300 Letters - 25. Letter 24

6.11.2015

Dear C,

How is everything? I know I wrote to you yesterday, but I felt like I wanted to put a few words to you today too. It kind of helps me to go on without you. It’s almost like I am being able to talk to you – even though you are not here.

Yesterday I tried to call you so many times, but you never picked up the phone. I guess you knew it was me, but couldn’t be bothered… Or you were busy with something. I don’t know.

All I know that I need to get myself together and start moving on. But it’s so hard, it’s so fucking hard.

I am locked up here with my thoughts and memories that haunt me all the time.

I can’t go out somewhere like cinema, a friend or a pub to forget about you. I can’t meet new people to erase you from my head. I can’t meet anyone new to lay my love elsewhere. Being heartbroken in prison is excruciating. Each passing moment brings me close to another nervous breakdown, but I keep fighting. I don’t even know, what I am fighting for anymore, but I keep fighting.

I got some emails from Kasia and Agnes in which, they both told me to move on. Agnes said that I am not strong enough to support you – and so are you. We are both going through unimaginable nightmares and we are too weak to be there for one another. I do feel though, like I am never too weak to be there for you. When I was abused, harassed and beaten up, all that mattered to me was you. Mentally and emotionally I was there for you. My will to survive then was so strong – only because of you. Now it’s million times harder.

There is no more “because of you”…

I realised also, how important the people around me are, like my mum, Kasia, Agnes, Lucia, Lisa. They encourage me as much as they can. And I am sure that your friends are there for you too, at least Sara is. The only difference is, that I care about you so fucking much and you have almost become empty inside. And maybe because of that emptiness you cannot connect with me anymore…

Two birds with broken wings will never fly away together, no matter how much they will try to help each other. These birds need to go separate ways to fix their wings and to heal…Maybe one day I will paint those 2 broken and bruised birds…

My life here is very steady. Almost boring. I do the same things every day. It almost seems like everything is moving in slow motion. Art classes are going fine. A new tutor joined in – Maria. She is very cool. I’d be friends with her if we had met in other circumstances. I did a small piece today with acrylic paints – something new to me. I didn’t even know what I was doing – as always. And eventually I wrote on it: “today I choose peace”. I wish I could find my peace. If it was just that easy like writing it on a piece of paper…

I will never be an artist, I know I will never be good at it, but at least colours I create help me find the imitation of my peace. Just for a few hours.

I talk quite a lot to David and Jose. They sometimes come to my cell. David is an odd character, but I think he has a good heart. I don’t know. I am very confused sometimes what people truly want from me here. Jose and I connected on a music level – he loves his music and so do I. Plus we love watching The Big Bang Theory – it’s on channel 4 every evening.

Do you remember when we bought first 5 seasons on a blu ray discs and watched it for days? We laughed so hard…

My dear C, I will wrap up here.

Look after yourself there. Get better, please.

I hope, I truly do – that one day soon your stupid cancer will become a distant memory to you and your loved ones.

Forever Yours

Sebastian