300 Letters - 53. Letter 52 (4 kg down!)

14 January 2016

Dear C,

It seems like winter has arrived in full. This morning we got here first snow - not much, just some on the ground. The place looked so peaceful. The gym session was cancelled this morning due to the arrival of some new equipment. I mean it's not new, it's recycled. I don't think prison would spend money to buy a piece of brand new gym equipment.

Anyway, today I was all day in my cell. Luckily my art materials arrived! After almost 2 months of waiting for it. Prison can definitely teach you how to be patient. I remember how it used to be when I was outside - everything needed to be done immediately. No patience at all. Now, I am learning how to just wait. So I received all my brushes, my acrylic A4 paper, watercolour paints and watercolour pencils and also some graphite pencils. I got myself so busy painting in my cell that I nearly forgot about the whole world. I tested everything and ended up painting 3 additional 'magic trees'.

I hope art will help me to survive this nightmare here.

Today is also David's 71st birthday, so I painted him a little card with a tree on it and I managed to get a few guys to sign it. He is definitely not the most popular guy in here so getting anyone to sign this card for him was a miracle. I also bought him some cakes and sweets from the canteen last week. He was very happy with it all and we invited DJ, Martin and Jose to join us and eat the sweets. I had a tiny spoon of the cake as I am trying to watch what I eat.

I am quite happy how the diet goes and my exercises - now I have lost 4 kg in total.

I got 2 letters today - one from my mum and one from my friend back home Agnieszka. My mum sent me some postcards of Łódź and Agnieszka's letter was extremely nice and positive. She told me how much she liked my tree I painted for her and that she carries it in her bag for good luck. How nice of her.

If I ever sign deportation agreement it is going to be extremely weird to be living in Poland again. I don't know anybody there anymore and those few I do - they have their own lives now. I will feel so extremely out of place. How will I handle this? I don't know. Signing deportation means that I will lose everything and everyone I know. I am not sure if I have enough strength to start my life all over. Believe it or not but I sometimes think that I will wake up from this dream and I will be back home in London with you next to me. With no prison and no cancer. One can always dream.

Now I need to stick to 2 things: my art and my gym. I hope I can do it and this will help me here. There is this feeling inside of me, feeling of knowing that I have nothing left to lose. It's a horrible kind of feeling of emptiness inside, but I suppose I have nothing else left, but to go on.

How are you? I hope you are getting better with each new day now. I know basically nothing about your health these days, so I can only express my hope. Please look after yourself.

I miss you.

Forever yours,

Sebastian