300 Letters - 21. Letter 20 (The Pumpkin Soup)

31.10.2015

Dear C,

Happy Halloween baby! I hope you are going to get to spend it with your loved ones.

Do you still remember our last Halloween in 2014? We bought these 2 massive pumpkins and turned them into “the scary monsters”. Your was much scarier.

And then you cooked the pumpkin soup! It was lovely. We both had a day off and watched horror movies all day! You got really scared watching “The Woman In Black”! It was so cute!

Even though you denied jumping on the bed or squeezing my hand so hard each time there was a scary moment there – it was so adorable. God, I miss it so bad… I miss you so much.

I saw one of the guards carrying a plastic pumpkin to the office and I nearly broke into tears… I still sometimes wake up thinking this is all just a bad dream. It’s not.

I spend most of my time on my own. However there are a few people I connected a bit. Martin and John – they are both in a double cell, they both seem really nice. John looks very depressed, I spoke to him a few times and he is on the same anti-depressants like me. He said he has put on weight after talking them. I saw him crying in his cell once. This place is like a nightmare – psychological nightmare.

Anyway, I met also a guy called DJ, he is originally from Australia but has been living in UK for a long time. He is in his early 30s and he has been in prisons for over 8 years now, hoping to be released soon. He is an IPP prisoner (imprisonment for public protection), meaning he has no idea when he will be released.

Can you imagine this baby? Not knowing how long you’re going to spend behind bars…? It must be a horrible feeling.

Even DJ told me that he would prefer to get 20 years but to know the end date. It’s all too terrifying to me to be honest baby.DJ is a big Lord of the Rings fan as he displayed a massive poster from the movie with Gandalf on it. He is also gay – the rainbow flag is on his wall too. He seems fine, looks like he is quite intelligent too.

I received another letter from Lisa, she promised she would visit me soon. She said she spoke to you and that you are holding on and that you still love me. I so hope she is right. But the most important thing is for you to be healthy and manage to bit this cancer. I know you will.

I am still a bit devastated after the news that I would probably be deported. I cannot imagine living in Poland again.

Last night someone was shouting half way through the night. I don’t know who it was, but he seemed really aggressive. I think it was on the other part of my landing.

I was thinking the other day how cruel God is. Or rather how he likes to play his little games. Look at us – we did not deserve any of this. Yet we got torn apart in such devastating and spectacular way. I am sure he is laughing at us now.

My art classes are going fine. I am really, really enjoying them. I painted another tree – I don’t know why, but I find some kind of peace and bliss in painting trees. And the colours I use give me the feeling of tranquillity. And I tend to forget where I am.

C, please look after yourself.

Be brave. Be strong please.

Maybe one day I will send you all these letters.

Forever Yours

Sebastian