt I was on the beach again. I felt the sea breeze and the sun warming my skin. There was nobody there, just me. I think I saw a lighthouse in the distance and the bright light coming out of it. The light was piercing the night sky leaving some beautiful patterns behind. The weird thing was that where I stood on the beach it was daytime, but the lighthouse was located on the part of the beach which was covered in darkness.

There is a new guy on my landing called DJ. He is from Australia, but been living in UK for most of his life. He is in his mid-30s and seems very nice. I spoke to him a few times, he loves the lord of the ring movies – just like me. He has a big Gandalf poster on his wall. He also does art and will be coming to classes soon.

I spoke with my mum, she told me she wished you happy birthday on Facebook and that you replied ‘thank you’ in Polish language… It’s nice you still remembered how to say it.

Today someone was caught with a mobile phone in his cell. How the hell they manage to get those phones in? I have no clue. So now we are expecting cell searches soon – they basically throw everything you have upside down and most of your belongings end up on a corridor. It’s not nice, but no one cares.

C, let me finish now. It’s so cold here that my fingers are becoming numb. I’m going to cover myself with my blanket now and try to sleep. I hope I can come back to my beach again.

I keep sleeping with my winter jacket still on. My toes are so cold – even though I sleep with 2 pairs of socks.

Baby, happy birthday again. May you be happy and healthy.

I love you.

Forever Yours,

Sebastian