300 Letters - 29. Letter 28 (We Are All Parisians)

16.11.2015

Dear C,

What a terrifying weekend it’s been! Sad. Just sad.

I’m talking about the terrorist attacks in Paris on Friday 13^th (what an irony with that day). I am not sure if you were as affected by it as I still am. I mean, what city is next?

London? Barcelona? Berlin?

*** read the part I wrote today at the bottom of this letter

Sometimes I think that maybe it is better that I will have to be deported from here. Living in London would kind of freak me out.

I had a short chat with my English tutor today and she said that Singapore is a great city to live.

I have been there a few times during my cruise ship days and I remember how clean, wealthy and beautiful that place was. Maybe it is something I could look into it one day in the future.

You know baby, a guy in my art classes today said he would gladly pay £100 for the 4 piece of my magic trees! Wow! Someone would actually pay for my work? I’m quite amazed. Or maybe he was just trying to be nice. I am definitely going to order some art materials here. Then I am going to do as many magic trees as possible. What else do I have to do? I wish I could share them with you to know your opinion.

God, I miss you so much.

How is my bravest solider doing? I don’t have anybody to tell me this really, so I can only guess and hope for the best. I know that if I tried to call you, you wouldn’t probably answer your phone. By now, you might have even changed your number anyway.

It is still so unreal to me that you have turned into a guy who is hating me – all from the most loving person I have met. I am not able to hate you, even if I tried. And I have reasons to hate you too. I just can’t.

Some guys were making hooch today (a prison version of some kind of alcohol). It is made of some oranges, apples, raisins, sugar and some water I guess. I never tried it and not going to, but some people here had a blast. They went crazy and it resulted in some serious fight between two guys. One of them ended up with broken nose. Not sure if I ever get used to the violence around me. I am scared, but not as much as I used to be. After all, I don’t need to come out alive from this place anymore. You wouldn’t even notice.

Last night I had another nightmare. I woke up screaming, I saw the guy who raped me in my cell here. I saw him laughing at me and verbally abusing. My next door neighbour told me that I woke him up in the middle of the night, for what I apologised. I can imagine that my scream must have been quite loud on an empty corridor. What can I do? I can’t help it.

I was then scared to go back to sleep thinking I could have the same nightmare again. I didn’t luckily.

I spoke a lot to Geoff recently. And another guy Martin. Martin is a young Scottish guy who is on my corridor. He is in a double cell with a guy called John.

John is a very quiet man, I can tell he suffers from depression like I do. I hope he will snap out of it soon.

Geoff and I share the similar sense of humour, so we even managed to laugh a few times during the afternoon walk around the yard today. He will be also deported back to America and he is dreading it. He will have to go through many checks there and will be sanctions with a lot of restrictions. I feel for him, even though I don’t know him that well. He should be released around a year before me, but he has been inside for almost a year now.

You know, as I am writing this to you I just saw the advert of Tesco products and they had a cheese platter. You have no idea how much I would love to eat a bit of cheese. Just a bit. Just a tiny square. You have no idea how does it feel when you are suddenly depraved from the things you normally take for granted. From things like being able to call/text anyone at any time you wish. Or being able to go online.

I still have the moments here where I wake up in the morning disbelieving I am inside a prison. It takes me a few seconds to make peace with the fact it’s true. Yet, however, I cannot come to terms with the fact that you have left me. I just can’t. And I don’t know how will I ever do that. Yes, they say time heals and I hope it’s true.

Soon, my mum should visit me here with Kasia. It’s gonna be emotional, I have to make sure I will not go into a meltdown of some kind. Lisa should also visit soon. I can’t wait to see them all. Lisa promised me she would be definitely coming before December and before Christmas too. I simply cannot wait. Obviously I can’t wish more for you to visit me here one day, but one can only dream.

Babe, I will wrap up here. It’s almost 11pm and my cell is freezing cold – my fingers are becoming numb. I will sleep with my winter jacket on again. My tiny window here is broken and cannot be closed.

Please look after yourself. At least you stay warm there and make sure you are following doctors’ orders. Be brave. Everything will be alright one day soon.

I love you.

Forever Yours,

Sebastian

*** At the time of writing this letter (16^th of November 2015) I had absolutely no idea that in the years to come, the following terrorist attack would happen in the exact cities I mentioned in my letter: London (3^rd of June 2017), Barcelona (17^th of August 2017), Berlin (19^th of December 2016). I only realised that terrifying fact as I was re-typing this particular letter today (after writing my letters I never read them back until now). May all those who died in these terrible events rest in peace.