300 Letters - 55. Letter 54 (Suicide)

22 January 2016

Dear C,

It has been raining all day. It's Friday and the afternoon exercise was cancelled earlier today. I only got a chance to speak briefly to Geoff - my American friend. He was extremely excited as his partner Robert was coming to see him this weekend on both days. I was very pleased to hear all about it, as Geoff was just booming with joy. Geoff was very heart broken when his boyfriend decided to leave him, but it seems like they are back together now. Seems like sometimes love wins.

And in the afternoon I got a bit angry. All I got from you were 2 emails: full of malice and hate. Two emails within half a year. And then I remembered how badly you treated your ex-boyfriends too - how much you used to laugh at them and how much you actually hated them. I never really paid that much attention to it back then, when we were together, but now it all makes sense to me. You did make me believe I was a special person in your life. How silly of me? I should have known better - I'm old enough. I guess my trust was endless. It will never be the same to anyone ever again for sure.

All I can say now is that when you meet another guy and fall in love with him, remember people go through thin and thick. Don't pick and choose and then run away. Yes, I know there are different layers of thin and you should judge them wisely if anything. I'm saying those things as a man who still loves and misses you. but I hope those feelings will fade away - as soon as possible.

And maybe one day we will be able to meet for dinner or something and laugh about it, although with your stubborn heart and the amount of hate you carry, I doubt we ever will. I wish you well, I couldn't wish any better to anyone else, but I do realize now that we are becoming history. But maybe we will meet one day, no one knows.

Topic change: I read in the papers today that Beyonce is recording a new album. You must be over the moon. I wonder if she's gonna drop it without any announcement as she did before. Well, either way - you must be pleased either way.

Art classes are going fine. I started working with acrylics now - I like it, although I still prefer watercolours. Working with a huge amount of water gives my paints an opportunity to mix and blend so magically. Acrylics have visible edges to the colours and blending them is less fun for me.

They brought a new guy here on my landing. He cuts himself all the time. And by doing this, he is looking for attention. The moment he has new wounds on his arms, he rolls up his sleeves to show it to everyone. And when you ask him, if he just did new cuts, he proudly talks about it. And he can't stop! I learnt my lesson now and I just ignore him. I do feel sorry for him because it is still wrong and he needs help either way, but I cannot handle him talking about his cuts for 1-hour non-stop.

When I tried to cut my wrists I wasn't talking about it to anybody. It's not something that I am proud of. I regret it now, but that was then and this is now. There is another guy downstairs who tries to commit suicide every now and then. But he always does it with his cell door wide open. He then screams his goodbyes to everyone and bangs his walls. So he is always "miraculously" saved by someone. Bullocks.

If you really want to take your own life - you will do it quietly and you'll make sure no one will be there to rescue. So all these people being somehow "found" are attention seeking, self-pity human beings. Ok, I tried to take my life the day you left me and I failed. But only because my plastic knife wasn't sharp enough to go through my thick skin! Ok, I got some scratches on my wrists but I just couldn't do it properly. And after maybe 5 minutes I realized what I was doing. So I threw that knife away and fell onto the floor crying. But I wasn't talking about it. They only find out when I went to see the nurse and she saw the bruises on my wrists.

So those people screaming and shouting they will commit suicide have no balls to do it and they will always be magically rescued by others. I feel sorry for them too, they need psychological help for sure.

Ok C, let me wrap up here. Writing about all this made me exhausted. Let me try to sleep now.

I hope you are doing fine. I wonder if you received that parcel with your favourite Polish food from my mum?

Forever yours,

Sebastian