300 Letters - 57. Letter 56 (Cards)

2 February 2016

Dear C,

How are you doing baby? I don't even know why I just called you that. I think I'm used to calling you that name. I need to get it out of my system. It is no longer relevant.I hope you are being looked after there.

There is not much going on here. I wake up, I eat, I brush my teeth, I go to courses, I come back and I stay in my cell. I do paint a lot in my cell though.

My wallboard is now covered with trees. They are so colourful. The colours just burst into this grey reality. It makes me feel good, at peace. Sometimes. I painted a little rabbit and I called it Mieszko... That's the little creature we were planning to get once you were back home for good. I don't think you still remember about it, but I do. And I am going to have it once I'm out. Cliche? Perhaps, but I don't give a fuck.

The music classes are going well now. This software is amazing. Overwhelming. I feel really stupid when I'm working on it. Brian helps me a lot - his knowledge is out of this world. He is also such a nice guy. He is an orderly here (a prisoner who helps teachers run classes). He knows all the little tricks in Cubase (the software) and he is way too fast for me to understand it all when he is showing me them. Crazy! Today I used a real keyboard to create sounds. It was fun. And I have no clue how musicians can create so many beautiful sounds and not only this! To put them all together to create a melody. Hats off!

Now I appreciate Depeche Mode even more! Especially the "Delta Machine" album - how did Martin Gore come up with all those sounds there? Speechless. Well, pure genius - in my opinion at least.
I am assigned to finish the music course on the 29th of March. Familiar date?

The gym is going well too. They go really hard on us and I am extremely tired after each session. However, it is working - I lost in a total of 5 kg now! I still, a lot to go, but it's a start.

Today they played Beyonce's song "Running" as we were doing cardio and I froze. I felt like crying but I composed myself and kept going. I still remember how you told me it was one of your favourite songs of hers.

You know C, they started now playing films on TV that we once watched together. They played "Oblivion" with Tom Cruise yesterday and "Now You See Me" today. It brought all the memories again and put me down. Will I ever be able to watch movies or listen to music without being constantly reminded of you?

There is something new going on here in the evenings now. I have a company of 4 people coming regularly to my cell and we play cards. Typical view when it comes to prison, isn't it? Oh well. Anyway, DJ, Martin, James and Ryan come and we play remik. We actually laugh and listen to music. It's usually 45 minutes before they lock us up for the night. I must say that being with people like them leaves me in good spirits when the door is locked and I'm on my way in my cell. The demons that crawl into my cell each evening have less power over me these days I guess.

I just hope I will go through this for the next 2 years.

Ok, C, let me finish here. You know, I am trying to think of you less these days. I still miss you, unfortunately, but I am trying to occupy my mind with the image of your less and less. I hope it will work.

Please look after yourself.

Forever yours,

Sebastian