300 Letters - 84. Letter 83 (Another one cut his throat)

Letter 83

30 April 2016

Dear C,

Another guy committed suicide last night. Apparently it happened around 3 in the morning. He cut his throat - well that's what people have been saying anyway, but I know how everyone likes to exaggerate here. Whatever happened - he is no longer with us. He was in building 7. That's where they keep very old men and very young ones together. I hope he found peace wherever he might be right now.

Life is such a moment. Such a thin rope for some and for some it seems like an unbearable journey they had to embark on. At times I feel like I don't want to be here anymore. I am trying to keep my shit together; I paint, I exercise. I occasionally smile too. I know how to smile, but I don't know happiness anymore.

Just the other day I was dreaming I was standing on one of those busy London streets and I was so hungry. Then I realize I could just go to any shop and buy any food I wanted. What a feeling! So I walked inside this cosy place and I ordered two boxes of sushi, two cokes and two cakes. As I was just about to pay for it, the sales lady reminded me that I am no longer in a relationship and that I don't need to buy anything for two people. First I was shocked at what she was saying, but then I realized that she was telling the truth. And I looked at the food I bought for you as it started to rot right in front of my eyes. Then it started to smell so terribly as some bugs came out of it. I threw it away ahead of me and then I woke up.

I felt so hopeless. I had a little cry in my pillow and tried not to have another meltdown. An hour later when they let us out I put on a fake smile and got on with my day.

I have been painting a lot these days too. Sometimes I look at all of my "artwork" and I'm thinking that it is complete crap. I often feel like throwing all of this away.

And I sometimes get so naively stupid in my head thinking that I could be doing this for a living once I'm out! What an idiot of me. Nobody would ever want to spend a penny on this. Most of the time I don't even know what I'm doing when I paint.

Anyway, I painted this 3 piece painting of 3 flowers in watercolours. I was actually playing with colours here and I wanted to make it quite dreamy. I like the colours of the background though.I am constantly saving money to buy more art materials. It's so expensive. Well it is expensive for me - I earn £7 a week here. For the last 2 weeks, I couldn't buy myself any milk because I am saving for some paintbrushes. And my watercolour paper is going down too and this coasts £14.99 for 10 pieces.

And the worst thing is that I cannot even see or touch the products - they are all in this art catalogue. And I am no art expert so I am not really sure what I'm buying most of the time.

I wonder how it feels like to actually walk into a real art shop and be able to see all these art goods there. It must be amazing. Maybe one day.

I heard on the radio the other day that Beyonce realized her new break up album "Lemonade". I bet you must have been very excited about it. Is it good? Well, what a question to you! Of course, it is... Is she actually getting divorced from Jay Z?

C, I hope you are looking after yourself there. I don't know anymore anything about your recovery progress neither do I know much about your well being. But all I can do is to hope that everything is and will be fine.

I am missing you.

Forever yours,

Sebastian