300 Letters - 50. Letter 49 (I get angry)

9 January 2016

Dear C,

How are you? I hope you're getting better. It's hard not knowing whether you are ok or not. My mum gives me some updates according to your Facebook statuses, but I still feel it's not enough for me.

Last night I was listening to prison radio on TV and there was 1 hr special where they played greetings and wishes to prisoners across the UK from their friends, families and loved ones. Sometimes they were voices recorded by the people and sometimes the DJ was reading them out. All the messages were full of love, compassion and care. One woman's voice recording was so emotional, she told her man to stay strong, that she is there for him and that no matter the past they had the future together.

She dedicated him Lady Gaga's song "You & I". So I obviously broke in tears. Even though I swore to myself I would never cry again.

And at that very moment I got really upset. Or maybe disappointed more than upset. That you left me here to rot like a piece of shit. Even though you constantly kept telling me you would never leave me - no matter what. And I was well stupid to believe this.

Now how am I supposed to believe in love again? You made me believe I could trust you that you would stay by my side. Is the fact that I never told you I used to be in a civil partnership years ago with someone I am no longer with (I don't even know if he's still alive or not) too much for you to handle? I have never cheated on you.

Yes, I admit - it was very stupid to hide it from you. And if this is the reason why you left me - be it. If these are the convenient circumstances for you to ditch me here so you have a great excuse not to be with someone who is behind bars - be it. I never left you in your darkest days and weeks. How could I?

Tomorrow Lucia is coming to visit me here. I am quite touched she would travel all the way here from London just to see me. I am very anxious to see her - I have no idea how will I react. There is so much I want to ask her about and yet I am so scared of her telling me things about you that could be painful. But I suppose I need to brace myself and be ready. I can't wait for her to tell me about your sister's work experience in our department. That will be fun to hear all about it.

I am talking a lot to John - a guy who is jailed for 9 years. He is a few years younger and really down to earth. He also maintains his innocence and I believe him. He is one of not too many normal people in here. He just moved to a single cell on landing 3, I go to visit him every now and then.

Today they moved a new guy in front of him - Ian. What a dick! The attention-seeking young lad who thinks the louder he gets the more macho he looks. Funny. He smokes in his cell, so it's a matter of time before they catch him and he will be kicked out from here to another wing.

There are only 2 non smoking wings in here - mine (5) and wing number 2.

I had a short chat with Ian and when not around his "plastic gangsta" boys he seems a decent guy. I could see it through. Well, I will not be making friends with him, but I wish him well.

Gym is going ok, I think I am slowly getting better at this. Long, long way in front of me still.

Ok C, I will wrap up here. Please stay always safe.

I love you. And that's my problem.

Forever yours,

Sebastian