300 Letters - 34. Letter 33 (The Future)

25.11.2015

Dear C,

I was back to the beach.

This time it was very windy and cold. I could almost feel the wind on my face (I suppose that was the real wind blowing inside my cell through that fucking broken window). I was freezing. The beach was empty as usual and the lighthouse was there too. For a moment I thought I could see someone walking inside there, but I didn’t pay much attention to it. The only thing I was paying attention to was the feeling of something trying to push me towards the cold sea water.

Even though I was standing far from the sea I felt like I was being pushed towards it. And I didn’t want to be anywhere near that cold water, but I couldn’t help it.

Then I woke up.

I got another e-mail from Lisa, she seems to be worried about me. Bless her.

I replied to her and asked her if she could help you out getting a job once you are back on track. I don’t think you working in Argos would be the best idea. Working with someone like Lisa and doing an office job would be the best for you in my opinion. She is a great boss, a bit of a drama queen, but at least you would laugh a lot with her. And I am sure she would look after you. So let me handle it from here, once she comes to visit me I will speak to her about it. I will ask her not to tell you that I was behind this anyway. I just want you to have the best possible job outcome once you are ready to start a new job.

Maybe you could even find your own place after some time and settle down.

I was wondering today how Cindy’s work experience is going… Hope she is enjoying it.

I saw a woman from well-being clinic today, she was worried about me, she gave me more anti-depressants. I am not sure if I really want to take them. I don’t want to turn into a zombie.

This morning they brought a new guy to our wing. He is English and he looks like a zombie. He must be in his 30s yet he looks like he is 60 years old. Some guys know him already. Apparently he was here before. His trade mark is to cut himself so much that the entire floor would be covered with blood. And he does that to get attention or if the screws (the term describing officers here) don’t want to give him what he wants.

I passed him by on a corridor this morning and he gave me a dirty look, but I ignored him. I actually feel sorry for him a bit. I hope he won’t cut himself again. I saw his arms – covered with bandages and wounds.

DJ came to my cell today and he was telling me all about the pagan stuff and how he believes in fortune telling. He has tarot cards in his cell and said he would try them with me one day. Not sure if I believe in all this, but it would be interesting to see what some cards can tell about my future. Or if there is any future for me there at all.

There is another guy on my landing – Ryan. He looks like 12 years old kid. With the most yellow teeth I have ever seen. His cell looks like a trash hole. He seems to get attached to DJ a lot (they have cells opposite to each other). That Ryan gives me creeps, but DJ tolerates him.

C, let me finish now. I want to write a letter to my mum now and also to Agnes.

I hope you are ok? Please look after yourself there.

Forever Yours,

Sebastian