300 Letters - 72. Letter 71 (Inception: Blue & Red)

Letter 71

29 March 2016

Dear C,

Today is what could have been our 3rd anniversary together. Doesn't time just fly? I know it doesn't matter anymore, but I couldn't stop myself from mentioning this.

Maybe next year I will not even notice it. I hope.

I had this surreal dream last night. Your sister and I were in the kitchen making you breakfast. Full English. You were somewhere upstairs. Once it was ready I went to your room and as I walked in you were putting the roller skates on - the ones I bought for us when I lived in Wimbledon. You looked at me and smiled. I put the tray on the table and before I even said anything, your sister came in and started to jump around the room. Then the windows in the room started to collapse and the sun burst inside. You didn't pay much attention to it, you seemed to be checking if you had everything on you in order to start skating. Then the entire floor collapsed and I woke up.

I was laying on the floor covered with some blue and red liquid. It was very sticky. The blue one smelled nice, but the red one stank terribly. I wanted to get up from that floor and wash the liquid or whatever it was, when suddenly you walked into this place and started to laugh at me. You laughed really hard. It was rather a sarcastic laughter - similar to how Chandler from Friends laughed when Rachel dropped a cheesecake on the floor. I asked you what was going on, but you kept laughing.

I saw how the red liquid started to drip down my sleeves and the smell became unbearable.

And then I really woke up.

As confused as I was, I knew that this dream had to mean something. Why blue and red colours? Why skating roller-blades? What was that liquid all about? Why did I wake up within a dream? And that horrible smell...

I got used to you laughing at me in my dreams though so I wasn't surprised about that.

Anyway, today I officially finished my music production course and I am now waiting to get the CD with all of my recordings. First, it has to be listened to by a manager from the education department to check, if there isn't anything illegal on my CD. I told the tutor, that for sure I never sang on that CD, nor I used any pre-recorded vocals - all my tracks are instrumental.

He said that these were the rules. So now I might wait for months before I get that CD. And I will not even be able to have it in my cell. Once it's approved, it will go to my property box and I will get it on the day I will be leaving this prison. Welcome to my world.

You know, today I was thinking about the day when we celebrated our second anniversary. It was beautiful. I remember how surprised you were when you opened that big box I gave you! First you thought I got you some chocolates and a long charger. But then, as you dug a bit deeper, you discovered I got you a brand new iPad mini. Your reaction was priceless! I loved it. You were literally shocked. I felt so happy. So happy. Your joy was my joy.

How I wish I could go back to that particular day from the past and relive it with you again.

I guess I cling onto all of these memories so much, because I am so terribly scared of the future. I don't know what would happen to me. Will I ever find peace? Will I ever start living again?

Happy anniversary C.

Forever yours,

Sebastian