300 Letters - 60. Letter 59 (Blood in my food)

16 February 2016

Dear C,

I'm OK, I'm OK, I'm OK.

I am telling this to myself all the time not to go fucking crazy. How am I going to go through this shit? For almost next 2 years??? Why me?

I wasn't planning on writing this to you because I'm not in a right place now, but maybe it will help if I do.I know that regardless all of this the world keeps turning. All the waves at sea, all the future prophecies and all the stars without a name. And all will turn into dust.I sometimes see myself here from up above the skies and I then realize that I'm not even a spec of a sand grain comparing to the universe. And my suffering here means nothing to it.The dust will drift away, the nights and days will fade away and only change is here to stay.Will I come out of this stronger? Or my soul will get totally crushed... I don't know. I know I will never trust anybody and I suppose this is a good thing. Like a protecting blanket.

Gym is going fine. I think I am slowly getting into it. It's still blood, sweat and tears, but nothing comes easy. The real training begins when you want to stop and give up.Yesterday they combined cardio exercises with weights. Today I cannot move. They know how to make us feel every single muscle in our bodies. And that was done with rather light weights. The instructor advised us that most of so called "gym sharks" lift heave weights with no knowledge how to do it properly and they injure themselves. Lifting lighter weights with slower movements and doing this properly is the key. Apparently.A few guys have already told me that they noticed I have started losing weight. Good sign.

John comes to visit me sometimes, he is such a nice guy. And I can relate to him because he has also been falsely accused so the person could receive money. This world is a rotten place. If God ever existed he would not have allowed this to happen. But if he does exist then, he is a psycho.

Geoff told me that someone on his wing, who worked in the servery, has been placed in a segregation unit over the weekend. He was apparently dripping his own blood into the food as they were preparing the food to be served. How sick is this??? What if was HIV positive or had any other diseases??? He is a lifer (serving a life time sentence), so he wouldn't care anyway.

I spoke to my mum on Sunday, I never told her about it - she would worry. No need for that. I don't know how she is really taking all this. I am very grateful that she has her best friend Ania to support her. Ania is like a family.

Hope you are OK.

Forever yours,

Sebastian