300 Letters - 43. Letter 42

18.12.2015

Dear C,

How are you doing C?

I have been having that awful feeling lately that you have been suffering a lot in hospital. I hope I am totally wrong, but this feeling is just in me.

Christmas is on the way now and I really hope you will get to spend it at home with your family. I wonder if Sarah comes to visit you? And your other friends too...?

God has a sick, sick sense of humour. I hope we provided good entertainment. I remember saying to myself the day you told me the news about your cancer, that if we were not to be given a chance to find heaven, I would walk through hell with you.

So I am going through this hell with you, even now when you left me here alone - I am standing there by you. Even if you can't see me. I am there, holding your hand my love.

But all that matters now is your health. This motherfucking cancer has to go. No other option.

My life here is the same. Time, however, sped up a little bit this week. I am quite surprised it is another weekend already.

I finally got to the gym. C...! It was a disaster. Oh, my love. I am so unfit! There are 7 guys in this group. All doing weight loss programme and 2 of them are on a drug addict thing and they are getting these sessions to help them get rid of the addiction. Weight loss people are being weighted once a week (Monday morning) to see the progress. If within first 3 months you do not lose any weight - you are out.

This programme is treated as a part of education scheme, so we get paid for it - as we would work in workshops etc. So in these circumstances - it is almost perfect.

Anyway as I got there I was the new bee and no one cared of course. We did exercises off the DVD called T25. C, I thought I would die. I was like an elephant trying to do ballet! OMG! After 5 minutes I was out of breath and thought I would collapse. On top of everything, I did not have my breakfast so I felt dizzy all the time. They had to sit me down on a chair next to the door so I could get some fresh air. Disaster. No idea how these people can do the entire 25 minutes of such intense exercises!

But you know what? I am not fucking giving up! I will do it for you. I will lose weight and look great when I'm out.

But when I got back to my cell on that day I threw up 3 times in my cell. I was so weak I couldn't even take a shower.

Even now - it is 3 days after the first exercises - I can hardly walk.

But that’s good – no pain no gain.

They gave me a weekly food plan where I should write things I eat daily so they can look at it and tell me what I do wrong. I go to this weight loss programme twice a week so far; normally it is 3 times a week, but because I do art classes in the morning I do it twice. When I finish art I will be attending 3 times a week. If I survive it. It's like a military camp. But I am not planning to give up. I hope.

I have also seen a guy called Andrew. He is my "offender" supervisor. I still cannot believe I have been labelled an "offender". If I think about it my brain just melts. Anyway, Andrew was rather nice, he told me I can apply to remain in the UK because I have been living here for more than 10 years now, however, I might be kept in prison longer as they are very slow with all the paperwork and I cannot be released until the decision is made.

Imagine staying here a day longer! Now, if I, however, decide to sign deportation papers, I shall be granted a 9-month early release scheme. It means I could leave prison 9 months earlier! Now imagine this...! How tempting.

But I cannot imagine living in Poland again. To be honest C, it is all up to you now. If you want me to stay - I will. Even If I have to stay in prison longer, just to be with you one day - I will. But if you don't care - I have nothing keeping me here anymore. If you change your mind about me baby - I will stay.

So for now, I am not going to sign anything.

I still have time. Baby, let me finish here.

I am getting tired and it's almost midnight now. I will write soon.

I love you.

Forever yours,

Sebastian