300 Letters - 35. Letter 34 (The worst goodbyes)

28.11.2015

Dear C,

I got an email from Lucia today and she told me all about Cindy’s work experience in the office! I was so happy to read that she really liked that. And they all treated her like a little lady! I am so pleased.

Lucia told me that they all knew she was the sister of my boyfriend (well, ex-boyfriend now), so she got a special treatment. Wonderful.

Lucia mentioned also that you have been doing really good and you had your last treatment yesterday (Friday). I am not sure if she meant your last chemo? Treatment?

I am not sure what she meant, but either way – I am so pleased you are doing fine.

Lucia said that she believes you still love me, she said she saw it in your eyes…

But I do remember how much you hated your every single ex (Sam, Hugo and Mike) and I am pretty sure I am one of them now that you probably hate the most.

I am trying to deal with it daily, but believe me – it’s fucking hard in prison.

It’s been raining all day today – I didn’t even bother to go out for exercise today. I called my mum, she is doing fine.

David came to my cell and we had a long chat. We talked about life and destiny. He told me he is happy I am recovering now (am I?)… He joked that he would take your belt away from me (the one I sleep on at night), but I told him I’d never let him do so. I told him that maybe I should do art as my future business and he loved that idea. Then he said: let’s talk about C! I laughed.

He always tries to talk very little about you as he knows how painful it is for me. He even laughed that he would start mentioning your name in his sleep because of me.

Jose also came to visit me. I told him about us today and he told me that we never had a chance to see each other after all this and explained things.

The most painful goodbyes are the ones that were never said and explained.

He said that our story is like a movie. He couldn’t believe that everything happened for us at the same time. Within 3 months our worlds were turned into dust.

When I think about it, it’s very heart-breaking. How come God (if he exists at all) would allow that to happen? All we had was pure love for each other. Well, at least from my side. David often tells me to allow God in my life, but I am not going to do so. I don’t hang out with cruel dudes who have fun seeing others suffer. No thank you.

Anyway me and Jose became closer recently. It’s funny how we became like this.

On the outside we would never be friends. We are too different, way too different. But here things are taken from a different perspective I guess. I wonder if I ever meet here and become close to that I normally wouldn’t do. Time will tell.

Lucia told me also that she would come to visit me in December or January and that she would ask you if you want to come with her. I know you won’t come, but it’s nice of her to offer.

Today I also got an email from Agnes. It was so beautiful. She was telling me how her and Sipi (you remember him – Agnes’ boyfriend) are totally different, yet they belong together.

And she said something really touching, she said that one thing they have in common is that they both love me. OMG… it brought tears to my eyes.

I love them both.

Ok my love, I’m gonna end this letter here.

I wish I could touch your hand now. Just for a moment.

I love you.

Forever Yours,

Sebastian