300 Letters - 11. Letter 10 (Colourful Pills)

13.09.2015

Dear C,

I just wanted to tell you that I suffer so much without you. It hurts so bad that I cannot tell the difference between the pain anymore. My heart is dead inside, but somehow I am still alive. I still walk around this cell, but inside of me - there is fire, fire that consumes me deeper and deeper each and every second. I don’t even know what is real anymore.

Or am I actually dead? Have they actually beaten me so hard here that I eventually died…? Or did I succeed and managed to cut my wrists…? And this is my afterlife? Is this how I am going to spend my eternity? In this tiny cell, where some nurse comes to see me once a day pretending she cares? And makes me take all these colourful pills? Where I hear people scream outside my door? Where I wake up in the middle of the night covered with sweat screaming so hard…?

And where are you? Why aren’t you here with me holding my hand? The way I held yours, when you needed me the most…?

I don’t even know what to write anymore. I feel numb. I want to tell you so much, but I have no energy to put words down on the paper... And I know you don’t care.

Please come here. Please save me.

Forever Yours

Sebastian