300 Letters - 23. Letter 22 (She was really rude)

2.11.2015

Dear C,

How are you doing?

I hope you are doing well and catching up on everything you have missed out on when you were in the hospital.

I miss you dearly and I really wish I could be there for you and enjoy those moments with you too.

I received an email from Kasia today, a very long one. She basically told me off for being weak, for loving you, for caring for you and for being a total fool. For allowing you to break my heart. It did hurt really bad when I was reading it. For a moment I thought she didn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. And I don’t know why.

I totally understand how pissed off she must have been with me for partially leaving her in this mess.

You have no idea C, how grateful I am to her for everything she has done to me. She stood by me all the way – when the lights went down and I was left alone. You left me, but not her.

I should never forget this.

I know that you two don’t like each other anymore – it seems like you actually hate each other now. It hurts me to see that you guys cannot bury the hatchet. Life is way too short to be like that.

When I was reading that email from her, I realized how deeply she hurt me by the way she spoke to me, using really harsh words. She was almost rude. I read the whole email 3 times. Finally, I came to some conclusions. She is partially right. I agree that I have to get back to life. I have to move on. But I do not agree with her saying that I am stupid and weak.

Yes, I know I need to find the strength in me to carry on here. I need to learn how to fight for myself now. It’s gonna be difficult. Now with your birthday approaching and Christmas around the corner… But I will try.

I am so tired of taking all these antidepressants. I am so fucking tired of the pain in my heart.

You know Kasia advised me not to call you on the phone for a year or so, so I should heal faster. She is very convinced that you will be 100% healthy soon, that you will find someone very soon and will forget about me. And I will be here all alone thinking about you. But I don’t know if I can just stop communicating with you – just like that like you’ve never existed. Especially on your birthday and Christmas.

Lucia, on the other hand, told me that I should try to stay connected with you. To make sure that you know I still care and love you. I do care for you my love and I do love you so, so fucking much. Like the biggest idiot, but I don’t care.

Here, life goes on very slowly. Each day is like a week. I have passed my oral English exam today with ease. And the teacher tricked me to do a written exam too saying I can pass better than anyone else. So I agreed. The results will come soon. I was also told I must prepare the PowerPoint presentation on a specific subject of my choice. Others were given the option, I was told I had to do it. After that, I will be moved to the advanced English classes. Whatever.

Art is going well too. I keep painting my trees. I make them so colourful. It makes me forget how dark the world inside here is.

Ok baby, that’s all for today. Please look after yourself there in London. I so wish I could hug you right now. Without saying anything, just hug you and feel you.

I love you.

Forever yours

Sebastian