300 Letters - 59. Letter 58

10 February 2016

Dear C,

How is everything there? It's late at night now and I can't sleep. My cell is freezing cold. I managed to fix myself a second blanket - even though it's full of holes it gives me some cover at night.

I met my case supervisor today - Andrew. I was called to some office and he introduced me to my case manager Victoria. It was done over the speaker phone. Andrew is a very nice guy, I told him about you and he was sympathetic - maybe it's his job, I don't know.

Anyway Victoria seemed not so nice. She asked me many questions about the case and suggested that I would do some programs to help me when I get out. All of these programs are designed to people who committed a crime. I didn't. So I basically told her she can go to hell. She wasn't pleased. Andrew laughed. She got pissed off. I could tell. I told her that the only victim in my case is me. She wasn't impressed. But I didn't care. I know the truth.

Anyway, Andrew then took over and she suggested to him to keep me out of the programs. Fine with me. After she hang up, Andrew laughed and told me I really pissed her off. She wasn't expecting a foreigner to know English so well and she thought I would be a "yes" man.

Oh well. We also talked about my deportation and that I might be getting 9 months off my sentence if I sign the papers and won't create any issues. That was difficult. At this stage I cannot imagine I could leave UK and leave London... This is my home now. How can I find myself somewhere else? I don't know.I must admit that the meeting brought the bad demons back again. I was drained.

Talking about the trial, police etc made me re-live everything again. I told her that it took me almost a year to tell you about my case being scared that you would leave me. When I got back to my cell I burst in tears. But then I shook it off knowing I had to deal with this shit. Writing to you is like I am speaking with you. Like I am able to tell you all my worries and sorrows and you listen. I know it's a fantasy, but it helps. A little at least.

But you know what I did today? I was pretty stressed so I grabbed some pencils and did A4 sized elephant drawing. Then I added some simple colours. Doing this calmed me down. Creating art takes me to a place where there is no sadness.Oh, I told them about these letters and that one day I would publish them, she said it was a fantastic and original idea. Nice of her.

Today I received 2 books from Agnes. I was so surprised! She is such a darling. Both books are dedicated to art and one of them speaks about selling art online.One guy here has been caught selling some drugs. Apparently he was bullying others to get him their prescribed medication (mostly anti-depressants) and then he was selling them for tuna cans or noodles and biscuits. That's the currency here. As silly as it might sound to the outside world here it's a serious business.

Ok, let me wrap up here. I think I am getting sleepy. Look after yourself there.

Forever yours,

Sebastian