300 Letters - 16. Letter 15 (Beyonce and I)

12.10.2015

Dear C,

How are you doing baby?

There is not a single night passing when I wouldn’t have a dream about you.

On one hand I love it as it makes me feel like I am still with you, but on the other hand I hate it – the cold light of day only reminds me how much pain I fell inside of me, in every single bone, in every single blood cell…

Two night ago I dreamt I was at my aunt’s home party. I haven’t seen here in years. Her name is Helena. She has always been my favourite sibling from my mother’s side. But our paths parted long time ago and I haven’t seen her in years. I think she is working in Switzerland these days.

Anyway, I was there and the vibe was good. I remember that the lights were dimmed and some colourful light lit up the entire house. It must have been summer because all of the windows were wide open. It was all happening in my aunt’s flat that I used to spend a lot of time with my cousins Monika and Maciek…

I remember once scene from this dream - so surreal, that even now I am thinking about it.

Beyoncé was there! Yes!

She was there talking to me like we were best friends. I was telling her about you and how I fucked up by not telling you about my civil partnership I had before, how you said you couldn’t trust me anymore and how I suffered. Prison was not mentioned at all, which was weird. She was very sympathetic and asked a lot about your health. I was telling how brave you have been with chemo and all that…

But there was one thing that was the main subject of our conversation. You were invited to come to this party. And I didn’t know whether you would come or not. Beyoncé was as excited as I was and when I asked her (for like million times already) if she thinks you’ll come, she said that everything would be alright. Soon my auntie approached us with some homemade finger sandwiches.… And then it happened. Someone rang the doorbell.

And what?

I woke up!!! I couldn’t believe it! Did you come? What was the end of that dream??? Why did I have to wake up at this very moment???

I tried to go back to sleep, to return to this house, to find out if it was you ringing the door. But I never did. I couldn’t find the way back there.

I cried so hard.

I thought I’d never get up from my bed that day to go to my art classes. I felt that inner darkness was consuming me. I felt like some invisible hands were strangling me.

Eventually I got up, hid my tears and went to my classes.

Art was ok, I am still practising with colours, shapes. One of the orderlies – Adam – is fantastic. He is very helpful and attentive. He has so much knowledge about art. I know absolutely nothing. The tutors – Susie and Maria are fine. Susie works only Mondays (she used to live in Poland before, she is English) and Maria works Tuesdays to Fridays. She is very cool. She likes what I’m doing. I think if I met her on the outside, we would have been good friends. She has beautiful tattoos of butterflies and bears.

That day in the afternoon I broke down in my English class.

Just like that.

We were writing some articles and I just started to cry. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stop. The teacher asked me if I wanted to go back to my cell to calm down and I agreed. She gave me an early pass so I could show it to the guards at the door.

I came back and just cried.

I didn’t go to pick up my dinner that evening. I couldn’t.

Mr. Stewart eventually came to my cell to check on me. He brought me some food and asked me to take it easy. I didn’t even care I was crying in front of him anymore.

The next day I felt stupid though.

Today I feel a bit better.

I am trying so hard to survive each day.

I tried to call you a few times today, but you never picked up the phone. It got me worried for two reasons. First I thought that something bad happened to you, but then I dismissed that thought. After all, I have a deal with God. I am in prison so you can get better.

Then I thought that you decided never to speak to me again. This thought paralyzed me. What if you have changed your number? What if I am now just a thing from the past for you? That thought nearly killed me.

I will try to call you tomorrow. Please pick up C… Please let me hear your voice…I love you so much. So fucking much.

Forever Yours

Sebastian