300 Letters - 24. Letter 23 (You hate me)

5.11.2015

Dear C,

What a day I had yesterday… I got your e-mail (the second you sent me since I’ve been to prison) and it completely tore me apart.

I had to be dismissed from my English classes as I couldn’t stop crying.

How were you able to unloved me so quickly C? I started to believe now, that you perhaps never really loved me that much after all… Your words were cold as ice.

It was like they were coming from a totally different person. I read between the lines, that you almost hate me now.

Why C?

What have I done to you? Not telling you about my past relationship with Roland? Is this what made you hate me so much?

I never left you in your darkest hour. I stood by you. When your own mother couldn’t care less whether you were dead or alive – I was there for you. I gave you my love, I gave you home full of love. Wasn’t it good enough for you? I cared for you from the moment I opened my eyes in the morning till the moment I fell asleep at night.

Sometimes in the middle of the night I used to feel your heartbeat just to make sure that you are ok…

My family welcomed you like their own… That didn’t matter to you at all?

Your mother refused to be with me in the same hospital room with me, but I didn’t care because you mattered the most. I even used to ask you to go and visit your mum every now and then to show her you care and love her.

Your cancer made my world collapsed. Not the prison as such – your cancer did. I didn’t care I would suffer here – my only concern was you and your health. I wasn’t even able to focus on my case prior to the court time, even though my barrister kept telling me to do so and to forget about you for a moment. But I couldn’t. You were all that mattered. But I guess that isn’t good enough for you.

Yes, of course I fucked up, because I lied to you about Roland. I was so freaking scared that I would lose you if I told you I had a civil partnership with him before… Even though when we met I was never with him anymore – only on the paper as he was waiting for the extension of his UK visa.

I begged you for mercy, not to leave me here alone, but your answer was to fuck off. You laughed when I told you on the phone I was in the hospital after I tried to take my own life. You couldn’t care less.

I suppose you would be quite happy if someone actually killed me here, wouldn’t you?

What happened to us?

We were meant to be indestructible.

You kept telling me that you would love me no matter what… And now you just pissed on me.

Maybe I’m just weak. You have moved on within weeks. Soon, some new guy will come your way, I’m sure. Don’t crush his heart. If he makes a mistake or whatever, give him a second chance.

We are only humans.

I love you.

Forever Yours

Sebastian