300 Letters - 32. Letter 31

22.11.2015

Dear C,

How is my favourite guy doing? Hope you are doing well?

It’s Sunday today and I have been sleeping almost the entire weekend. The antidepressants do their job. I wish I could fall asleep today and wake up the day I will be leaving from here. Or maybe not wake up at all. Doesn’t matter to me really.

I spoke to my mum yesterday on the phone. First, she didn’t pick up the phone so I had to wait 10 minutes and called again. You know, here you can’t just make one call after another. There has to be 10 minutes gap between calls. So even if you get through the answering machine – it is classified as a call and you have to wait another 10 minutes to call again. She was relieved when I called again. Bless her.

She will be coming to London on the 11^th of December and will be seeing me here the next day and the day after. I asked her to see you so she could bring you the polish dumplings (pierogis) – the one you liked so much. As well as your favourite toffee candies. She said she would. I hope you two will be able to meet up. She told me also that she hasn’t heard from you for a few days and it got me worried. She also said that she wasn’t angry with you that you had left me here alone. She believes that the chemo did its job and because of that you act towards me that way. Her best friend Ania thinks the same way.

The only person she is really pissed off with is Roland. She reminded me that it’s because of him our relationship ended. Because I hid from you the fact I had the partnership with him to help him get the UK visa. And you know the moment he got the visa, he came to our place and took my Apple MacBook, iPad and iPhone. Kasia gave him thinking it must have been his. I can’t blame her although I am angry with him. And disappointed. He definitely doesn’t need me anymore now. I bet I will never hear from him ever again. I can live with that.

But knowing you left me here is something I can’t come to terms with.

I actually do not want to love ever again. Love is like a disease. Like a bullet. Like a big lie. It comes to you dressed beautifully and plays the most beautiful tunes, but then it strips you down from everything you started to love. I think I will do just fine without loving anyone.

Yesterday afternoon I dreamt that I came back home after all this and you were waiting for me in Poland. My mum told me she was going out to get some food and she came back with you. You and her organised everything to surprise me, to say you still love me. I was so happy to see you baby and so were you. We both cried. And so did she.

I woke up crying here, but quickly I dried my tears and became numb. I don’t want to love again.

Tomorrow your little sister should start her work experience in my office. I feel excited for her. How I wish I was there for her. But I know Lucia will look after her. She will be in good hands. I am sure of that.

I feel like my life has been paused now and there are so many things happening, but without me. It’s a very sad feeling. It feels like I am dead yet I live. It’s hard to explain.

Your big day is coming too. I never thought there would be a time when I wouldn’t get to spend your birthday with you, by your side. I decided yesterday that I would call you on 24^th. But I wrote a little not to read to you. Otherwise I’d go into a total meltdown and this is the last thing you want to hear. So I will call you being prepared. The moment they will unlock our cells I will call you. A part of me doesn’t want you to pick up the phone, so I can read my greetings and birthday wishes and then I can hang up. But my heart is longing to hear your voice again. So maybe you could ask me if I am doing ok…

I am missing you. Will it ever stop?

Without you nothing makes sense to me anymore.

Forever Yours,

Sebastian