300 Letters - 66. Letter 65 (You came............................)

10 March 2016

Dear C,

So you came to visit me...!
It was so nerve wracking, but I didn't care. The whole experience was just so surreal.I remember walking into the visiting hall where you sat there already.

They gave you the table by the entrance door so I had to walk all the way through the rows of tables and chairs to get to you.I felt like my heart would jump out. It was beating so fast that I could almost hear it.

As I finally approached your table, I did not know what to do. You smiled at me, but I could see it was a fake smile.

I smiled back and said "hello"...

Well, I tried, but I mumbled something as my throat was too dry and tight for any words to sound normal. You said hello too and I sat down in front of you.
I couldn't believe that you were right there in front of me, that you were so near me. It felt so unreal. I didn't know what to say, even though all I wanted to do was to ask you a million questions, but most of all I wanted to hold you. And never let go.

Your hair grew back after the chemotherapy and you looked like there was no cancer. I was so happy to see you that way.
I finally managed to tell you that you looked great and immediately I asked you how you were. I so wanted us to have a normal conversation. I didn't want you to feel awkward.

You told me that you were doing way better than the last time I saw you (which was over 8 months ago now). The only thing was that you were still weak sometimes. When you said that I so wanted to hold your hand... But I was too afraid you'd reject it.

You told me that your family was doing fine, that your little sister enjoyed the work experience in my former office. All your friends were supporting you.
You said that the doctors told you that you were free from cancer for now and that you must be coming for check ups to make sure you stay healthy. It brought tears of joy to my eyes.

I wanted to ask, if you got someone new, someone who already replaced me, but I was too scared to know the answer. Instead I asked you how did you like new music that had been on TV lately...

It was such a pleasure hearing your voice again. Seeing your face. Smelling your perfume. You wore Lady Gaga, I could tell. I so wanted to rub my finger against your sleeve, so I could go back to my cell having your scent near me.

No, I actually didn't want to go back to my cell. I wanted to leave this place with you. And come back to our home. Where there is no fear or pain. To live the life filled with our love again.

At some point I so wanted to tell you how badly I had been treated in my first prison before, that I was beaten on many occasions, that I was raped and humiliated. That I lost two of my back teeth when someone was jumping on my face with his boots on... All those things that I still cannot forget and they haunt me almost every night...

I wanted to tell you that I cannot cope here, that I can't stop crying. But I didn't tell you any of this. I didn't want you to think that I was looking for your pity. Instead I only smiled and I kept starring at your face to remember as much as I could before I had to return to my cell.

When you eventually asked me if I was doing ok, I nearly lost it... I felt my heart racing and tears coming, but I managed somehow to say that I was fine.

Then you said that everything's gonna be alright and that you'll make me my favourite homemade ice cream once I'm out of prison.

I felt loved again.

This intense feeling lighten up my entire heart.

And then you reached out for my hand...

Then I woke up.