300 Letters - 28. Letter 27 (ARTPOP)

13.11.2015

Dear C,

Happy anniversary of Lady Gaga’s ARTPOP album!

Remember how I surprised you with the shiny new CD with additional DVD of her performance on iTunes Festival?

And not only that – that was the day we moved in together in Wandsworth. Wasn’t it great?

The first day and night in our own place. We turned it something special, didn’t we? I felt like the happiest guy ever, although the prospect of the court case was looming over my head and I was getting more and more withdrawn and scared of everything – mostly of losing you if I told you about it.

But I tried my hardest to make every day count for us and to make sure we are living a good life. I had days when I felt numb – especially at nights. Sometimes I just laid there next to you paralysed with fear. As I was watching you sleep, I sometimes cried – that how scared I was. But in the morning I put everything behind me and I put a smile on my face to enjoy a new day with you.

Here now I struggle a lot. And I know you don’t care if I’m ok here, I know that. But you see each day is a real struggle. I am balancing between a total breakdown and that little hope that maybe everything will alright one day. And by saying this I still mean that we could be together again one day.

I sometimes try to fool myself saying that I don’t care about you, but it’s a lie. You are the only person in this world I care so much. Everything reminds me of you. Everything.

Just now – there was some Argos advert on TV – and all I could see was you telling me your daily stories from your work in Argos.

I am wondering how is your mother’s attitude towards you now? Does she still think you are evil because you are gay? I know she was coming to see you in the hospital, but I wonder how she really thinks. That what scares me a lot – what if you don’t have anyone there who could truly care for you, when you need it the most. I feel so hopeless because I can’t be there with you. It’s terrible.

I wrote a letter to prison’s governor today to allow me but some art materials, so I could paint in my cell. People are allowed to do that. There is a special art catalogue here that you can order from, it’s called Specialist. The prices are so high comparing to what I earn here. My 7 pounds a week can’t even cover half a box of the cheapest watercolour paints. So I asked the governor to allow me use the money that I have on my private account – my mum sent me 50 pound last week. I hope she will let me.I would love to be able to paint in my cell.

Evenings are the worst.

I just lay down on my bed and cry. And I can’t help it! When will my tears dry for good? Maybe if I painted I would forget a bit about everything...

Today David came to my cell with his coffee. He was telling me about his wife – French woman who lives in France. She is coming to visit him next weekend – all 3 days! He is so excited. She is coming all the way from France. And you know what – she is totally blind, so she is travelling with a guide dog. Bless her.

I have noticed David is not very popular with other prisoners here. They call him a “grass” or “snitch”. I am pretty sure he reports everything back to the office, but I don’t care. I have nothing to hide. People smoke here for sure and smoke weed too. But it’s not my business. Someone told me today – his name is Adrian, that David apparently killed his other cellmate with a metal chair in another prison years ago and ate his brain… OMG! Can you imagine? And he is my current companion! When I think about it, I can’t even digest that thought. And I kind of believe what Adrian said, after all David has been in prison since 1950 something… It’s mad. It’s so scary too. What if he decides to kill me here one day – for no reason? But on the other hand it would quite alright, as long he does it quick so I don’t have to feel the pain for too long. Then if he wants to eat my brain – go ahead, bon appetite. I don’t care.

I suppose I am just too tired to live.

If there was only a way to switch my life off for good. Like switching some machine off. Wouldn’t it be great?

I had a chat with the nurse from wellbeing clinique and she was worried about me a bit I think. She told me I need to try to find something to keep me going. Hence I am trying to order art stuff. They also have a Weight Loss programme at the gym here. There are 3 sessions a week and you do special exercises to help you lose weight. Maybe I should try that? After all I could lose some weight.

I have lost some already, but more is required. Maybe I should do that. At the moment the antidepressants make me feel very sleepy most of the time, can’t even imagine doing any physical exercises. There is a short guy here who jogs every day as long as he can – he is like a robot. His name is Graham.

Maybe one day I will try too, but I will never be able to do what he does.

C, how much I wish I was free.

You have no idea how tired I am of this prison. I wanna feel like a human being again.

I love you.

Forever Yours,

Sebastian