300 Letters - 31. Letter 30 (Food For Sex)

20.11.2015

Dear C,

Another week has passed and another terrorist attack! This time in Africa. They didn’t show much on BBC here, but I saw some footage. Please be careful there in London. I have this terrible feeling it will happen there soon. It’s weird, but seems that places like prison is the safest to be, when the terrorist attacks happen. Silly I know, but kind of true.

Jose was talking about it today and I had to agree. Then I thought that if there was a zombie outbreak – again prison could be the safest place – or the most deadliest if one of the guards turn into one. God, I don’t even know what is going on with my head and am I saying these stupid things.

I got a letter from my mum today and she told me that you are very tired and that you sleep a lot. I started to cry reading this because I can’t be there with you. Just to hold you. I wish I could cook for you my so-called Chinese soup – the one you loved so much. Or the hot shrimp salad – the one with spicy sausages, dry tomatoes, garlic and spinach leaves. I wonder if you still remember it…

Baby, I was wondering if there is any progress with you bone marrow transplant? Did they find the donor yet? And if so, when will you have the operation? I am glad you are resting a lot. I can only imagine how tired you must feel. Please do what the doctors say.

I did a small painting of the beach today. I guess I got inspired by the dream I had recently. I used acrylic paints and I must I am not a big fan of these. I prefer watercolours way more. I can blend colours so much better with them. It feels almost magical when I watch one colour blends with another. Anyway, people in my art class loved that painting, including the tutor Maria – but I am not so sure about it.

You know that today marks 4 months since my court case started. It seems like it’s been 4 years though. And I have so many months to go. I don’t even want to think about it. It scares me.

I received a short letter from Lisa today. I miss her a lot. She promised she’d visit me soon. I cannot wait. I so want to see a friendly face again.

I keep hearing that song “Faded” on the radio and I love it so much. Especially the lines: “was it all in my fantasy” and “were you only imaginary”… I thought to myself – was our happiness together only in my fantasy? Was it all just my imagination? Not having a single trace of our time together here (photos, videos etc.) plays with my mind. I only have all of this in my heart. I asked Kasia to send me your photograph here but she refused…

I met a guy here called Graham. He is in his late 50s and he is known here for grooming other guys. Basically, he buys lots of food from the canteen and asks guys to come to his cell to have sex with him. Can you imagine? He invited me to his cell before to show me a photo of him on some holidays, but I never walked inside – I just stood in the door. His cell is covered with candies, crisps, coke etc. And it’s so dark – the curtains on his windows were shut. I felt very uncomfortable – I just stood there for 5 minutes then made my excuses and left.

He has been weirdly smiling at me since then, but I try to ignore him. There are so many weirdos here C, you wouldn’t believe it.

Baby, I’m going to wrap up here. I feel very tired, don’t know why. It’s almost midnight now. I hope I can go back to that beach from my childhood the moment I close my eyes. I don’t want to dream anything else. Just the sea.

Forever Yours,

Sebastian