300 Letters - 20. Letter 19

29.10.2015

Dear C,

How are you doing my love? How are you handling the chemo? Have the doctors said anything yet?

I spoke to my mum and she told me that everything is going ok. I hope baby, I hope…

I met with a guy called Andrew. He is my “offender supervisor”. Funny the name – I am not any offender.

Anyway, he did like a short interview with me, asked me some basic questions. He asked about my case. He also said that I will need to meet with my “offender manager” at some point too. Basically they are the people that set the plan of action for me while I am in prison.

Well, it is not going to be easy for them as I maintain my innocence and I am not willing to attend any of the courses here – the ones that are supposed to “fix you”, so you shouldn’t commit any crime again in the future. What crime? I am the victim in this circus. I’m lost for words…

Anyway, he told me that there is a possibility that I could be deported back to Poland…!

How?

I mean my life is here in UK. I can’t just go back to Poland! I haven’t lived there for 16 years!

He told me I could appeal to it etc. but in a current political situation in UK they are willing to kick as many foreigners out of the country as possible.

I am devastated. I cannot imagine myself being back in Poland. I don’t know anyone there. Only my mother. Plus how can I leave you? Yes, a part of me still believes we will go through this hell and will be together again. My headache never stopped since I met this guy. I don’t know what to do, nowhere to go to check anything, no Google to use to find out more. Here nobody cares.

I spend my days here talking to that guy David a lot. He knows (or he think he knows) the prison system inside out. And he seems to be a very proud man because of this knowledge. I feel really sorry for him. I wish never to have his kind of “wisdom”… The less I know about the prison – the better.

C, I will wrap up here. It’s almost 10pm now and I want to sleep. This headache is killing me.

I will write to you soon. I love you so much. How I wish you could hold me tight. And I could fall asleep in your arms.

Forever yours,

Sebastian