300 Letters - 18. Letter 17 (The Visit)

21.10.2015

Dear C,

How is my baby doing? How is your belly? I spoke to my mum yesterday and she told me you had some bad stomach pain.

I remember how you used to have it when I was coming to visit you in the hospital too… Baby, I hope the pain will go away soon. It’s the chemo effect. Please be brave my love.

I got an email from Lucia today. She tried to cheer me up. She said that she spoke to you and that she would be taking you to lunch once you are permitted to leave the hospital. OMG – how much I wish I could join you guys… Lucia is such a wonderful person, so caring. I cannot believe she actually cares for me and you… I only worked with her for 3 months. She is a friend for life. I miss her a lot you know… She asked me in her email to promise her that I will be strong. That I will not give up and survive all this. To think about my future. I truly appreciate all this. I really hope that I will be able to see her again one day.

Last night a guy a few doors down had an epilepsy attack in the middle of the night. There was so much noise and banging. Eventually someone came to get him to the nurse. Poor guy. I felt so sorry for him.

Kasia and Agnes came to visit me a few days ago!

It was so emotional. I tried so hard not to cry… I enjoyed seeing them so, so, so much. Just seeing two people that you know really care for you was overwhelming… I love them so much. We talked a lot, they tried to make me laugh. They bought me a Mars bar and a can of Dr. Pepper and diet coke. You have no idea what a joy it was to taste it again. I just cannot thank them enough for coming to see me. We talked about my future. We talked about you. I tried to talk about you a lot (then I cried), but they both tried to change subject. Agnes was quite angry with you that you left me when I needed you the most, but I told her that your health matters the most to me.

You know, as we sat there and kept talking for a moment I forgot that I was in prison, I felt like a human being again… 2 hours went so quick and we had to say goodbye. We held hands and hugged. Agnes cried on the way out and so did I. But when I came back to my cell – then I just couldn’t stop crying.

Someone told me here that it’s always very difficult during the first visits. You know babes, when I saw Agnes and Kasia leaving through the “outside” door and I had to go back inside – it was horrible.

I don’t know how I would react if you ever decide to visit me... I know you probably never will, but if you do…

In my art classes today I met a guy called Jose. He is originally from Portugal, but lives in London. Guess where? Your area! Bermondsey! Small world. He lives close to Old Kent Road – near Argos. Can you believe it? He has now moved to the cell right in front of me.

He has around 3 years to go and he has been in prison for almost 2 years now. He seems to be very relaxed and cool. He seems to have a good sense of humour too.

You know C, I wish you could see my artwork… I used watercolour pencils today, I never knew they existed. It’s really cool. You use these pencils as normal, then you take a wet brush and it looks like paint. Amazing. I did another “magic tree”. I love painting trees.

I received a short letter from a girl called Adriana. She was working in my office. She was very supportive of me, the letter was very touching. She said that everybody was deeply in shock when they found out what happened to me. She asked me to be strong and never give up.

The other day a guy called David came to my cell and told me, that there is a group called “Real Voices” here and they support the LGBT community. They have meetings once a month and if I want to come I am welcomed. I am not really into this and I don’t think I will be coming. I don’t really want to socialise with many people here.

You know, I often wonder if you ever think of me at all. Or am I just a thing from the past to you. I know that you have so much on your mind now and I always say that your health comes first. But you have no idea how much it would mean to me if you could only just send me a short email asking if I’m ok… Or that you worry about me. Or to tell me to be strong…

C, I am going to wrap up here.

Please look after yourself there my love.

Be brave, be strong.

I love you.

Forever Yours

Sebastian