300 Letters - 30. Letter 29 (Eternal Silence of the Sea)

19.11.2015

Dear C,

I was running towards the beach.

It was sunny, but I remember seeing dark clouds covering the sky. It was hot, but the wind blew an icy cold air every now and then. The sea was very calm yet I could see some big waves on the horizon. There were a few people around me standing and watching me. I don’t know who they were.

Then I suddenly fell and started to float just above the ground. And then I recognized the entrance to the beach – it was the one I used to go on summer holidays with my cousins and my grandmother. We used to spend there up to 3 months every year as kids. The place is called Jantar and it’s at the Baltic sea.

Then I woke up. I felt terrified when I realised where I was. Being there, on that beach I felt safe, almost like the pain did not exist at all. And now I had to face another faceless day in prison. People I don’t have anything to do with, people who seem to feel proud of the crimes the committed. I have to face another day trying to convince myself that I will be ok, that it will pass and I will be free again one day. Convince myself that I will not lose my mind here.

I observed one thing recently – there is plenty of people here who get a great support from their wives, husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends… I sometimes can hear them say: I love you, I miss you. And they exchange kisses with the ones they speak to. It’s so nice. I even once smiled hearing this. Then I broke into tears when I got back to my cell.

Today on TV I saw a video of someone called Alan Walker. The song is called “Faded” and it’s really good. Sad, but so beautiful. I was instantly mesmerized by the lyrics and by the sound. On top of this, the video is also beautifully made, it tells some story. Quite unheard of these days, where the videos show women shaking their tits and asses and guys throw their money around some sport cars. Boring.

I will have to check this Alan Walker one day when I’m out.

I also saw a video of Diana Wickers “One”. And I smiled. I think it was the first time I smiled here as I was thinking of you and of us.

Do you remember how we used to laugh at her saying that she was the queen of pop? First time in 4 months the memory of us together brought a smile upon my tired face. Does it mean that I have started to move on? But then again, if someone offered me to see you right now - but I would have to walk barefoot on a broken glass from here to London – I wouldn’t even think twice. I wouldn’t care about my feet. As long as I could see you and say hello…

This morning we were locked up for 3 hours as the ambulance came to collect another body. Someone must have died in the morning. I heard someone say it was another suicide from building 3. Whoever that was I hope he is in a better place than this.

It’s very cold here, I will wrap up now as my fingers are numb from cold. My window is opened and I can’t close it as I mentioned to you before. The handle that spins the mechanism is broken. These windows are different to what people have in their houses. I sleep with my winter jacket on tugged in my sweat pants. I look hilarious, but I don’t care.

Never felt so cold in my life.

Forever Yours,

Sebastian