300 Letters - 4. Letter 3

5.08.2015

Dear C,

How are you baby…? How is chemo going? God, I am so sorry, that you are suffering there without me… It’s such a stupid question – “how is chemo going” – I know how horrible it is…

Do you get visits from your mum? Has Kasia visited you yet? Or Lisa?I’m not feeling too well at the moment.

My back still hurts after they pushed me from the stairs. And the bed I’m sleeping on has a very thin mattress – so all these metal bars are piercing through my body at night. I don’t have a blanket either to make it a bit softer. I only have my suit jacket, but I cover myself with it. It’s a bit cold in the mornings, but it’s ok. The worst thing about that jacket is, that it stinks really bad – I wiped my floor a few times with it after the toilet had overflown… Anyway, it’s better than nothing.

I miss our bed so much. Our pillows. I miss the silence. I miss the smell of your body. I miss seeing your face every morning when I woke up. I miss our breakfasts in bed and watching “Friends” all day long with you. I miss your laughter. Sometimes I think I can hear it here. I imagine you are calling my name…

Last night in my cell I sat on a tiny, metal chair and looked at the window up on the wall. The sky was full of stars. I started talking to you – like you were just next to me. I even held my hands together, pretending it was you holding me… I couldn’t stop crying, but I kept talking to you. I know I must be strong for you and I’m trying to be strong, but it is so painful baby. But I will not give up – I promise. They can beat me up here, but I will not give up, I have you to live for.

You know, sometimes I think how hard we knocked on heaven’s door, how much we wanted to get in – but they denied our access. They told us to go away and now they separated us. Now – when you need me the most… Who is holding your hand there, when you feel weak and lonely...? Who is trying to make you laugh when you’re feeling down…?

I just can’t accept the fact, that I am not there for you baby…But we will go through this hell. We will - I promise.

Yesterday in the afternoon, the guy who lives next to me, hit me on my head and told me it was for the smell coming from my cell. I tried to explain to him, that it was not my fault, that I don’t even use that toilet, but then he grabbed me and started to strangle me shouting to shut up… So I kept quiet, I just wanted him to let me go…

This morning, one of the guards walked into my cell to ask me why I didn’t come to pick up my food for a few days now. I explained to him that I wasn’t hungry. He then started yelling and said, that he didn’t give a fuck whether I eat or not, but he didn’t want to be in trouble, as the governor is very strict on food policy… He said, he couldn’t care less if I die here or not – as long as it is not on his shift – then he would have to do lots of paperwork regarding removal of my body and the cause of my death. I apologised to him and told him I would go to pick up my food from now on. I am just so scared to go there - after that guy was attacked in the queue in front of me…

You know baby, each time when I am locked up in my cell and I hear the keys rattling outside my door – my heart skips the beat. I always think, that they are coming to set me free – that they realised they made a mistake in the court, that I am innocent… I know it’s silly, but I can’t help it.

Kasia must have already told my mum about me. I am very worried about her, I just don’t want her to worry too much. I will never tell her how things really are here. I just need to pretend, that everything is fine. I don’t even know, when will they finally register her number either… I tried to call you, Kasia, Lisa and mum today – but nothing went through…I am also worried, how Lucia is going to cope without me in the office… she’s been there only for 3 months…

This morning I was called to see a nurse for a standard check-up. She was so rude. But you know what baby, I could smell her perfumes and it nearly brought me to tears… It reminded me of the world outside of these prison walls. She kept looking at me with a disgust – probably because I stank of that shit laying around my toilet on the floor. I felt so embarrassed…

Baby, I need to finish here – I’m running out of space on this paper again. I don’t know anything about any jobs or education yet.

I just kissed that letter here – it’s a bit like I could kiss you again.

C, please listen to the doctors there, do not give up. One day it will be all ok again. We will laugh again, we will go to the cinema and lay on the blanket in the park again. We will order sushi after midnight and you will make polish dumplings for Christmas again. You will read your favourite Naruto comic books on every Thursday morning and I will be looking at you thinking how lucky I am to have you in my life. I promise you all this.

One day, they will open those doors to our heaven and we will walk in there holding hands.

I love you so much.

Forever Yours

Sebastian