300 Letters - 40. Letter 39 (Been high all day)

11.12.2015

Dear C,

I am pretty nervous about my mum’s visit tomorrow. I just don’t wanna have a total meltdown in front of her. I so need to be strong for her and pretend that I am ok. I have taken a double dose of anti-depressants today and I have been pretty much unconscious the whole day. I hope I will stay kinda numb like this for the whole weekend – I have another visit from mum the day after tomorrow too.

David came to see me today, but I was unable to speak much as the pills kicked in. I think I was high on them. He noticed that something was up and advised me not to get involved in drugs in prison. Well, that’s the last thing I would do, however never say never. But I doubt it.

Then also Jose came. He was very comforting and he understood how stressed I was about the visit. He said I would do fine. I hope he is right. I know it’s silly, but I am almost panicking now. It’s almost 1am now and I have a few hours to sleep before I see my mum and Kasia. I am not worried about Kasia, she saw me at my worse, but not my mum. And that’s the last thing I want: get my mum worried even more.

Anyway Jose has been watching over me today.

It’s Friday today, but it’s been raining all day long, so there was no exercise called at all. All outdoor activities were cancelled.

You know, yesterday I ordered a bottle of fizzy drink for Jose – he has no money sent in here at all. I don’t have much money either, but I wanna get him that soft drink. I feel sorry for him. And I don’t want anything for it – I didn’t even tell him I had ordered something for him.

I had a very weird and disturbing visit this morning. Some guy came to my cell and decided to talk to me about prison life. His name is Molo and he is originally from America. African American. He is around 30 years old – I think. He came to UK as a child and been living here since. I saw him on my wing a few times, but never talked to him really. He was a bit forward – came in without asking, sat on my chair and made himself at home. I was too doped on drugs to tell him to fuck off, so I kinda let him talk.

Anyway as he was talking, he suddenly sat next to me on my bed and made a move on me. He basically grabbed my hand and I think he was aiming to kiss me. I pushed him away and stood up. What a dick! Luckily DJ passed by and as I had my cell door slightly opened – I called DJ to pop his head in. Molo looked embarrassed and sat back on the chair. DJ came over and I had to come up with some silly line quickly – I asked him if he received any news about his art course. As DJ got into telling me about it, Molo made his excuses and left. DJ then asked me if I was ok, I told him that I was and I’m a bit tired.

Once DJ left I locked my cell door and went to bed. Slept the whole afternoon and missed my dinner. When I woke up all the cell doors were already locked up. I was starving! These anti-depressants make you so hungry. And I had nothing to eat. Not even a piece of bread.

So what I did I just ate some dry coffee… How sad was that. My kettle is broken, so I couldn’t make myself any coffee – hence I ate a bit. Just to have some taste in my mouth. It was terrible – prison coffee is not Starbucks for sure.

I am still starving and my belly is playing another hunger symphony now. I will only eat tomorrow afternoon lunch time as I also missed the breakfast – remember we get a tiny milk and a tiny pack of cereals with our dinner. And I missed that too this evening.

Nevermind.

Baby, I’m gonna get another anti-depressant now and try to fall asleep. I need to be ready for tomorrow.

Please look after yourself there my love.

Forever yours,

Sebastian