300 Letters - 26. Letter 25

7.11.2015

Dear C,

I was wondering today whether your hair started to grow back yet… And how do you actually look these days.

I haven’t seen you for over 3 months now.

Can you imagine?

The longest time apart we had was 3 days – when I had to travel to Poland once to get my ID card. And it seemed like a year then.

You know that I don’t have any photos of you here with me. Obviously my iPhone was taken away from me, including the wallet with your photo in it. It was a tiny photograph of you that you took for your passport when we were getting ready to come to Poland – for the first time for you, so you could meet my mum and her and my friends.

I asked Kasia and Agnes to send me some of your photos, but they disagreed and told me that was not a good idea. I wasn’t pleased, but I suppose in the long run they were right. I just wish I could see your face once more. The closest I get to you (physically) these days is when I lay my head on your belt at night.

I bet you have deleted all of our photos from your Facebook by now – the same way as you have erased me from your life. A dirt under your feet – this is what I am to you now. It’s ok.

One thing you cannot do – make me stop loving you.

Tough shit.

It’s a Saturday today and it has been raining all day long. It’s so windy and cold. The window in my cell doesn’t close properly so it is freezing in here – especially at night. Last night I slept wearing my winter jacket.

I started to have this idea of publishing these letters one day. I don’t know. I am not sure if I will be brave enough to do so. But on the other hand it would be nice to have them gathered all together as a book maybe. Or a blog at least… To publish a book I would need money and I have none of course. With a blog, I am sure I could do it for free. But to be honest I don’t even know if there would be anyone interested in reading these letters. I know you wouldn’t care about it and if I ever decide to publish them, you wouldn’t even know they exist.

It’s still such a long time to go – almost 3 years… Many things can change. I might be killed here one day, it’s a prison after all. And that wouldn’t be so bad anyway – the dirt under your feed would be finally gone.

But if I come out alive out of here and decide and manage to publish that book, I’d like the cover of the book to be green. I know you like that colour and it’s a symbol of hope.

Just like butterflies are.

I’d like to have a drawing of the two hands joined together with the green background. What do you think? I would call the book “Dear C…”

Anyway, my art classes are enjoyable. The teachers are lazy as fuck, they do nothing. I often wonder how demotivating this job for them must be. There is no enthusiasm or passion coming from any of them.

I, however, just do my thing. I paint. I create colours.

The colours give me the light. It’s crazy I know, but this how I feel. I don’t understand that, but this is how I feel.

Is your little sister excited about her working experience in my work place? I hope she is. I am sure Lucia will make it fun for her.

Your birthday is coming. I hope you will get to be at home during that time and you will have as much fun as possible.

I don’t think I will be calling you on that day – from your last email I could easily gather you don’t want me to bother you anymore. I won’t baby. I won’t.

I respect your ways.

Ok baby, let me wrap up here.

I love you.

Forever Yours

Sebastian