300 Letters - 81. Letter 80 (Bible?)

Letter 80

23 April 2016

Dear C,

I am writing this letter to you on this very, very cold (but sunny) Saturday evening. We are all locked up for the night and it's extremely quiet. No one is shouting, no one is banging against the door. This silence seems so loud now.

I spoke to my mum the other day and she told me that you posted a new photo on your Facebook and your hair started to grow! How funny - in my previous letter I was talking about your hair and here you go. It's not curly though! I am very pleased as it seems like your life is slowly going back to normal.

I spent my morning at the gym and I improved my previous time on a rowing machine! Last time I did 500m in 2 minutes and 11 seconds and today I managed to do it in 1 minute and 59 seconds. 12 seconds faster! It's a lot. I hate the rowing machine, hence I'm doing this. I am conquering all the aspects of exercising that I don't like doing.

After the gym, I went straight for a jog on the yard with DJ and Andy. I did only 1 mile as I had to go back to my wing to do the morning cleaning duties. Andy made me laugh as we jogged. He is really funny. In the evening after I got my dinner Andy invited me to join him in his cell - so I did. It was actually nice to eat my food in a company of someone else. You would really like him too. Shame, you two will never get to meet.

Do you remember C how we used to always say we would hit the gym and eat healthily? And yet we never did. Well, I am doing this now and I hope you will do it too. Look after your body.

Last night I craved for cherries so badly that I painted them. I love cherries - it's my favourite fruit. I used some acrylic board to do it and it turned out quite nicely. It's very dreamy. I like this kind of style. And it didn't stop me for craving cherries even more now. I hope one day I will get to taste their sweet juice in my mouth again.

Do you know what I actually crave the most these days? Being on the beach. Just to spend an entire day on the beach. I can be there by myself, I don't mind. Just to feel the sand and the water crashing against my feet. I could just sit there and watch the sea until the sunset. With some music in my ears. I hope that once I am out of here I will be able to afford to travel to the place with the beach. I hope.

I often travel to some unknown beach when I'm dreaming at night here. I feel safe when I'm there. Protected. It sounds strange, but that's how it feels. Sometimes it is so intense that I can smell the sand and the water. Waking up and realizing that I am in a tiny prison cell crushes me each time.

This afternoon David came to visit me in my cell. He talked about God a lot. He told me a story about the day when the Holy Spirit hit him like a clap of thunder and he saw the bright light everywhere. What a pile of crap! But I guess if he felt that way back then, it's good for him. He has become very religious and keeps telling me that God has saved him.

Well, if he feels it, that's great. He has done some pretty nasty things in his past. Whatever makes him a better man now counts. He left his Bible in my cell for me to read it, but I'll skip that part of my daily activities. I never read this book and I am not going to. Some sci-fi stories written by some old men being high. No thanks.

I asked God once, I truly asked him deep in my heart back then in the courtroom to heal you from that cancer. I offered myself instead - to be locked away in prison, so you could be alright. And what did I get instead? Nothing. You left me, cancer is still there (I think).

So I am sure God is watching us, laughing away and eating popcorn.

The fact that even God (if he exists of course) left me - made me feel like a completely unwanted piece of trash. Maybe one day I will be able to see my own beauty (if I have it at all) and to continue to be reminded that I am enough, that I am worthy of love without effort, that I am ok in my own way. That the texture of my hair and that the shape of my curves is just fine. That the size of my lips, or nose or the colour of my eyes are fine. And the feelings that I have inside of me are all worthy and okay.

Please look after yourself C.

You're beautiful inside out.

I love you.

Forever yours,

Sebastian.

www.sebastianbauerart.com