300 Letters - 49. Letter 48 (How do I fix my heart?)

4 January 2019

Dear C,

I miss you...I have been missing you so much. The last few days were tough.

I miss your company. I miss the way you used to kiss me when you came home. Your lips looked funny when you were reaching out for my lips.

I miss looking into your eyes, I miss your hair and the way I used to smell it at night. I miss the way you used to say 'Good morning' and 'How are you' in Polish. I miss cooking you breakfasts when we were both off work. I miss spending the lazy days with you when we used to watch "Friends" or "Big Bang Theory" in bed together. I miss the days when we just enjoyed each other.

I miss falling asleep next to you. I miss the world we once built, something that was so precious for both of us. The world no one had access to.

Here my world is too hard to bare. I keep on trying to carry on, but the demons in my head are ruthless. Sometimes I have no energy to do anything, and it's not like there is plenty to do here anyway.

David came a few times to visit me here and he told me he could see I was suffering. I tried not to break into tears in front of him. He suggested I should turn to God and read the bible. LOL. Like it would help me. Like there is someone called God who would listen to me and help me. I have never read the bible and I am not going to. Pile of rubbish. But I appreciate David's effort to cheer me up. He seems to genuinely worry about me. I often forget he is a guy who murdered people and according to some ate one guy's brain. Lovely.

I feel this fire burning inside of me and it's full of rage, sadness and despair. You know that I often catch myself thinking it is just a nightmare I am going to wake up from. How pathetic is this?

Someone on my corridor has just started shouting. And now he is banging against the metal door with something heavy. It's just crazy.

Somebody, please wake me up.

Forever yours,

Sebastian